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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

cant take much more

17 replies

Donna20x · 02/11/2007 23:38

my dp was, or should i say, still is, addicted to dating sites, chat rooms etc when we met (not thru any online thing) he promised he wudnt go on them again. he broke that promise.
on new years eve, while we was out having a drink, he was texting a girl off 1 of these sites asking for a 3some and sending her pics of himself 'down there'
i confronted him about this and he said he was texting her,going on these sites etc, to escape reality, that he was feeling depressed, and promised not to do it again.
fast forward a couple of months later, i had a hunch that he was still going on this certain site, cybering with women, so i went on, posing as someone else, and he started cybering with me. yet again i confronted him and yet again he gave the same reason and promised not to do it again.
for a while, he has been texting this woman, which, usually i wouldnt mind, but, he deletes the texts he sends her and the ones she sends him. i mean wtf?
i asked him if there was anything going on and he said no. so i said if there wasnt why do you need to hide the texts? he just said 'because i can'
a few weeks ago i was using his works laptop and saw some emails from a dating site, so me being nosey i opened the email and saw that he had signed up to it and was sending and recievin messages. i logged onto the dating site and his profile said, single looking for fun with females and female couples. he said when i asked him about it that he just did it for a laugh!
tonight he has texted the above mentioned woman and yet again deleted the texts.
another thing now, i was trying to sort out our finances has dp has been made redundant. on his bank statement, to my horror, was nearly 1000quid gone onto a gamblimg site. he told me that he had been on but only bet around 100 and won back 80.
i really am at my wits end with him. we havent had sex for nearly 6months because he doesnt want to and it just makes me feel really crap about myself.
sorry for going on and posting this

OP posts:
mobileslostisitinthefreezer · 02/11/2007 23:52

You have a choice Donna, 20 years of him lying and you feeling like a doormat ... no matter how much you love him. Or. Dump him now, you never know it just might be the shock he needs to grow up and behave like a normal responsible Adult. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you sound just like my sis (don't worry I live in kent you are not my sis! ) and this is what she has done, she has now spent 20 yrs living with a man who she says doesn't cheat on her by having sex with other women, but he does go on loads of dates etc. I wish I had said to her 20 yrs ago LEAVE HIM ... YOU DESERVE A GOOD MAN not someone who cheats and lies; just because he can.

SmileSam · 02/11/2007 23:58

Is he taking you seriously when you tell him you've had enough? You need to give him a reality check. Would you leave or tell him to leave until he can promise/prove that he's not lying anymore. Maybe make him jealous by getting a friend to text/Email you with innuendos (pretending to be a bloke) and see how he likes it. I think he needs a taste of his own medicine to stop taking you for granted. I know he's only looking and says it's just for fun, but it's a respect thing. If it upsets you and you've explained this, he should sodding well pack it in. Get glammed up, go out with your mates, talk about being chatted up so he can hear etc. etc. and I'm sure he'll soon come running. Why are some men such arseholes?? Good luck, don't get the bas@*rd get you down and definitely don't feel crap about yourself, he's the one with the problem.

SmileSam · 02/11/2007 23:59

Is he taking you seriously when you tell him you've had enough? You need to give him a reality check. Would you leave or tell him to leave until he can promise/prove that he's not lying anymore? Maybe make him jealous by getting a friend to text/Email you with innuendos (pretending to be a bloke) and see how he likes it. I think he needs a taste of his own medicine to stop taking you for granted. I know he's only looking and says it's just for fun, but it's a respect thing. If it upsets you and you've explained this, he should sodding well pack it in. Get glammed up, go out with your mates, talk about being chatted up so he can hear etc. etc. and I'm sure he'll soon come running. Why are some men such arseholes?? Good luck, don't get the bas@*rd get you down and definitely don't feel crap about yourself, he's the one with the problem.

Doodledootoo · 03/11/2007 00:10

Message withdrawn

mobileslostisitinthefreezer · 03/11/2007 00:13

You know you can have a mental affair (everything but sex) and I swear that they are worse. My sis has been crucified by her fella, he has never been physically of emotionally abusive, but, by this constant lying and cheating she is a shell of the lively vivacious woman she was, and thats the rub he uses it as a reason to see other women as she is not a 'normal' woman because she isn't as giggly any more.

God I would like to force feed him his bollocks.

lispy · 03/11/2007 00:20

I think he sounds messed up and I wouldn't allow someone 'addicted' to those kinds of sites and who sends those kinds of emails/texts around my child. ever. Sorry.

RosaTransylvania · 03/11/2007 00:26

Donna,don't be sorry for posting. You should not feel you have to put up with this behaviour, it is completely unacceptable. What are you getting out of this relationship? This guy has got no respect for you whatsoever. Is there any reason at all why you would not be happier on your own?

OverMyDeadBody · 03/11/2007 08:05

Why are you with this man Donna? Why not just leave? It doesn't sound like his behavious is worth putting up with, and he's not going to change you know, no matter how many promises he makes.

Donna20x · 03/11/2007 08:24

thanks for all replys.
why am i with him??
because i love him and we have a 12week old dd.
to be honest though, i have wanted to leave but

  1. i have no family/friends that i could stay with 2)the council wont give me a house because of my ex. (my last council house was in my name, i gave him money every month to pay the rent, and unbeknown to me he was gambling it away) 3)i have no money whatsoever 4)im too scared to be on my own
OP posts:
Donna20x · 03/11/2007 08:25

reading that back, i realise just how sad i, and my life really is

OP posts:
moonmother · 03/11/2007 08:35

Donna you and your life aren't 'sad' but your relationship with this man is not going to do you or your Dd any favours.

My exdp was doing this and I had a DD(4) and a 6 month old DS at the time.It got to the stage where I wouldn't and couldn't put up with it anymore and the inevitable happened and we split up.
Like you I had no money of my own,he wouldn't leave(it was his place) so in the end me,and my kids ended up moving back home with my parents.I was there 3 years waiting for a house with the council,in the end I found a great landlady and rented a house on Hb.

Fast forward a few years and now I have a lovely home with a great partner ,who's brilliant with my kids,loves and more importantly respects me and my life has never been happier.

My ex has a gf but still is upto his usual old tricks,hes a good dad to his kids but other than that has nothing going for him.

It is scary making the decision that you will not stand to be treated this way anymore but trust me its worth it in the end.

Is there any way you and DD can stay where you are and make him move out?

DirtyGertiefromnumber30 · 03/11/2007 08:45

oh donna, your life is only sad as long as you let it be. Please be strong and try and make changes.
Your dp is carrying on his disgusting behaviour becuase you are allowing yourself to be a victim. You can be in control of your life, there are people who can help you.

Im sure if you speak to the CAB about your housing situation they may give you some advise.

This man is NOT going to change donna. You and your baby deserve more. Start looking into options and gathering information so you can leave him. You need to have a solid plan and then you will start to feel stronger. There is no need to be scared of being on your own. A lifetime with this man is far scarier imo.

Good luck x

Donna20x · 03/11/2007 09:29

i cant make him leave. its his house.
gawd, where do i start? i think i should leave,if not for good, then just for a while to make him realise just what he his missing.
i will go to the CAB monday morning and see where i stand regarding housing, finance etc. only thing is,i did see the council about a month ago, the said that, not only will the not give me something because of my previous arrears, but also i would be making myself intentially homeless!
maybe getting a private house would be the best bet.
the only reason that i am scared is because i have never ever lived on my own and its terrifing to be honest

OP posts:
moonmother · 03/11/2007 09:44

theres a website www.entitledto.co.uk that you put all your details in and it tells you how much help you'd get ie income support,housing benefit ...its worth playing around with,it helped me when I went through this.
Living on your own is abit scary at first but it also can be very liberating too...have a look on the lone parents board,theres loads of good advice on there,and some threads on how good it is to live on your own!!!.

The hardest part is making the leap,so to speak,it is hard for a short time but in my experience I've made a better and more importantly a happier life for me and my children.Now I can even begin to contemplate being treated like I was and going back to that way of life again.

Prepare to make that new life for you and your Dd,show him he can't keep treating you like this...leave ,make him realise what he's missing,perhaps it may give him the kick up the backside he needs....but please don't let him walk all over you,you deserve better than that,and your DD needs to grow up in a home where her mum is respected.

MitfordSisters · 03/11/2007 11:14

Hi Donna

Agree it would be good if you get away for a while, if only for your own sanity! Think who you and baby could stay with for a week. And write down everything that you tolerate from him now that you will no longer put up with - emotional affairs, lying etc. Be strong. Write it down and give it to him and go - don't discuss it with him. If you decide to make a go of it, think he needs help with addiction problems.

((((hugs))))

Donna20x · 03/11/2007 21:41

well this morning i rang up about renting a private house. circled it in the paper n wrote the time that i had a viewing. OH saw this, instantly gave me his phone, and said 'delete her number' he then changed his. ive told him he has untill the 12th nov, the day i view the house, to buck his ideas up, prove to me that he will keep to his word n just generally stop acting lyka prat, otherwise im gone!

OP posts:
mobileslostisitinthefreezer · 04/11/2007 11:56

You have got to mean it though Donna, otherwise your other half will always think he can get away with behaving this way.
If he is not 100% improved between now and view day, then you must go, it is the only way to get him to listen to what you are saying, and if he doesn't improve enough then still go as it will pproove he doesn't think enough of you to respect your wishes.

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