Normal marriage troubles or sign of something worse?

[Tara609]

I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2 and we have a 11 month old daughter. I'm feeling really really low about the marriage and at the moment I dread being around him...I don't know if this is normal for the first couple of years after having kids or a red flag(s).

The main issues are:
Sex
We've always had sexual problems so I knew what I was marrying into but they've just gotten worse and worse over the years. He has delayed ejaculation so it takes him a long time to finish and it takes him a lot of concentration which can make him seem very distant and robotic during sex. Also because it's hard work for him to finish...you can imagine that as soon as you throw a baby into the mix and chronic tiredness sex is the first thing to go.

He's also more vanilla than me but that didn't bother me too much and certainly wasn't a deal breaker as he still used to be enthusiastic and attentive and I figure you can't have everything...but now we never have sex and if we do it's awful - because it's difficult for him he only wants to have sex in missionary, ever and hates any sort of change or suggestion to even do it in another room. We've had sex about 5-6 times since I gave birth and always me initiating / having a talk about our none existent sex life and then he'll do it once and nothing again for weeks / months.

He's always been quite reserved and closed off about sex...he hates talking about it so it's very hard to make any sort of improvement. I know he was bullied horrifically by his sister as a child and I'm sure he has some issues as his whole attitude to sex is odd...as soon as we've had sex he acts awkward and ashamed...never any cuddles and he has to shower immediately (he does cuddle at other times). It makes me feel really bad as there's no intimacy and I feel like he's disgusted with me...I've never had anyone be this cold even one night stands I've had a bit of cuddle with!

I would never have married him if our sex life had been what it is today. Although we had problems at the start and you're probably thinking why didn't you walk away then ..it wasn't as bad as it is now and I thought a lot of the problem was because of his delayed ejaculation issue so I thought things would improve with time but I think it's more than that. I feel totally undesired and dead on the inside...I'm only 30.

The other main issue is his attitude. This again has just gotten worse and worse over the years..I think he must be depressed but he won't accept that he just says he's tired all the time because of our daughter but he also complained of chronic tiredness before we had her. I also do all the night wakings and put her to bed every night so he has 4-5 hours every evening to do what he wants but says he still never has time to himself and feels constantly exhausted.

His attitude is extremely negative and I feel like literally everything I say at the moment he has a negative / cynical retort. Even when he's 'joking' it's always passive aggressive negative jokes. I'm finding him unbearable to be around because he makes me feel low and drags me down into his moods. Even being in a car with him he's always complaining and shouting about other drivers and being grumpy. Whenever I try and think positively or get excited about something...like just for conservation I'll say where would we go for our first holiday after the pandemic etc is over and he'll just be like 'don't see the point in talking about it and why would we take a toddler on a plane it's a waste of money'. It may sound minor but it's that negative / Debbie downer attitude to everything I say and feel like it's sucking the life out of me.

He does have good points obviously! His actions do speak louder than words even though he's a grumpy git he's good with stuff around the house and will make me cups of tea, make dinner at night 50% of the time and share jobs around the house. We have a lot of the same core values and all the important stuff and when he's in a good mood he's lovely it's just much rarer these days. He's very intelligent and previously quite driven although he's not motivated at work at all which again I think he's feeling depressed.

He always wants to be in his man cave playing playstation on a night so we rarely spend time together...our daughter is a bad sleeper so I spend most nights in with her at some point. It just feels like the marriage is on a collision course...I really don't like being around him at the moment. We work for the same family business so divorcing wouldn't be easy but not a reason to stay I know.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he gets immediately angry and defensive and just says it's because he's tired and stressed...but he's been complaining about being tired pre-baby and he doesn't even work full time at the moment. It's not a competition but I have a lot less free time and sleep and I still have a sex drive ...it's reduced but still there!

Would love to hear from others who have had this problem and hopefully bounced back! Sorry it's long bit of a rant...

Because you've tried to talk to to him and he's not acknowledging anything, I think it's ultimatum time. Either he gets help with his attitude/moods or you you'll consider whether you have a future together.

If it was just the ED, maybe things would be okay if you felt loved and cherised by him but you don't. Time to get more honest.

I agree with the pp. He has to be shocked into realising how damn serious this is. Lay it on the line. You are not prepared to sacrifice your life to his negativity. Either he recognizes the problem AND the effect on you, or you will be moving on. You need to be calm, assertive and most of all mean it!

This doesn't sound great tbh. He sounds very draining I don't know why men think they can become so miserable and tired and still have a marriage ? Do they think once they are married they need to put in zero effort ? I think I would talk to him once and for all If nothing changes then you have to decide if you want this to be your life for the next however many years. Life is short don't spend it unhappy !

Sadly, this is a case of you recognising many red flags from the beginning, but you thought things would improve. That's rarely the case, as you have found out. Your marriage is devoid of intimacy and any ability to constructively communicate, which will probably continue to get worse given he refuses to address it. You have to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. I definitely wouldn't.

@Aquamarine1029

Sadly, this is a case of you recognising many red flags from the beginning, but you thought things would improve. That's rarely the case, as you have found out. Your marriage is devoid of intimacy and any ability to constructively communicate, which will probably continue to get worse given he refuses to address it. You have to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. I definitely wouldn't.

i agree. things usually get WORSE, rarely stays the same or gets better.

I don't know why men think they can become so miserable and tired and still have a marriage ? Do they think once they are married they need to put in zero effort ?

This is by no means only a complaint women have about men, but a universal one in any imbalanced relationship.

What a bloody mess ...I look back and just wish so much I’d gone with my gut at a much earlier stage in our relationship (obviously don’t regret our daughter!). I had major pre-wedding jitters because of the sex problems and my husband assured me it would get better..there always seemed to be an excuse or blaming it on external stress but if I have to wait for him to not be tired or stressed I’d be waiting forever.

Really didn’t want to raise daughter in a broken home but I just can’t see how we can be together forever...all the reasons I don’t want to end it are not the right reasons to stay.

I think I could probably make do with crap sex but there’s something about that bitter negative attitude which has got so much worse that makes me want to run in the other direction. His mother is the same, I did point out that he’s turning into her as he can’t stand her being like that and he was horrified but the effect never lasts

He could be depressed OP. A lot of what you described are common symptoms of depression e.g. withdrawing from family life, chronic tiredness/apathy, constant negativity/irritability. Men often hide it due to shame and other reasons. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 40 so it's a common problem already, which lockdown could worsen. also sounds like he needs therapy from childhood bully/trauma.

Perhaps you could signpost him to male mental health charities. You could also get advice from these charities themselves on how to speak to him.

No genuinely you won’t be able to put up with miserable sex.

But perhaps there are deeper issuers for him that he’s not open to talking about.

In terms of ultimatums there’s no point in bringing it up if you’re not going to go through with it.

So the first suggestion would be to see a therapist together, the death knell will be his attitude towards doing it.

@Suagar I’m certain he’s depressed...I’ve suggested it several times but he totally rejects it. He thinks depressed is just feeling ‘sad’ but I’ve told him especially in men physical symptoms are more common like tiredness and aches and pains which he always has.

He also binges on junk food lately and he tells me he feels very guilty about it / poor self esteem which won’t be helping with his sex drive I’m sure. That’s the only other reason other than the tiredness he’s given for not wanting sex is because he doesn’t feel good about his body (he’s maybe a little overweight but still a good looking guy when he’s not being miserable ..he was skinny when we met though so it’s obviously bothering him).

My husband has almost exactly the same issues. Negative behaviour, depression, always tired, lack of motivation in work.
I had pre marriage jitters and wish I'd gone with my gut years ago but don't regret my 2 year old son for a second.
I left him 2 months ago and haven't looked back.

Easier said then done though.
I had been spending months, maybe even years falling out of love with him. There has been an element of verbal and psychological abuse in my marriage.
Haven't fancied him for a very long time and it was me that didn't want sex with him.
I've done every night feed (my son also is a terrible sleeper) and put him to bed every night.

My future already feels so much happier and positive knowing I've left him.

I don't want to put words in your mouth cos I do believe every relationship can have it's ups and downs but be honest with yourself about how one outweighs the other.

I gave my husband warnings so many times, he never took them seriously.

Now I'm done. Good luck OP x

I couldn't live that way OP. xxx

Your mental health/happiness is just as important as his- more so to you as you are living your life.

I don't know how often this works as obviously people need to be motivated to get help/comply with treatment themselves, but you could give him an ultimatum to get help for his health, therapy, meds etc? And to continue to work with doctors and try different things until there's some permanent improvement.

Separate and and see how you feel. Can you stay with your mum for a week? Or a friend. I suspect you’ll feel lighter and happier away and dread going back.

I really think this relationship is so damaging for you and therefore your dd.
Your dh needs to address why he is the way he is.
I don't think you should invest much more time/effort in this relationship - I agree a proper ultimatum is what's needed, then time to make plans to separate (as I doubt he could change as much as is needed).
You are so young, plenty of time to find another partner and have more children if you wished.
Divorce is so common and your dh might step up and actually parent a bit more when he has to parent solo on his time.

On another note, reading your op and about his sexual disfunction I immediately wondered if he had been sexual abused as a child? The ED is one thing, but the lack of intimacy and needing to shower immediately afterwards is more alarming to me. You have hinted he doesn't have a happy family background - I think he needs professional support/help.
He can do this after you have separated, you can't fix him, he needs to take responsibility and do that himself. Somethings people have to hit Rick bottom before they make changes. I think if you stay with him, nothing will change, it will just get worse and you will have sacrificed your life and happiness.