Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not acknowledging my birthday

37 replies

whirleywoo · 17/02/2021 22:44

I can't decide if I just need to grow up or if I am legitimately seething.

My DP decided to take a job abroad for 2 months: the time away is extended due to the quarantine when he arrived there and the it will be the same when he returns to the UK in late March.

He does not need to work and has a good income from a business he built up and now needs only light touch involvement from him. However, he was rung out of the blue by an old work colleague at Xmas about the job. He said yes without even talking to me about it.

I'm at home now on my own with my severely disabled child during lockdown and feel very isolated. He is his step-dad so not his biological child for context.

It was my 40th this week and he did nothing to mark the occasion on the day. He had given me a card before he left a few weeks ago and felt that was enough. It's caused me so much upset and he does not seem to understand why. I can't bear to speak to him at the moment because of it.

I'm at the point where I am now wondering if I am blowing it out of proportion? or is he a total dick?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 18/02/2021 02:05

New definition of boyfriend here as a single man! Not sure the Oxford dictionary can process that oxymoron. Well done mumsnet Grin
He sounds like a reasonable guy for a casual acquaintance. To have a drink with every year or so.

CatAndHisKit · 18/02/2021 02:28

just LTB, OP. Angry

RantyAnty · 18/02/2021 02:37

LTB OP.

He's supposed to be in a committed relationship but doesn't really act like it.

I've noticed here lately that often men and women have an entirely different view on what DP means, and it shows through actions.

category12 · 18/02/2021 06:08

Yeah, op's chap certainly thinks of himself as a free agent and answerable to no-one. Moving in clearly didn't mean he was more committed.

Op, I think you should probably free him further. He's not actually giving you the sort of relationship you want and need, and settling for what he's prepared to put in isn't going to do you any good in the long run.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2021 06:47

He’s gone off abroad without even discussing it with you first, and he’s generally rubbish
Just dump him

snowydaysandholidays · 18/02/2021 07:30

He is not invested in you, simple as that. It would be a dealbreaker.
It is not the birthday per se, but the glowing evidence now that you are no longer or maybe never were that important to him.

It will only get worse. I would feel used and hurt and would absolutely end it.

Original poster
whirleywoo · 18/02/2021 07:34

@katy1213

Why would that make me a surrendered wife? People use DP on here for everything from 'we'e got half a dozen kids and a hamster and he's been promising to promise since 1992' to 'random bloke that I met online but he's left his toothbrush behind twice.' Both DPs are single! It's no good expecting any more from them than they've signed up for.
We're not single. We've been together 2 1/2 years. Before he went away I think we had about 7 nights apart in 3 months.
OP posts:
MotherExtraordinaire · 18/02/2021 09:40

@whirleywoo

I can't decide if I just need to grow up or if I am legitimately seething.

My DP decided to take a job abroad for 2 months: the time away is extended due to the quarantine when he arrived there and the it will be the same when he returns to the UK in late March.

He does not need to work and has a good income from a business he built up and now needs only light touch involvement from him. However, he was rung out of the blue by an old work colleague at Xmas about the job. He said yes without even talking to me about it.

I'm at home now on my own with my severely disabled child during lockdown and feel very isolated. He is his step-dad so not his biological child for context.

It was my 40th this week and he did nothing to mark the occasion on the day. He had given me a card before he left a few weeks ago and felt that was enough. It's caused me so much upset and he does not seem to understand why. I can't bear to speak to him at the moment because of it.

I'm at the point where I am now wondering if I am blowing it out of proportion? or is he a total dick?

My observations : He doesn't need to pass it by you when responding to job offers. You don't live together per se, you maintain separate homes and really only spent time more with one another due to the pandemic. Your child is always will be your responsibility and at this point in time, is not a consideration for your bf to consider. You're a single parent dating a bf. You already knew he was not the sort of person to "pull it out of the bag".

Personally, if he cba to make more of an effort, then you need to decide if that's because you're not important enough or because noone is and he sees no relevance to such offerings. Would he have gifted or made a point of gifting to his mother or sister for example? Could he be intending to bring a gift back?

If you want to make this into the type of relationship that's more a partnership, then you need to have full discussions moving forward and see if he sees things the same way.

ravenmum · 18/02/2021 09:47

It does sound like he thinks he's single, doesn't it?

Did he not contact you at all on the day? No present?

Do you think he might have done it deliberately as the first move in an exit?

workshy44 · 18/02/2021 10:02

Happened to me too, my DH got me nothing for my 40th and we spent the evening celebrating his friends 50th so I couldn't even say it was my birthday. I will never forgive him
While we are in a much better place now it was a sign that he didn't give a shit about me (had his head turned at the time)
If he can't make a fuss of you 2 years in for such a milestone birthday he never will
I really would be ending it I think.

Commonwasher · 18/02/2021 13:51

I think I would have to stop seething about the lack of discussion about his non essential work trip before I could start getting my head around the lack of birthday...

He is very unreasonable.

user1493413286 · 18/02/2021 13:55

I think the fact he took the job without talking to you says a lot I’m afraid. It also wouldn’t have taken him 5 minutes to arrange to send you flowers or get something decent before he went. Sorry to say it but I think his behaviour is telling you all you need to know

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.