Feeling like the love is dying

[leah1991]

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years and together for 8 years before we got married. We didn't have our daughter until 2 years ago. I know how life is when you have to work, but since I've been a sahm during 2 lockdowns there's been sod all to do with my daughter, we haven't been able to get a break for even 1 night to ourselves because not allowed to take daughter to my mother's. He works really long hours and it's getting quite boring waiting for Sunday's when he has a whole day off. Then because of lockdown there's nothing to do. So we are bored sh*tless and arguing alot. Yeah we go for endless walks and play in the garden and do activities inside with DD buts that's all there is to do. It's like there's no time anymore for just me and my husband as a married couple and we are forgetting what's it like to be romantic and excited by eachother. That's not me blaming my daughter, it's me blaming this whole pandemic. I love being a sahm, it's just the last time we had a night alone together was 1 year ago. Im feeling really isolated too from not being allowed to travel to see family, I feel unhappy inside. I dare not say to him I feel I'm not so much in love at the moment because he works really hard to provide and he said from when did was born he does not want me to work if I don't have to and we didn't want somebody else raising DD. His hours are so long that if I sent back to work there's no job I can do to fit round his hours unless I go back to care work working nights and considering DD doesn't sleep through the day anymore that would be an awful idea! I used to do nights and know how tired it makes you. Then if I do a job in the day it's only going to minimum wage which will all go on childcare so it's pointless. My husband earns near to £15 an hour and gets fantastic overtime pay during the week and at weekends so it was stupid for me to go back to a minimum wage job. None of my family could babysit other than a couple of hours here and there which is not that helpful for going back to work, plus they all work themselves. I don't know, I feel I'm being selfish, but I feel the spark in our marriage has completely gone and it's all me that feels it. Just to be able to go out for dinner or go bowling or pop to the pub like old times would be nice, but nothing will be the same now due to covid. Just to be able to sleep would be heaven too! I swear we haven't hugged or kissed for days now and I feel I say I love him because I need to. I'm such a horrible person. Until we can go out again and have my mum look after dd again I don't think things will get any better. The night we had alone last year was simple but lovely. We just watched lord of the rings while eating pizza and drinking fizz slobbing out on the sofa. I'm not fussy, I just want to have some time alone with him. Dd is at nursery 2 mornings a week so I could find a part time job in the day if we sent her more. She had been having a few behavioural issues there though and theyve called me on a couple of occasions to go and get her, which makes me worried to go find work in the day. She just had the normal tantrums for a 2 year old, like issues with sharing, the occasional smack , kicking off because she doesn't like being told no etc. I don't know, am I a really horrible person?

Well it could be a while before your child can stay with grandparent, which is going to be tricky. But the lack of affection, hugs etc doesn’t have to wait for that. Have you told him how you feel? I don’t care how many hours someone works, they have time for that!

Life is super boring right now, I’m sure most of us feel that. But that’s temporary, it’s just a phase. Things will start to move soon. It doesn’t mean your relationship is in a death spiral.

Hiyah I haven't spoken to him yet. I'm not really sure what to say, I don't want to say something I'll regret, I need to think about what I will say. The no hugging and kissing is definitely down to both of us. I guess we just get on with life, he works all day, gets home, eats dinner then showers. I look after our daughter, clean, play games, do the cooking and washing up then I'm tired too. I'm definately just as guilty. The only time we talk is at 8pm when daughter is asleep but we are also both very guilty of looking at our phones too much on bed as it out ways of tuning out for the day then we forget to pay too much attention to eachother. It's really bad

This is a very difficult time.

Why are the nursery calling you?
2 year olds can be stubborn, why are they not able to deal with her.

I would STRONGLY recommend you do NOT tell your husband that you are not in love with him, unless it's before explaining you want to separate.

Do you want to separate?

Because if you don't want to DON'T say something like that.
It can NEVER be taken back and will wound him in a way that is unforgivable.

So tread with care.

It sounds like he is doing his best and working hard.

This IS a very difficult time.

Can you at least try and plan something nice for Saturday night when your daughter goes down.
Get some nice treats in, a bottle of something, pick out something nice to watch.
Honestly that is all any of can do now.

I have 4 children and its all about nice food, special dinners, me baking their favourite cakes, biscuits, whatever.
Life is very very small, but it will pass.
We are all a bit bored and fed up, but we just have to try and get through it.

You can't change things at the moment but you can think about where you want to be at the end of this.

Do you want to be married and together?

If you do.
Start thinking about what you can do to get to that place with a marriage intact.

Believe me, this is what a lot of people are aiming for.
To get through this experience with their marriage and family happy and intact.

I don't want to leave him, I just feel things are not the sand between us at the moment. Maybe it's more on my behalf I feel like that because I'm at home alot now than ever before, things havent changed for him I suppose because he's a key worker and still went to work as normal. I feel like I may be thinking too negatively at the moment too because I'm stuck at home more, whereas before covid I took my daughter to playgrounds, softplay and lots of groups at least 4 days a week and saw family once or twice a week. So I've gone from outgoing to feeling stuck, but feeling stuck at home. So its probably more my mindset at the moment. Then when we argue alot I feel annoyed and a bit confused about how I feel about him, I guess that's normal though? Your right though, nothings going to change at the moment with covid and we need to find a way to bring a bit of interest back. I really like your idea of staying up once daughter is in bed on a Saturday night. Ive suggested it before but he reckons he couldn't stay awake and he likes time to himself on a Saturday night to play on his computer game, which I totally get because he gets no time to himself. But maybe he can give up one Saturday evening, I will keep trying xxx

Well done.
Things are really shitty at the moment and being stuck at home with a toddler all day is NOT fun.
So you are not unreasonable to be fed up.
If he likes to game on a Saturday that is tricky.
Is that his way to unwind?
Well without anger, you need to explain that you are feeling lonely and would like some company.
Can you up the mornings your daughter is in nursery?
Make sure you are out of the house for a walk with a friend or family when you don't have her.
Don't stay at home doing housework.
You need to get out of the house for a head break.

We could send her a couple more mornings a week I suppose. It would be good for her, as long as she behaves herself I hope. He plays on his game to unwind but I'm happy to compromise with him so he does it on Sunday instead, so it's definitely worth mentioning to him. I only really do minor housework now, like tidying and hoovering and washing up and laundry if there's any. I hate housework, so I leave it to the late afternoon while dinner is cooking. We are quite lucky as we live a 15 minute drive away from the beach do have been walking there alot, my daughter likes to run in the sea, over and over again haha! My wellies have holes so my feet end up getting soaking going on after her (note to self, get new wellies). We are really missing swimming too, that's something we do as a family on a Saturday evening usually, but all pools are closed at the moment the lack of swimming is probably why all the bathwater ends up on the floor lol I need to try and be more positive x

I think it sounds like you are a great mum that is doing her best.

Looking at housework as an act of love you are doing for your family was something a friend told me once, she was an American Christian. It's a nice idea, some days are easier than others to offer it up😁.

This phase will pass.

Ask the nursery what they expect YOU to do.
They should be able to deal with a 2 year old.
Children don't share easily at that age, they need to be taught and gently disciplined by being removed from a situation if they become angry.
It's a stage.

Don't be too apologetic, they are the professionals, they should be able to deal with her.

Be firm with her at home in a gentle way. No means no!

Once she gets to 3 their comprehension increases massively and reasoning increases.

Think of something nice you can do for yourself like meeting someone you like for a walk and a coffee.
Break up your routine with something nice.

It sounds like you think "love" is just an emotion/ or feeling. Well, feelings are fleeting and are affected by all kinds of things outside our control.

Love is not about feeling, it's about doing. True love includes self sacrifice, willing the good of the other person and acting accordingly.

You have to work on marriages, nothing in life comes easy, especially in this imperfect world. Yes things are difficult and it should be acknowledged, but you need to start being more grateful for the abundance that you DO have. You're blessed to be married to a good man who provides, you're blessed to have a child, you're blessed to be in a position where you can be a SAHM, etc etc. Try starting a gratitude diary.

If you feel what you're experiencing could be the start of depression, see your GP, do something meaningful e.g. attend Church service/volunteer remotely/check on people around you who may be vulnerable or isolated etc.

Also just to add, the work you did as a care worker is utterly fantastic 👏 It's such an undervalued job that is so important in our society!

Thanks for your support and replied it's really nice to be able to chat to other flow mum's on here, especially during a pandemic. Xx