Am I ungrateful for my DH

[Enlighten100]

Dh and I have been together for 12 years. We have mostly the same values and are very much in tune with each other. At some points I have wondered whether we are actually co-dependent.
He is a very kind, loving father and a very good husband but there are a few things that bother me. He is a very practical person. So if I am upset about something, he would never think to be affectionate or comforting. He would instead immediately look to solve the problem.
Otoh, I am very affectionate but now I find myself holding back and that makes me very sad. I feel that I am changing our marriage for the worse. I have spoken to him numerous times about it. It seems like he just doesn't get it.
I had a very emotionally abusive childhood, with love being conditional so I know that plays a big part in the dynamics. If we have a disagreement, I am almost the one to make up and get things happy again. By doing so over the years, I have realised that I have set a norm here that I am usually the one that was wrong. It affects me deeply if there is tension in the home, or if we are not speaking to each other etc.
He has a very stressful job, one that has provided us with a very comfortable life. But the stress makes him even more emotionally cold. He doesn't seem to think so at all. On Monday we had an argument, related to his job and the affect it has in our home.
He feels unappreciated for the stress he goes under in order to provide, and I feel unappreciated in keeping everything else together for so long.
He isn't a bad person at all. Its just that I seek emotional fulfilment and he feels he is by being very practical. So we are speaking to each other around necessary thing, but this time I have held back 'myself'. I feel sad because I think becoming this way is like losing a part of myself.
Am I ungrateful for feeling this way?

I don’t think you are ungrateful, I think you both express love differently and it seems like as a couple you are not able to really meet each other halfway with how you do it. It seems so simple to say if he showed a bit more emotional affection and you took the practical stuff as the way he expresses himself you could meet halfway. Unfortunately, I don’t know how possible that is unless both of you acknowledge this and make real effort to figure out a way to meet in that middle space.

Sounds like you have tried to meet him halfway but he doesn’t see an issue?

My OH is very pragmatic and practical whereas I am more emotional and for the most part we compliment each other but every now and then it drives me absolutely batty lol.
The good thing is he knows he can be a bit too unemotional however that doesn't stop him in the moment. However that's just part of him. He tries, and usually fails but for the most part it works.
Try talking about how it upsets you, or perhaps when discussing things, say you don't want a solution just a hug.
All over the world there is a huge majority of women feeling under appreciated for some aspect of their lives and men feeling the same. We see things through our own eyes and sometimes forget the others. The only remedy is communication

Have you looked up 'love languages' affection isnt necessarily a better expression of love than practical help, but he needs to know that sometimes you need a cuddle and kind words although you do appreciate his trying to give practical solutions.
Maybe he finds that you can be too much kind words and not enough action or strategies??

I think you could probably talk this through and find compromise

I have to ask, do you work or have children?

I understand and I actually stop my DH when he's trying to "fix" things and say "I am upset because X, Y and I don't want suggestions, I want you to say, 'That's sounds awful' and give me a massive hug".

That said, it sounds like there is a lot going on for both of you. Have you tried counselling separately or together?

Sorry I just re read and saw you said his a loving father, I missed that bit. No I don't think your ungrateful for feeling how you do. You need to have a proper chat about it and meet half way. It may not change, not everyone is an affectionate person.

Ungrateful is definitely the wrong word. It's about being part of a partnership but also retaining the essence of yourself - it sounds like you have lost yourself a bit. I found the love languages thing useful too.

I was about to say "no you're not ungrateful, just communicate a bit better on both sides" but then I read this part again:

If we have a disagreement, I am almost the one to make up and get things happy again. By doing so over the years, I have realised that I have set a norm here that I am usually the one that was wrong. It affects me deeply if there is tension in the home, or if we are not speaking to each other etc.

This sounds a bit worrying - is it a frequent occurrence that you have a (presumably fairly minor) disagreement and he then gives you the silent treatment for some time? OR - is your childhood colouring your expectations to the point where you can't bear for someone to be a bit quieter than usual after an argument? You mentioned co-dependency and the latter would fit with that.

It's okay to have an argument and then both be a little out of sorts for a while, before things naturally return to normal. It's okay to just sit with the discomfort for a bit, you know? You don't have to run around trying to make things right.

My partner and I are the same. I show emotion which he didn’t understand, I explained to him what I needed in the way of support, sometimes just a hug and for a listening ear. Over the years he has learnt to pick up my emotions without being told.
They are not mind readers.

Thank you all for the advice. It definitely seems like we have different love languages. I dont know of this would make us incompatible enough and if this is significant enough. I am more on the affectionate side, I would listen to and comfort him. He would look to make it better practically.
We do communicate alot, we can sit and chat for hours. But once it gets emotional he doesn't know what to do.
He comes from a very emotionally cold family. I think that has a lot to do with it. I also came from the same but it turned me the opposite. It seems like dh and I are just at the opposite ends of the same problem growing up.
Eg.Had a traumatic loss not too long ago. He completely took over, sorted dc out , meals, school, took care of me. But he would just sit with me not knowing what to say and do. That's why I feel ungrateful.
I lost myself during the course of our marriage. I stopped working to support his career, a sahm and had MC and a late term loss. I guess everything has just built up. Sorry rambling now

so it's like, he would know how to complete the mission objectives, but when it comes to your emotional support, that's a different aspect that needs more detailed to be effective so that it helps you when you need his emotional support ?

I think it might be worth attending relationship counselling together, and seeing if you can get to that middle ground like sometimes he just holds you or let's you be emotional? You might also want to talk things out on your own with a professional.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Maybe you would also benefit from going back to work - external validation, social contact, having something for yourself, etc. Even if it doesn't seem to make financial sense now, it does make sense in the long term for the family finances, and the benefits are not just about money.

The love languages thing isn't meant to make you think that you are incompatible if your languages are different - it's meant to make you appreciate that he does love you but expresses it in a different way.

In my experience most men try to fix things where most women just want a shoulder to cry on, a hug and a cup of tea. If you Google it, you'll find it's quite a common thing with men.

That's a bit of a cop-out tho - how you respond to someone else's needs is not set in stone by your sex or your background. You can learn new ways of responding and communicating.

It's not the case that you can just blow it off as "it's just the way I am" or "it's men". It isn't. There are emotionally intelligent men, and none too emotionally intelligent women.

If you love and care about your partner, you can make efforts to meet their emotional needs if they're unhappy - it's not just the spouse has to accept not getting their needs met.

Thank you all for the advice. Yes I think it comes down to us having very different love languages. He tries but just fails. It's not for a lack of effort. I have been thinking alot about this last night and will speak to him.
When we lost our baby, it was devastating and I got very depressed. He took two months of leave from work and did absolutely everything. There were dark days I couldn't even get up from bed and I look back and think how he took care of all of us.I guess thats his way of expressing his love.

Yes - that's exactly it OP. That is his way of expressing love. Honestly, not many men (or women) would take two months leave from a stressful high powered job and take care of everything at home (two weeks - yes). And yet you describe his approach as "he tries but fails" . Sorry OP, I don't want to sound harsh, but I think maybe you aren't appreciating his good qualities, because they are very different from yours?

I am much more affectionate than my DH. My love languages are all about words and touch, whereas he shows his love in his actions. I don't always get an affectionate response when I am loving towards him, eg if I tell him I love him, he doesn't always say "I love you" back. But I know he loves me, because he shows me in his own way, so I don't try to censor myself (you talk about "holding yourself back") - I just carry on expressing love in my own way, and he carries on expressing it in his. I don't tell him I love him because I want him to say it back, I say it because I want him to know it!

I think this is easier for me than you because of your emotionally abusive childhood. I was loved unconditionally as a child so it's easy for me to feel secure that my DH loves me, it may be much harder for you. Do you think counselling would help?

I am very sorry for your loss last year

OP I think there needs to be a coming together and a bit more mutual appreciation of each other in your relationship. Perhaps counselling may help.

What I mean by the above is that whilst it is true that your husband could do more to be empathetic to your love language, you also need to understand his more too. Him taking things off your plate during times of stress and loss is his way of showing he loves and cares about you, as is his effort to provide for you and your children. You know this man and so you will know that, whilst working on your issues together will get an improvement, it is never going to fundamentally change who he is and either you need to be able to appreciate that or your marriage won't work. Same goes for him.

OP I’m slightly confused - what exactly are you holding back?
Hugging him, talking abo it your feelings?
As long as he doesn’t mind just hug him when you feel like it. Or when upset you can tell him that you need a hug.
But expecting him to know the ‘right thing’ to say is unfair.
For someone who’s stepped up and done so much - what have YOU done to help him when he’s down? You do sound a tad ungrateful

Thank you all for the replies. I have a lot to think about and this thread has helped put alot into perspective. We certainly communicate and express to each other in our own ways.
PP is right that I shouldn't hold myself back because that is who I am. I am an affectionate and expressive person. To keep that just for my dc would not be right. I come from a place of alot of hurt and trauma, so it is unfair for him to get it. He has provided me with unconditional love and support so I am grateful for that.