Confusing plans

[Lollypopxx]

I'm a mum of two children and I've started seeing someone this last 6 months. We've got different lifestyles currently. He's single and lives alone with his dog.

We've been talking about the future alot and he seems keen on us being long-term. I feel the same and hope we can spend lots of time together when lockdown settles.

We was talking this afternoon about him moving eventually. He's living in a rented house and it was just a temporary stepping stone whilst he sorted after a seperation. He's 3 miles away from my house and I kinda hoped he would rent somewhere in the town we live nearer me. But he said he wouldn't move anywhere else here and would move into the countryside. I was abit like oh. Ok. How can we build a life together potentially if he doesn't want to live near me or be local to where my kids go to school etc.

Got of the phone and feel abit like that's a sign we won't work out. I kinda want to send him a message to say when you move out of town do you see us then.

How should I word it? I don't see the point going any further right now as It feels his plans don't involve me. It wasn't even about me moving in with him. Just hoped we would love close to eachother to develop what we have. I also can't drive.

What would you say?

Has he said why he wants to move to the countryside? Just because it's the countryside or another reason? I don't think there is anything wrong in asking how he sees this working with him living further out. Does he just want to see you, but maintain separate houses?

I’d talk to him, properly. Not by message but over the phone or preferably in person. It’s only been 6 months, how many times have you actually seen each other in that time? How far away is this countryside he speaks of? Be honest you were surprised by what he said and ask how often he thinks you’ll be able to see each other if he moves where he’s suggested. If you can’t talk about this sort of stuff what sort of relationship is it?

Hi. I've known him a year and we've seen eachother twice a week until lockdown. Things kicked off with us properly in September.

He's always been very serious about us. My kids. He said he wants us to be together years. We are happy and close.

I always figured he would rent somewhere else in town when that was up and we would continue to meet up and spend time together. Then I hoped if we worked out eventually we would decide whether to live together etc. But it feels like his dreams don't factor in my responsibilities as a parent.

I understand it. He wants a bungalow and just to get out this Town and live somewhere more peaceful. Which again I thought that would be something we would do together if we worked out long term.

I have just messaged and said I totally can see why you want to move out of town but I am not sure how that would work for me and you? He will call me I think soon anyway.

I'm just abit disappointed as it's like he hasn't factored me into the plan. I was picturing us going to eachothers houses and stuff. I guess if that's what he wants then we need to break it off now as it would be so difficult to see him due to his work and me not driving.

I think after seeing each other for only 6 months, it would actually be a bit intense to then move house in an area to be closer to you. If you were in a long term relationship and ready to move in together and he then said he wanted to move somewhere further away by himself then I'd be upset but this early into a relationship I don't think he's done anything wrong

Has he met your children?

What sort of ages are they?

It’s still very early days and you haven’t seen each other recently. It’s been the strangest year ever, maybe he really feels the pull to move and live in different surroundings - half the country seems to feel the same way - it doesn’t mean he doesn’t see a future for you but maybe for him that’s living apart for the first while.

No he hasn't done anything wrong. I just don't see the point acting like theres a future there when his plans don't work for my life. He's absolutely allowed to move away. He already lives in this town so he would just be staying in the town I figured. But if he wants to leave and go quite a few miles away it wouldn't work longterm like he's been saying. Unless he never wants to live together if we work out but then he would be having to drive backwards and forwards to collect me and the kids. If it was local I could go to him and he could come to me.

If he was thinking about it all properly I figured he would rent somewhere here and see how we go like I say. Seems like he wants me but if he would never live here anymore then like I say we need to break it off because it would be harder the longer we leave it

He's met the kids for a walk that's all. As friends if you get me.

They are 3 and 6

How can he know he wants a life and a future with you when he’s only met your children on a walk? He hasn’t even seen them playing in their own home. He can’t know anything about them. He hasn’t seen you in mum mode, which is a major part of who you are.

I’d be less concerned about his moving plans and more about his enthusiasm for something he can’t remotely get his head around.

I’m a step mum, it’s a massive huge deal. My life will never be the same again. It’s been indescribably harder than having my own. And that’s without having them full time and we haven’t had any major problems. I wouldn’t have moved in with now DH if I hadn’t had a chance to really get to know his DC properly first and even then you don’t really have a clue until you’re knee deep in it.

I get that you were hoping you’d all have a chance to spend time together and bond with him living closer by before considering moving in together. What I’m trying to say is that he’s been mad to suggest he’s ready to commit to you, to your kids who he barely knows, to being a step dad longer term when it’s been 6 months, nearly two of which have been in lockdown, if you’re in the U.K.

How far is "out of town"? unless he's planning on moving 3 hours away, how is it a problem? I don't get it? What's wrong with driving to see eachother?

Did you say he's only moving 3 miles away? That's nothing.

Three miles is nothing.

Why are you saying he’d need to be the one driving back and forth to collect you and the kids though? Why wouldn’t the (very short) travel be shared between you?

Having said that, @AnneLovesGilbert is spot on: he has been for a walk with your kids twice (which tbf is appropriate for six months, well done for not trying to force an instant stepdad on them), that’s far too little contact for him to be talking about the future and being ‘committed to the kids’ as you say. I’d be seriously questioning his judgment and maturity if he’s actually said he’s very committed to you and the kids after six months and two walks with them!

How can he know he wants a life and a future with you when he’s only met your children on a walk? He hasn’t even seen them playing in their own home. He can’t know anything about them. He hasn’t seen you in mum mode, which is a major part of who you are.

I’d be less concerned about his moving plans and more about his enthusiasm for something he can’t remotely get his head around.

This. These conversations would be very soon and very intense at six months into any relationship let alone one during lockdown, with kids involved. Slow down. What's the rush re moving in and massive future plans? Can't you see how it goes for a while? Covid restrictions are going to be in place to some extent or another for months yet.