What's wrong with me

[singlemumagain]

So I find myself single again after my marriage broke down, but I don't know if it's lockdown but I'm just thinking about all the relationships I've had since having the children. I've got to get it out somewhere sorry!

So my dcs dad I was married to, I met him on holiday we lived miles apart, so I ended up getting a transfer at work and moved to be with him, had the children, it was so hard I knew no one, my mum died of cancer, and his life hadn't really changed he had his family friends etc and in the end he was never at home, I felt abandoned completely. He had a friend that was a girl and always out with her, she didn't want anything to do with me. Everyone else did family things at the weekend but no I was on my own with the kids I never saw him. In the end I resented him and we ended up separating.
I did meet someone else, great at first but once it got serious he just couldn't cope with my dcs, he had all these rules, they couldn't get up till 10am at weekends, but my ds was 3 he wasn't going to stay in bed till 10! So I would get up with him at 6 to keep him quiet so he did't wake dp up, but getting breakfast was too noisy so couldn't get food. The cat wasn't allowed upstairs, this was my house, he was very moody and I just realised I couldn't live like this.that was the end of that and me and the kids broke all his rules and it felt great!
After a year, a friend introduced me to someone else, at first he was attentive and good with the kids when he finally met them, but then he turned abusive and I wasn't allowed out, he tried to throw me out of a moving car I still have no idea what I had done. I realised omg I've got to get out of this now, police were involved he threatened to kill me and the kids. I had no family were I lived a few friends though he had isolated me as all my friends were bad for me according to him. Eventually though after court orders, police intervention I managed to be free of him, moved house got the kids settled. I did have some sort of nervous breakdown after that and ended up in anti depressants but over time I met friends through children groups, Mumsnet helped, I was strong again, had my own house, my own business and the dcs were happy.
As you can imagine I was very wary of men and I stayed single for quite some time, but I met someone else, he was very respectful and funny, had children the same age so understood children issues. It was taken really slow which suited me, I fell in love with him he was such a kind person, we traveled a lot with the dcs and without and we became a blended family. I moved again to be with him, changed the kids schools moved my business, his area had better schools and a better area but I was nervous about doing this again but I had his support and his mum. There was always issues with his dcs and his ex always drama and fights going on, I stayed out of it but it didn't take long before I was dragged into it, his ex saying the girls weren't happy and didn't like me, I used to get upset but they seemed fine with me, I took them out on my own or with my dcs. I think their mum got jealous, I tried to be friendly with her but it didn't really help. Things were up and down with them, but my dp was very supportive, liked going out and doing things which kept us as a family together. He proposed to me on holiday and I was so pleased but in the back of my head was a nagging feeling about his dds and his ex but I thiought well our relationship is strong we'll get through it. His dds seemed happy we were getting married and so were my dcs. My friends were pleased, they liked him and thought thank god she found someone decent finally. Then it all changed, dp had a heart attack a week before the wedding, the wedding still went ahead but I wish now I'd cancelled it. He changed so much I don't know if it was the medication he was on or the lack of oxygen to his brain as was a bad heart attack. He was so angry about everything and went into a depression, I did research into it and as I was his wife of course I was going to stand by him, but then his now teenagers became difficult as teenagers do, they wanted to live with their mum and not the 50:50 arrangement they always had, of course it was blamed on me, dp blamed me, everyone was blaming me. I honestly to this day don't know what I did so wrong. I tried to fix it asked the girls what the problem was, all they said was they wanted their dad to themselves and didn't want to go anywhere with me or my dcs iincluding booked holidays etc. I tried to be understanding and stepped back but it all got too much, me and my dcs were left out of everything. Dp was always angry with me, I would try and calm him and think everything was ok but then something like his dd didn't want to come that day and he would just snap and throw me out the house. Me and my dcs were staying in hotels and friends houses, then he was sorry wanted me back he would kill himself if I didn't come back. I would go back, literally 10 mins in the house he changed his mind snd wanted me out again. My kids didn't want to stay in hotels etc it was their home too. I was in this horrendous situation, and because of his state of mind he said something to his family who also turned against me. I don't know what he said something like it was all my fault, I didn't want his dcs, which wasn't true, they didn't want me!! The situation got worse and worse, he was forcing me to have sex after being so horrendous to me all day, I never knew when he was going to kick me out again, i would be crying on the bed huddled with my dcs thinking what the hell do I do now. His family hated me, his dcs refused to be in the same room as me, wouldn't eat anything I cooked for them, I was trying so hard to try and make things work but the problem was no one else was. I knew I had to get out enough is enough. I managed to get a house to rent, got my kids out I still hoped he would miss me enough to want to sort things out but he didn't he is so cold. He just says kids come first and no hard feelings. I guess if he says kids come first to his friends and family they will think well yes that's right. I just feel so used and thrown away. How did he change so much, why did his kids hate me so much, why did his family I was close to turn on me, why did dp turn on me.

I have my own house now a year later, converted my garage to use for my business my dcs are happier. I can never trust anyone again. What the hell is wrong with me why do they treat me and my kids so bad. All I do is move around after them throw myself into it and I'm treated like this??!!! It's going round and round in my head. I'm not perfect I know that but did I really deserve all this. ???!! I'm now 48 and single again, I'm sure people who have been with their husband for years will be thinking I must be a nightmare to be around. Should I of stayed with my first husband (the kids dad) even though I was unhappy? My mind is just exploding

Sorry for the long post I had to get it out somewhere

You need to do the freedom programme.

And stay single.

You’ve been through a lot OP. Nothing wrong with being single- nothing at all. Stay single for now and don’t marry anyone else. Your poor kids being dragged around like this from a young age!!

Yeh they have been dragged around, I cannot let anyone else into our lives now, we are happy with our house, cat and dog. I don't really want to live in this town it's 'his' town but I moved the kids here, they have friends, school, my dd 17 now has a job so I have to suck it up now and make a life here. I hope they are not damaged, my dd says I have taught her to not put up with shit and she thinks I'm strong for getting out. I adore them, we are so close I don't need anyone else. I have good friends too so I'm lucky in a lot of ways

Oh op I feel so sorry for you, you’ve had a string of really shitty men and NONE of this is your fault. You trusted them and they treated you terribly. I’m so sorry, for you and your dc. I do think you stuck around in your last marriage too long, the first time he threw you out should have been the last time but I can understand you thought he was ill so tried to forgive and fix your marriage. Please do stay single now, you would really benefit from the freedom programme. Your children have seen you leave relationships where you’ve been treated badly, that shows them you don’t let people treat you that way but do stay single and keep them and you’re own well-being your priority now.

I wish you all the best, Please don’t blame yourself x

@singlemumagain A lot of men/people are pretty awful unfortunately.

All I do is move around after them throw myself into it

Every friendship/relationship should cut both ways, with the other person putting in as much effort as you. If they're not then dump them.

Don't try and mold yourself to be/live however the other person wants.

You have the security of your home- keep that. Have your own agenda in life, your own hobbies and interests.

Protect yourself first and foremost- if someone causes you pain then don't stick around them anymore.

I'm single too and planning to stay that way unless someone amazing happens to come along.

As a PP mentioned, I did the Freedom Programme and it's great, made some good friends through it. They're running it over Zoom and it works fine. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I also learned a lot from this board, just reading threads and comments.

Nothing is wrong with you ☹️. You sound like a great Mum who has been unlucky in relationships.
I'd agree , stay single.

So sorry for what you went through, none of that sounds like it was your fault, I think men like those can spot a vulnerability in women. Definitely if I was you I'd stay single, you and your kids will be happier for it. Have you many female friends? You should try to use them as an outlet or put yourself out there that way instead of looking for another man in your life. (I know that's more difficult in the current climate we're in, socialising I mean)

Do the Freedom programme and stay single.

Do not allow another man through the door.
Your children have been dragged around fto accommodate men.

I really do NOT believe it is EVER a good idea to pack up and move far away to accommodate a man and a relationship in his home area.

For me it would NEVER happen.

You have had a bad run of luck with men but for your children being dragged from pillar to post, it must have been horrendous.

You owe it to them to see their childhood out without further drama.

Build up your business.
Look after your appearance.
Grow your confidence in yourself.
Keep your home and your finances separate for EVER.

In time you never know what may happen but don't EVER put yourself in a situation where you can be thrown out of your home again.

You sound like a classic people pleaser and I say that as someone who was brought up to put other's needs before my own. Unfortunately, people pleasers have a tendency to attract people who put their needs before anyone else and can be very abusive in the process. You have certainly been very accommodating in uprooting yourself and bending over backwards to make everyone around you happy at your own expense. Your first marriage was identical to mine. I ended up running the whole show completely on my own whilst my exH indulged his career and hobbies and probably OW as he was away ALL the time.

However, it doesn't mean that you are fatally flawed, your thinking and go to behaviours need adjusting and that can be achieved through therapy, self reflection and a bit of healing from all the trauma you have been through. It's funny but reading your story it's easy to see where you have been so accommodating but to you it probably feels normal to do these things for the people you love. Did you feel like the adult in your childhood? As others have said The Freedom Program is a good start and perhaps some therapy which will set you up to spot the selfish ones from the healthy ones that can make you happy.

I agree. Stay single.

You haven't done anything to deserve any of this but you haven't protected yourself against it either.

From your own description, you have no boundaries, are really passive and relinquish agency in your own life for these men.

It's not that you specifically are attracting these men (these sorts of men would be the same with any woman) the issue is that you havent recognised the warning signs and told them to fuck off when you did.

You and your children deserve better.

Yes, it seems to be a mixture of missing the warning signs and wanting to please people.

The blame is totally with them and not your fault in the slightest, but there are definitely things you can do to protect yourself in future.

You’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places.

First and foremost you need to be your own best friend. I also agree with pp that you need the Freedom Programme.

Also read “Women Who Love Too Much”.

You are a people-pleaser possibly with codependent tendencies. I recognise myself in you.

I bitterly regret the time I’ve wasted on some awful relationships. I didn’t have a clue.

You have done so well to get to where you are today with your kids happy. Protect and guard what you have and never let anyone take it from you again

Well tbh, I uprooted them once, and it wasn't just cos of my own selfishness, I thought by doing that I could give them a better life, with my last ex we did sit and talk at length what would be the best solution for everyone. The secondary schools were I lived were terrible and they have done much better were we are now and the crime rates were bad. I did have 7 good years with my now ex but he changed after his heart attack, I was so sure I would get the old him back but it didn't happen. My dcs did have a good life with him till he changed, he took us all to America etc. But when he changed it did become awful for us 3. I can't bring anyone into our life. I'll wait till they have left home if I ever do again. I've just been out with my dog and met lots of doggie friends it's lovely and I moved myself, built all the furniture myself sorted the garage conversion. I don't need a man, financially or otherwise I'm done! I'm just sad we have been treated like this that's all.

I also think I've been very naive and stupid it the past, there was red flags with the 2 in between husbands (that sounds awful) I think I hoped they would change. How stupid

Definately a habbit if picking abusive men and failing to see the signs.

Even first husband- he played you off against his female friend. It's called narcissistic triangulation. Its abuse. He probably told her lies about you. And vice versa.

You need to learn how to spot narcissists (narcissistic personality disorder) and similar abusers. Its ongoing reading you will need to keep up throughout your life. Especially before actively dating again but also when in a relationship.

For now I'd focus on being single.
There really is no need for a man. You already have kids, so no rush there. Focus on forming healthy friendships if you need company. And on getting to the bottom of why you are so uncomfortable with being alone that you cram unsuitable men into your life.

If theres a hole in your life, another person cannot fix it. They cannot save you from past trauma. You need to do the self work.

You are onlynstupid if you don't learn from your mistakes.

People make mistakes in life.

The trick is not to repeat them.

Be proud of all the positives and learn from your mistakes.

Work on yourself, that is the key to a better future.

"When you know better, you do better"

This is one of my favourite sayings.

Life is about moving forward.
Arm yourself with understanding exactly why you made the decisions you did, ignoring red flags etc.

Learn from the past and you can definitely prepare for a better future.

Give yourself confidence in your ability to choose better, to have boundaries and critically to be able to "No, that's not going to work for me"....so you are prepared to walk away.

Know yourself, your strength and your boundaries.

Read about the "Shark Cage" and learn from it.

it's probably been mentioned, but you should seek counseling. just to get to the root of as why you choose these types of men, disregard red flags, and stay even after being treated disrespectfully.

you are definitely a people pleaser, which i used to be as well and all it caused me to be is resentful of the people i was pleasing. i should've sought counseling a long time ago to learn boundaries, and how to say 'no', my life would've been much happier if i had.

There was red flags with the 2 inbetween but the last one there wasn't. However you know there isn't always red flags to begin with and an abuser can ware the strongest of character down and make them think it is them with the problem, that's what they do. I'm not saying that in my case particularly but I've witnessed it!!

It's not just about in the beginning though. There are signs when you need to get out too.

You're absolutely right op, they can wear anyone down. They are predators and need to entrap and destroy people in order to survive, so of course they are good at it.

But the more you read, the more likely you will be to spot red flags. Chances are they ALL had them -just not ones you were aware of for what they were, at the time. If you really know your stuff, you'll be able to spot 99% of them within a few months. Many within a date or two. It just takes study and constant vigilance as to their behaviour and how it makes you feel.

@OutingMyself

It's not just about in the beginning though. There are signs when you need to get out too.

That too. Just because they were fine to start with, doesn't mean you keep them when things change.

No I absolutely agree but some are literally too scared to get out, they question themselves and are isolated. I did get out of all these relationships if not a little late! But some don't I'm thinking of someone I know in particular and know friends that are still in abusive relationships but they don't think they deserve any better and actually begin to loose reality of what is normal. It's very scary. I cannot risk this again!! I will not be treated like this again I did the freedom program after one of them but I feel no harm in doing it again and thank you everyone for your advice

Sounds like something from Take a Break.

I'm sure people who have been with their husband for years will be thinking I must be a nightmare to be around

I’ve been with my husband for aeons and I don’t think you sound like a nightmare at all. I think you sound like someone who has really given a lot of herself to the men she has loved, and has been treated really badly in return.

You sound so strong now; I admire you for picking yourself up and getting on with things, and for being a great role model to your children. How brilliant that your daughter has learnt from you not to take any shit in relationships. You sound like a person making a success of her life.

I hope there might be opportunities in the future for you to date/spend time with a nice man, if one comes along and it’s what you want. But you could enjoy such a relationship while maintaining your independence and without uprooting your life to fit in with his. 💐

@waterlego thank you so much x