Struggling with in-laws (Islam-related)

[Sumayasbookcase]

Hello everyone, just looking for some friendly advice tbh.
Not really sure where to start so I apologise if I sound a bit muddled. I'm a convert Muslim, married to a wonderful husband who was raised in a fairly strict Muslim family. We have a 4 year old son who we are concerned might have autism. Long story, no diagnosis of anything yet, but we struggle with various challenging things in his behaviour and he has virtually no attention span. Just getting him to eat or put on his shoes can be an ordeal. In-laws don't "believe" in autism, ASD or similar.. They think it's all explained by "bad parenting" or "lack of discipline". Obviously my husband I both know that's untrue. We both work in the medical field.
Meanwhile, my MIL and SILs have all been badgering me to get my son praying (My husband and I do so, 5 times per day and follow Islam as best as we can). MIL and SILs don't seem to understand the challenges involved in teaching our son to pray, they keep bending my husband's ear about it when I'm not around too. Learning Islamic prayer is a very complex thing, it took me a good few months to get to grips with it. Personally, I think he's too young just yet anyway but they are being really pushy about it, saying he must do it, not understanding that he lacks the attention span for it to be a meaningful and spiritual experience for him. At such a young age, I personally feel that his very limited attention span should be focused on things like school work, eating well, learning social interactions, manners etc. Just struggling to asset ourselves with the in laws. Husband is supportive but he just says his mum is very old school, she grew up in a very religious family where religion and daily prayers were the centre of life. How can I balance this out? Thanks for reading. xx

It sounds like you and your H are both on the same page, which is the most important thing here.

I would adopt a "smile and nod" approach here, and let your H handle them. He is their relative and has grown up in Islam - he can counter their arguments/demands more effectively than you can (or should have to for that matter.)

I'm sure others will have good advice about the religious piece specifically. As an atheist I don't want to comment on that aspect but as a mother of a adorable but bonkers asd child there is no way I'd ever get him to settled down to pray let alone 5 times a day. I was raised Catholic so I do know the torture of sitting still and quiet in a church setting and I wouldn't even try it with my DS. He's currently running up and down clapping and stimming 😂. I totally get the 'autism doesn't exist' beliefs but it seems to be they either get on board or you are going to have to distance yourselves from them. If your son is asd you're in for a really tough few years and having close relatives undermine all the strategies you'll need to put in place to support him won't work very well. Are you getting him diagnosed?

Agree, let your husband handle it.

I don't think anyone expects praying to be an enriching and spiritual experience for a 5 year old. Suspect it's to get him into the habit and/or for appearances.

If your child is autistic it is unfair to have him be around people who ignore his very real neurological differences.

Your problem is far greater than arguments about prayers (just tell them your the parents so you decide on his theological education... they might not like it but that's tough). Can you give them some resources to read to help them understand?

Ignore them as best you can - there’s no point trying to explain to people that “don’t believe” in autism the struggles you’re facing.

At this age much of “learning to pray” is mimicking parents for a couple of minutes out of curiosity then wandering off to do something else. All that you could possibly teach is the movements - there’s no way you could teach a 4 year old the actual prayer!! Buy him a small mat if you want to encourage him but don’t force him to do it - at his age everything else you’re trying to teach him is way more important.

If you and your husband are in agreement and working together that’s all that you really need

This is your and your DH's child. You decide what's best for him. If you want him to focus on things other than prayer, that's your choice as his parents.

Do you live close by?

If so, you might want to think about the future. He's small now, he won't be for long. If you've got quite enmeshed daily lives, this is going to be a problem and it's going to start to affect him directly.

If you're a good distance away, smiling, nodding, ignoring and minimising contact are more achievable!

My hunch is your parent in laws have a genuine faith based concern for your son. He is a child of four who is not praying yet appears to be ‘normal’ will concern them as prayer is one of the five pillars. An invisible disability can be much harder to understand and accept than a visible disability. You might find resources at www.amanati.org useful for you and your wider family. It might also be wise to seek support form your mosque as they may know of any who have the skill and patience to help a child who may have ASD about their faith. There may be a special needs teacher who attends who might be willing to help or at least signpost you further. [I am not a Muslim but my son who is profoundly autistic was accepted and welcomed at an Islamic mother and toddler group when he had been barred pretty much everywhere else for challenging behaviours]

Why are you a Muslim convert? Is it to live with your partner or do you truly believe Islam? So you pray 5x a day, why? Is it to placate the community, the family and say - look at us we are doing the best we can?! Why would you expect a small child to do so? What reason has that child got,
apart from mimicking his parents? Unfortunately with these communities, it can be quite insular and inward looking. Both your MIL and family seem to have power over you. You do need to assert yourself, it can take years, decades in fact otherwise (my poor SIL, took her fuckin forever). You have a child now, you have your own family, you owe it you your child, to do the best for him. Unfortunately, you will find your husband will defer to his mother , to his 'family '; he will always be reminded that he married outside. I'm sorry to say all blokes who grew up in Islam, whether they say the believe or not, always bow down to it. No matter whether they say- you are important, -you aren't really (well it is a struggle for them,) . I grew up in this community, and i left it (you get many non believers not leaving because they don't want to upset the apple cart). At the end of the day, it is your lovely child, you, and your husband that are important; get on with the diagnosis and the learning needs, you will find that the "family" will embrace it after a while. Be strong. Remember, your child is the number 1 here, everyone else will fall into place.

Hi there !!

A child will only learn from what he is exposed to. If you guys are praying he will mimic you and try and copy the actions. As he has additional needs this might take longer than his age group, this is perfectly normal.
If you want to go down the Islamic route, then ur ds doesn't need to till he's 7..
just smile and nod, and as long as you and your husband are in agreement you are good to go! Enjoy your child and teaching him in ur own way.. remember each child and each generation is totally different!
Ps : there's a interactive prayer mat online which helps and makes it more off a play xx