Hurting a few months on. Advice welcome

[Stunnedtryingtobe]

I am 6 months out of an abusive relationship with a narcissistic ex. I did the dumping, mainly as my mental health could not take it any longer.

It was the classic love bombing at the beginning (within 2 weeks he told me he loved me) I was the only person he ever loved (he never loved the mother of his 5kids) he wanted a house, marriage, babies, this was all within 6 months. He became controlling, possessive and jealous and used to flaunt me in front of his poor ex (I now have utmost sympathy for her) and then flaunt other women in front of me to see my reaction. Used to go AWOL for days if we had an argument, you get the picture.

He has seen several women since we split even though at Christmas he told me he wanted me back. Apart from blocking him on social media i don’t know how I can heal from this. It’s really difficult and I think about things a lot, I don’t want him back in the slightest but it still hurts, 6 months on. Friends telling me he’s happy and loved up with his new girlfriend and they are moving in together, whilst I’m still in pieces, I know I’ve had a lucky escape and I’ve read up on narcissistic personality disorder, he literally fits the description to a tee.

I feel like I’m broken mentally and I don’t know how to heal myself.

I guess I’m just annoyed at myself for falling for it. If anyone has any advice it would be welcome.

It’s so hard - been through this - but I had two children with him. You should be so proud of yourself for getting out when you did. You can have a clean break with no need to stay in contact.
His relationships will never work - he simply loves himself too much. my ex is 52 and now trawling the internet for 20-30 year olds abroad to ‘buy’ their love.

You have had a lucky escape, give yourself time and you will heal and be stronger than ever

Firstly, good on you for getting free.

Secondly, I'd tell my friends not to share details with me about him or vice versa. That you have no interest in hearing about his life. If they can't do this then I'd reassess my friendship with them.

Unfortunately, often once we have spotted a narcissist in our life in one capacity, we realise we have them in others too.

Surround yourself only with supportive people who want to lift you up not drag you down.

Keep him blocked. You may find that reading up on narcissists (and watching youtube vloggers) will help (certainly do this before you start dating again and keep it up throughout your life). But you may feel it is a bit overwhelming to do this at some points in time. So play that by ear. Step back from it if necessary.

Otherwise, br good to yourself. You could also write down all the horrible things he did and said so if you ever feel nostalgic you could look at that.

Or, for closure, write a letter to him with everything to want to scream at the git. Then burn it.

How is your self esteem doing? Does it need work? If so, looking at your self in the mirror and saying out loud one compliment every day can help.

Youve escaped an abusive relationship. Concentrate on how good that will be for your MH and self esteem.

A few years ago my friend in Ireland was involved with a man she wanted a relationship with but he was blowing hot and cold with her. She decided to give him a final chance and he let her down for the last time.
A few weeks she found out he had a new girlfriend.

A few months later his girlfriend was pregnant. My friend said to me I sure the fact that he owns a house with no mortgage, has a good job and savings had nothing to do with the quick pregnancy.

Well it now a few years later. He is still living with the mother of his child but they never got engaged or married. He is in poor health. If he dies his partner won't get as much as she expects due to large tax bill because there not married.
My friend has heard that he was contacting another women for sex texting and for no strings sex but due to covid he can't travel for the latter.

My friend is in a good place now and she said it was hard dealing with the way he treated her in the past. She is now glad for so many reasons that she got away from him because he just bad news and uses people.

Just be thankful that you got away from the man with the 5 kids because he sounds like a horrible person. Look forward to meeting the decent man you deserve.

Savoretti - I’m so sorry. I hope you’re alright and your children aren’t too affected by him. That’s disgusting what he’s doing looking for women like that.

Wanderlusto - thanks. You are 100% correct, unfortunately (or maybe not) I’ve thought back to past relationships and friendships and realised I have followed a pattern, all because I think I was raised by narcisstists. It was a bit of a shock to say the least and it really hurt seeing as I’m nearly 40 and have only just realised this! I must admit, I have been looking up articles, videos, done the letter thing and the list of all the horrible things he had done. I came up with 50 and then I stopped!

Thanks torquewench and llady. I really worry about the effect these people have on others. I’m not young and naive anymore so I feel worse that I didn’t figure it out until now.

I think time will help but I’m just sad that he gets to live that happy carefree life. I also feel really badly for his children. When he was with me he constantly badmouthed their mother and prioritised me over them, even when I told him not to. I feel he is really going to mess them up. They are such nice kids.

Op you sound like you have had a lucky escape from him and with the greatest respect, I imagine 5 kids being involved too can't have been easy.

I always found making a goal and sticking to achieving it a distraction. Anything, read a new book, exercise, start an udemy course (these are free online) or learning a language (can't say I've always been successful in this one!) In your free time where you would generally dwell. X

I have been thinking about doing an online course actually, it might be time to look into it. Not much else to do these days!!

I think splitting up from a narcissist is horrendous, he's flaunting his new gf under your nose as he did you with his ex. Trust me, the cycle will continue over and over again with him until he finds some poor sod who's not strong enough to leave him.

The pain these people inflict is awful, because you do remember the good time, even though now you realise they weren't real. When I split from my narcissistic bf i thought if felt like what coming off drugs must feel like. I was addicted to him, addicted to the highs and lows, what I though he could be. I found cold turkey and a lot of self love was what was needed.

You can do this op

Harknessswitch, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, it’s exactly like coming off drugs. The highs were out of this world but the lows were unbearable. I was constantly in tears towards the end, lost weight, couldn’t sleep or eat etc. I just want to get to a point where nothing he does bothers me anymore.

I don’t know how he’s met his new girlfriend to be honest what with lockdown restrictions, I’m guessing she was already waiting in the wings before we split, which really hurts.

What is also really hurting is that friends I’ve known for over 10 years have seemingly taken his side, he hasn’t been in their lives for long yet won them over with his false compliments and fake personality. They don’t want to believe anything different so have distanced themselves from me and from what I hear are happily talking to him normally and planning to meet when the restrictions are lifted. I think I’m more bothered about that than anything.

Pft, sod the jerks. Chances are they will learn, in time.

I'd totally message the new gf with 'I wonder, has he started to slag off and play you off against his ex wife yet? Seriously, google - narcissistic personality disorder. You can think I'm the bitch ex all you like but please, just do it and learn the signs. I wish I'd known them. I think women should build eachother up and look out for eachother so I'm giving you a heads up. All the best, stay safe'

That being said, she might not have seen the signs yet it they are early days and still in lockdown. Chances are, when she starts properly meeting him, it'll be apparent - maybe she has seen similar before. Maybe watch and wait for a bit. And bare in mind that if you do say anything then I'm sure he will tell everyone you are shit stirring. But...I'd still do it personally. Anyone who believes him over you after 10 years is not worth your friend. And I'd want to warn her.

Perhaps you could even message her anonymously in some way just telling her to google npd and learn the signs because there someone in her life she has to protect herself from.

But don't do anything that you feel would jeopardise your mental health or well being. You're still healing, it takes time and it's not selfish to want to keep the hell out of any more of his drama.

I get why I’d need to warn her but I’ve never met or seen this woman, I don’t know her name or what she looks like. Also, a friend told me to be careful at the beginning as she’d seen the signs quite early on but I chose to ignore her, he put it down to jealousy. He also made out his ex was crazy and asked me to block her so she didn’t message me... I now know it’s so I didn’t find him out. I don’t think she’ll listen, he’s already been telling lies about me to people.

Yeh, standard of his sort.

I guess you should just make a clean break.
I'd reconnect with that friend that warned you maybe. Seemed like she had your back.

Just before we split I ran everything past her. She didn’t tell me I told you so but gave me the strength I needed to realise that what he was doing wasn’t okay. Oddly though she is the one who gives me the updates as to what he’s up to, I think it’s because I’ve said I don’t care, but inside I do. I never ask, I don’t want to know, I want him to move on, disappear, go away. He admitted to her he tells her hoping she’ll tell me, he’s made it quite plain telling her these things specifically to hurt me. He’s a truly evil man.

Ah, he has stolen her away and now she is a flying monkey for him, damn. Cut her loose. Cause she will share your details with him too otherwise.

Completely agree. I don’t trust anyone anymore, I’m constantly looking over my shoulder when I’m out (which is rare these days!!). I just hope I’m able to make peace with it soon, it’s keeping me awake at night.

Hopeful bump, just wondering how I’m able to relax and get some sleep without thinking about things constantly.

You could try reading a book in bed and once you've read a few chapters and then finished one, turn the light out.

I find an obsessive hobby helps too. For me, of I get a new videogame that I become engrossed in. Playing through the red dead redemption 2 game (cowboys) narrative really kept me distracted. I'm.a sucker for anything with pretty horses.

And theres a weird thing that I do when I cant sleep that often helps me. I imagine I'm building my own farm in my mind. So I first might figure put what ny house layout is (and imagine what all the rooms look like). Then I move on to how many animals I have. And then I figure out how much produce they provide and how much of that I should keep vs take to market and how much I will sell milk, cheese, butter, cream, eggs ect..for - and how much profit I would make. The key is doing the sums in your head. A bunch of math is complicated for the brain at night. Once you've come to some conclusions, it's like finishing a chapter of a book 'oooh...cool' *thunk- out like a light.

Just as long as you dont end up googling how many pints of milk a cow produces per day, at 3am lol

I love farming games though tbf so maybe that's where I initially got the idea. But I've used it for years. I guess it's like counting sheep.

Oddly enough I just split with someone last week (Wahhh) and far from that keeping me up at night, I've been re-engrossed in an old farming game. I got up at 4am the other night to search the place because I remembered I had a piece of equipment that would help. Guess any obsession isn't healthy tbf....but some of them are fun lol.

Ooh, final thought - you could use it with something else too like something that interests you.

Eg: imagine you are an etsy seller and you sell little bits and bobs you make, work out in your head - how many can you make in a day? How much do the products cost to make? How much profit do you make from each? In total? Ect...

Basically, math but make it relevant to you.

Hope you got to sleep last night alright!

@Wanderlusto I’m so sorry I didn’t reply to your messages back in February. I didn’t receive any notifications and didn’t think to check!

Thank you for your time in giving advice. The farming game and maths exercises sound good. How are you though, after your breakup, hope you are okay?

It’s been about a month since I posted and every day I’m feeling better. I’ve avoided the people who give me constant updates although some trickled through where he has another new girlfriend and spread fresh rumours around about me, but again I didn’t react and even the people he told laughed at him, so I hear. I haven’t spoken to him or seen him for so long so it makes him look silly. The power he’s got over me is deteriorating although I’m still looking over my shoulder when I’m out and about as he knows my movements.

No matter what time I go to bed I always wake up at 3am which is really very annoying. I might have to try the exercises you suggested. I exercise a lot to try and wear myself out but that doesn’t seem to work at the moment.

I do wonder whether he’ll end up in the news some day. Sounds dramatic I know, but he always used to give me stories of people he knew being inappropriate, cheating, aggressive, abusive, paedos and I do think he was projecting and it was all him. Makes me feel ill thinking about it so I try not to.