Do you feel pressure in your 30s to do the ‘normal’ thing

[Eng2345]

Does anyone / has anyone felt under pressure from family / friends / even work colleagues to follow the path of getting married, buying a house and having a baby?! Sounds so old fashioned saying it but why is it not enough just to be in a happy relationship?!

I think a lot of the pressure is around whether or not you want to start a family and that pressure comes from the fact that female fertility generally starts to decline around the mid-30s. Also it’s better for parents and children if they have a secure home base - hence the importance of having somewhere decent to live. Marriage is more of a personal preference thing though strongly recommended if you’re in England and thinking of becoming an SAHP. So a happy relationship is important (best not to bring children into an unhappy relationship) but in itself not enough if you want children.

I'm sure people do or don't depending on what they see their lives being like in however many years.

I'm in late 20s and had been with partner since late teens. We bought a house, got married and had a baby as those were all things we had wanted for our future together.

House - we both know how rubbish we are at saving and knew that if we didn't buy our house before marriage or kids then we would really struggle to get on the properly ladder. I wanted a stable home for when we had children and some equity built up, plus something to give them in the future.

Marriage - I wanted this for security in legal terms (I appreciate this wouldn't spare me any heartbreak if things were ever to go wrong but would at least make it clearer cut. And don't get me wrong, loved the wedding day celebrating our 10yr anniversary with all of our friends and family!) also knew that if we didn't get married before kids we never would money wise

Baby - we have both always wanted children, he would have had a baby at 20 whereas I wanted to wait because I knew we both still had a lot of maturing and experiencing the world to do. I ultimately felt the pressure at 27 as I realised I didn't want to wait and risk struggling with fertility and also didn't want to be raising children too late in life.

I got married at 29 but due to fertility problems didn’t then have baby until 39. My fertility consultant said most healthy women (ie normal bmi, healthy lifestyle, no health problems) would be just a bit less fertile at 40 than at 30 as fertility doesn’t drop off a cliff in healthy women. All the recent published stats only apply to women who need fertility treatment (and who often have health problems both known and unknown) and they form the minority of births for mums under the age of 45.

My first thought on this thread title alone before reading the OP was “What is normal?”
What I remember in my thirties was lots of conflicting and unwanted advice about life. From monogamy to polyamory to marriage to group marriage to babies to child free to adopting to settling and buying a home or being a nomad and taking your career international. So today, what’s normal to one person isn’t normal to all. There is a bit of grass is greener going on when we see people who have made different choices to ours. I also think that we have so much freedom today as women that it can be a bit daunting to actually deviate from the traditional path.

No, but then I only have one friend who is married, most can’t afford to buy/are happy renting and only one of my friends have children. I’m 33, my close friends range from late twenties to late forties.

Is it pressure or is it just people wanting you to do well in life? Because marriage provides stability and combining incomes leads to increased wealth which can help you get on the property ladder which provides more wealth. Also it makes sense to have babies with that stable partner you are married to and provide a comfortable home for your child which you own. Obviously much easier to have a healthy pregnancy when you are in your young 30's before fertility drops off. It all goes hand in hand and is a fairly good formula for health, wealth and stability and overall just an easier life. So again, are they pressuring you or are they just experienced and seen first hand how tough it can be to purchase a home without a partner? Or how sad it is for someone to wait until their late thirties to try for a family and have to spend thousands on fertility treatments? Etc etc. Maybe they just want the best for you.

Meh. I’m happily single. Renting. Don’t want my own children. The more people say “But don’t you want XYZ?”, the more I push back against it and want to live my life the way I want to
My focus is on career and study, and I don’t want to limit myself or be tied down. We only get one shot at life and need to use it wisely, not waste it following paths other people think we should be following. Do what suits you and what will make you happy.

I am happily single and plan to stay that way. I do have kids though. I dont ever want to be married and never have wanted it.

My family understand my position and respect it. They never ask about my dating life, or if I plan on looking at some point. They know I don't want to. Friends however keep telling me that I will find someone soon, that I deserve to be happy and I deserve a loving partner/husband.

I find it quite offensive because I am happy, I dont need another person to be happy. They obviously do not know me as well as they think, otherwise they would understand and respect the fact I am happy on my own by choice...not because I can't find someone, which is what it sounds like they think when they say I will find someone soon!

@DeloresWw

Is it pressure or is it just people wanting you to do well in life? Because marriage provides stability and combining incomes leads to increased wealth which can help you get on the property ladder which provides more wealth. Also it makes sense to have babies with that stable partner you are married to and provide a comfortable home for your child which you own. Obviously much easier to have a healthy pregnancy when you are in your young 30's before fertility drops off. It all goes hand in hand and is a fairly good formula for health, wealth and stability and overall just an easier life. So again, are they pressuring you or are they just experienced and seen first hand how tough it can be to purchase a home without a partner? Or how sad it is for someone to wait until their late thirties to try for a family and have to spend thousands on fertility treatments? Etc etc. Maybe they just want the best for you.

They may well mean well, but surely it’s obvious to anyone that the kind of life set out here is not for everyone, and represents a very limited vision of ‘doing well’?

In late 30s & have been saying am childfree since about age 28.

In my experience once people realise you don't want kids they will give up with the marriage & babies questions.

It's really only people who have lived the "normal" life who ask these kinds of questions, it's as though they cannot comprehend others who aren't making the same choices they have.

People who opt out challenges the validity of their own choices & they don't like it.

Yes that’s true it is people who have followed the ‘normal’ path who ask the most questions!

There’s nothing wrong with steering your own boat, so to speak, if you’re happy with how your life is then other people’s choices are just that: other people’s choices and yours don’t have to be the same.

People find great pleasure in security and family. Other routes are available, and might bring you greater happiness. I guess marriage and children are seen as milestones, and culturally I know my family pay attention to my brothers career, but my parenting, while he is an excellent parent and I have a great career... So there's some sexist gender stereotypes going on there too.

39 now, no kids, both have stable careers.

Both want to take house sale proceeds and travel for a few years.

Unfortunately, health reasons stop us from doing it.

Do what you want to do. F*ck everyone else.

Sometimes you get asked rude questions.

Other times people put pressure on themselves though. Just seeing friends get married etc makes them feel pressure even though those friends are very supportive of others choices and would never even think to bring it up.

Other times it can be excuse and not wanting to take responsibility for one's own choices. People go ahead and marry/have children because they wanted to at the time, then complain that pressure from society made them do it.

I'm early 30s. Wouldn't say I feel pressure because my family has never really been like that, and neither have my friends. At this point I'd say there's a 50/50 split between my friends who have 'settled down' and have started/are starting a family. I dont feel like I'm ready to have a family, mentally or financially, but biologically I've only got another 5-6 years to make a decision.

With marriage, really couldn't care less and never have done. Would maybe consider it for financial reasons but I'm not bothered about having a wedding with old fashioned rituals, and wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. I've also experienced a few messy, expensive divorces of friends and relatives. Makes me not want to bother in the first place.

Hmm no but not quite what you’re asking as I did that in my 20s, which met its own breed of opposition and raised eyebrows from those around me.

Sorry didn’t finish - so no I don’t feel that pressure in my 30s, I am loving that I am free to do more stuff for me during this decade 😃 (although obviously I did have kids ‘for me’ but you know what I mean)