Moving dilemma

[humanorwooman]

NC for this as I'm worried it's outing.

Have been planning to move in with DP for a while. He is a high earner and has a job he loves that would be tricky to change. He lives in a nice area and has a great social circle. Schools are good around there. It's about an hour away from my current area.

I don't earn nearly as much as can find a job in my line of work pretty much anywhere. My DC have friends here but not super close friends they would miss forever. I don't have family around here but do have a small handful of friends. I don't like this area much- I moved here with DC's dad years ago and just never left. I'd been very set on moving but the DC are going through a daddy phase at the moment and want to be with him a lot. Their dad lives in current area. He is a great dad- we share custody 70/30 in my favour, though he'd do more if needed. We both drive.

Sorry, now that I've vomitted up all the info, my dilemma is this: I want to move- I never really wanted to be in this area in the first place- but I'm afraid that it's a really awful thing to do to DC's dad and DC (they'd still see him 3 weekends out of 4 a month- not a particularly long drive). I'm also a bit scared he'd go for custody and win.

DP could move here but wouldn't be very happy, whereas the opportunities in his area are much better for all of us. WWYD?

Any possibility of moving in together halfway between your current areas?

If you're set on moving, yes you can legally do this but I think it's then up to you to facilitate contact - so either giving your ex petrol money if he's picking up, or dropping them off and collecting them yourself.

Is 3/4 weekends a month less than they're currently seeing him? If it's the same, then as long as you're prepared to cover the travel, I think it's fair enough. Especially if the schools are better there.

If he had them Friday night til Sunday night it'd work out to be about the same as he has them now.

An hour away is not unreasonable and it sounds like your ex could still have plenty of quality time with his children.
There would definitely be short- term upheaval but it would pass.
Maybe just suggest he picks the children up but you will collect them?
You are not tied to the same area for life and you moving seems the better option than your partner moving.
Why would ex go for custody?

Because he's really unhappy about the idea of not just being up the road from them- he says this is their home and where they should stay. It's his home town and he loves it, but it's not a very nice place with little going for it and to be honest I feel a bit trapped.

Don't let him control your future then! It's his hometown and will remain so. It's not yours.

Are you planning to marry your partner? Would you leave yourself vulnerable if you move in with him and then you split up down the line? Will you lose any benefits so be worse off in your own right living together?

You don’t have to answer any of that but worth considering if you haven’t.

Of course your isn’t happy. If makes it harder for him to pop in to school events if that’s something he’d previously do, it’s a lot more driving for the DC whomever is fetching and carrying. It limits the possibility of more flexible contact between them. He’s presumably happy with their current schools so you deciding to move them so you can live with your boyfriend probably seems extremely unfair. He might not need to go to court if they’re old enough to decide to spend more time with him or want to switch primary residences. If their friends are in your current area they might want more holiday time at their dad’s.

But he can’t stop you doing it so either discuss it openly and suggest ways you can all continue to facilitate quality contact, or make your plans and see what everyone does.

I've considered all that, thanks Anne. I'll lose CB as he earns too much, and I'll be paying more in childcare as won't have the DC's dad to help out during the week (currently does a school pick up once a week) but other than that I'll be okay as I work FT in a professional job and whilst I don't earn loads, it's a stable career and I'm good at it so can and will progress career-wise. DP is anti marriage (I would insist if we had our own DC) but I'll be making sure to take certain steps not to make myself vulnerable.

Schools so far have all been sorted by me- their dad wouldn't mind where they went. Their primary is great but no decent secondary options here unless private (not an option) or Catholic (not willing to get a faux-baptism and lie to the school). Ex isn't bothered about schools- was never academic himself and only passed a handful of GCSEs, but it's super important to me. In terms of friends; youngest is very young and also very sociable and I'm sure they'd be fine (plus missed most of their school life due to covid) and eldest is quite a loner with no real friends (one who is quite manipulative IMO) so it might be good to move them away for a fresh start.

Ex would very very rarely bother to drop in to school events etc., he just likes the idea of them being around the corner and of it being easy (and probably from them to be from his hometown, like he is).

You should stay where you are and wait until your kids are older. If you have children, you need to put them first. Your new man is of no relevance to your kids, why would they want to move away from their own dad and familiar area, into the house of a man who has nothing to do with them and with whom they would be forced to share their personal space and lives?

Your ex is their dad, of course they want to be near him. Your mention that they're going through a "daddy phase" is strange when I'm sure youre aware the kids don't belong to you and it's completely normal for kids to have a close bond with their parent. It'd be very selfish to uproot them and drag them further away from their other parent. I don't understand this mindset at all. Would you be happy if he decided to take the kids and move them away so he could live with another woman in different location??

If you're very set on moving in with this guy, then arrange for their dad to have primary custody and you can see them at weekends.

I would not be moving unmarried into his home unless you 100% have the financial resources to get your own home should he kick you out or the relationship goes south.

@Suagar

You should stay where you are and wait until your kids are older. If you have children, you need to put them first. Your new man is of no relevance to your kids, why would they want to move away from their own dad and familiar area, into the house of a man who has nothing to do with them and with whom they would be forced to share their personal space and lives?

Your ex is their dad, of course they want to be near him. Your mention that they're going through a "daddy phase" is strange when I'm sure youre aware the kids don't belong to you and it's completely normal for kids to have a close bond with their parent. It'd be very selfish to uproot them and drag them further away from their other parent. I don't understand this mindset at all. Would you be happy if he decided to take the kids and move them away so he could live with another woman in different location??

If you're very set on moving in with this guy, then arrange for their dad to have primary custody and you can see them at weekends.

Totally disagree. So op's happiness and a fresh start for her children (sounds needed for the eldest) are trumped by a fathers right to have "the option" to see his children more, if he so fancied, and also to be able to say the grew up in the same deadbeat town? What if the father moved an hour away? Nobody would bat an eyelid. It is not a mother's duty to sacrifice her own happiness for 18 years to meet the whims of the ex. You can have a very close relationship with your children an hour down the road. She isn't emigrating. I do agree however that Op needs to be financially responsible in this situation, although that would be the same if she and the new partner moved in to a new place in her current town.

You’re allowed to move. It’s only an hour! My parents live that far and we see them every Saturday! Some people drive a work commute that distance. Standard. You aren’t expected to sacrifice your life. They will be going to school and having the same number of contact days. It’s a non issue. Go and enjoy your life. Just make sure you aren’t giving up independence. Don’t start making any financial contributions to a house that doesn’t have your name on it. You’d be best to rent your own place in that area surely?

If you need proper information then pay for an hours advice from a solicitor. I did. They’ll tell you what I’ve told you. You can move. An hours distance will mean nothing to a court. The contact stays the same.

@Riojasmoothy Like I said, she's completely free to move in with this man on her own, but why the assumption that their joint kids should also uproot their lives and being close by their parent because her boyfriend of 2 years isn't happy about living where the kids are based?

Dads are just as important as mums. Those who don't bat an eyelid are people who devalue fatherhood. The dads who love their kids and want to be a key part of their lives don't move an hour away. We're not talking about a deadbeat dad here. OP herself said he's an involved dad, he obviously loves his kids, and their kids want to be with him a lot.

Their parents breaking up sadly means they've been lost out on the normal day to day interaction they would have with their dad. They may soon want to spend more of their time with their dad and have the opportunity to pop round informally and regularly to his as they get older and have more control. Moving them an hour away is going to hinder that a lot. This could also cause them to resent her when they're older.

OP is also making a series of assumptions that her kids would want to uproot their lives, move schools, move an hour away from their dad, in order to move into the house of an unrelated man they haven't chosen. This is a massive change for any child. Plus if the OP breaks up with this boyfriend down the line (which is statistically very likely) they're going to face the turmoil and disruption of yet another break up and having to move home. It's just so unfair.

Correction: not sure if it is 2 years but the point is the OP is not even married to this guy and he's made it clear he doesn't want to ever legally commit to her. It means he can turf out the OP and the kids at any time. This is a really unstable situation for the kids to be put in.

My kids see their dad EOW, longer during lockdown and half terms, they FaceTime and email each other regularly. They're very close. We live 100 miles apart/1.45 drive minimum (between London and south coast so bad traffic regularly)

Expecting OP to put her life on hold isn't fair or realistic. Dads can move wherever they want, without good reason or permission and she should have the same rights. Telling her to leave the kids with the dad isn't always realistic either - I expect if he wanted them more he'd have gone for 50/50 contact.

Do it, it's an hour which is as far as I travel to work every day, it's nothing! And I agree that schools/education are a really important consideration

I think moving an hour away is a secondary consideration to what position you’d find yourself in if you split up.

You’re not married.
He is a high earner
You’ll be all moving into his house.

If you split up, do you have the money to buy your own house/flat?
Could you afford to rent?
What would happen if you split in 10/15/20 years time. Do you have a pension you could survive on and rent/buy a home?

If the answer to the above are all yes, then consider it. If the answer/s are no, then stay where you are.

Thank you for the concern RE finances. I own my own house now and would probably just rent it so I retained security. DP has finances to buy a house with his own money. We won't be sharing finances. I'll be paying 50% of bills and food but none of the mortgage. Keeps us both secure for now. I don't think marriage is a good idea when we've not even lived together properly yet. Like I said, if we decide to have a baby we will marry for the legal protection, and if we're together for in 5ish years we probably will for the sake of wills etc.

To the poster who commented about the 'daddy phase'- yes I know children love both parents, that's not at all what I meant. I just meant they're going through a phase of liking him more. Sometimes they want to be with me more, but at the moment they're enjoying being with him. Not unhappy with me by any stretch, but daddy is winning the popularity contest this week IYSWIM?

And yes, I have a pension.

Leaving my children is not an option. I'd rather end my relationship than have less than 50% custody. I birthed them and fed them and put my life on hold and was there for them and it would just kill me. I know their dad adores them too but he wasn't home literally attached to them for years. It would break me to leave them. And I worry that children living away from their mother would feel rejected- it's the norm to live with mum, what sort of mum moves away from her children? What if they think they're not wanted? Plus I want to have a day-to-day say in diet, doing homework, limitting TV etc- all things their dad isn't particularly fussed over.

Yes, I realise this makes me a hypocrite, and maybe their dad feels the same way. Just trying to vocalise my concerns over leaving them.