Shared custody - how does it work

[Dontwanttooutmyself]

If you and ex share custody, what arrangement do you have? e.g. alternative weekends and one night in the the week? Week on/week off? Have you made a true 50:50 share work for the kids, without making them feel like they're never settled?

Really curious to know what works and what doesn't.

(Trying to work out what could work with DH if we divorce - DC are both in primary school)

We do alternative weekend's, and in the school holidays ex husband takes them on a weeks holiday

True 50/50 here with DC at their dads week on week off. They’re fine with it (young primary age) - I find it hard having a week without them here, but I think that’s been exacerbated by lockdown. I can imagine enjoying the time more when I’m able to see friends/go to places etc. The DC themselves seem very happy with the arrangement (we are about 8 months into it) and we make sure they don’t have to cart lots of stuff between the houses. They have their own bedrooms and stuff at each house.

Is it what I would choose for me? Probably not as i would want them more. But I definitely think it’s the right thing for them to ensure they have a good strong relationship with their dad.

The best 50/50 shares I know tend to be three or four days on, followed by three or four days off and repeat.

We are in the process of separating and ex doesn’t want 50/50 which I am pleased about as he is quite irresponsible as a parent (imagine an adult sized 8 year old with a driving licence left in charge of the kids for half the time). He thinks he should have them every weekend but I have put my foot down and said no, not only do I not want to be the parent who does all the school week routine and never the fun stuff, but the kids would miss out on seeing their grandparents and cousins.
I have suggested either every Thursday and every other Friday and Saturday, or WednesdayThursday one week and Friday Saturday the next. He isn’t keen on doing school days though and I'm not sure the kids will be happy about it either as the rare occasions he has had to make packed lunches and take them to school have been a disaster.

Not 50:50 but the arrangement I have with ex works well. I have them 8/14 him 6/14
I have them Monday to Thursday each week when he picks them up after school. He then has them until Saturday morning if it's my weekend to have them, or Monday morning if it's his weekend.
It works well because the weekdays stay the same which helps as my son is autistic and struggles with change.

I have our DD, Sun Mon, Wed night and one night/day during the weekend. We found it preferable to share weekends, so that one night we could go out.

@BlueTimes

The best 50/50 shares I know tend to be three or four days on, followed by three or four days off and repeat.

That's what we have, with a two week block each in the summer.

We have a slightly complicated schedule that works for us:

Weeks one and three: I have ds2 Monday to Thursday evening, he goes to his dad's until Saturday am, then back to me for the rest of the weekend.

Weeks two and four : I have ds2 Monday to Thursday, then he goes to his dad's until Monday and comes home either after school (when that luxury is permitted!) or stays with XH at home until 5 pm ish.

If there's a fifth weekend in a month, we divvy it up however best suits the three of us (ds2 is 13).

Holidays we have exactly half each. Sometimes it's divided in bits, like Xmas, but summer holidays are 3 weeks together each.

We're very flexible - if one or other of us has a special family occasion, weekends can be swapped around, or divvied up, or whatever. It works well.

We're two years into a 50 50 arrangement. Now week on week off (change on a weds) at their request. Dc are nearly 7 and 9 and it doesn't seem to bother them to have two homes - we have a big box where they transfer special toys between houses. Obviously they'd rather not have to spend time away from the other parent, but this is as good as it can be for now I think. Exh and I live within 10mins of each other and the dc stayed at the same school.

Week on/week off. It’s great. I do think you have to have a decent relationship with your ex for it to work though - because you’ll need to talk a lot about what’s coming up in the next week, and do frequent handovers- that would be very fraught if you don’t get on.

You also I think need to be capable of being financially independent of each other. We didn’t have any financial settlement or maintenance or child support or anything like that to agree - just sold house and split profits 50/50 and that was it. (Though we are having a bit of an argument about a fondue set that was a joint present 10 years ago: ex keeps on trying to nick it.)

I think that’s a good way to be - no arguments about money means less bitterness and emotional dependency.

Also this arrangement has enabled me to progress my career (working harder in the weeks I don’t have them), to have a social life and pursue other interests.

You’ll need to be able to fund some duplicate items - school shoes and sports kits spring to mind, possibly musical instruments - so there’s one at each house and kids don’t have to be always packing up.

Incidentally, the two other mothers I know who have a similar arrangement also have friendly relations with their exes. I think a 50/50 residency split is good for that. A positive result all round. Strongly recommend.

We have 6/14 and 6/14 & that works really well for us. Handovers are every Wed. If they've had a weekend with me, then they are with their dad from Wed (when he usually picks up from school) to Monday (when he drops off at school).

So, every other Wed goes on till Monday, and the alternative one is just overnight.

It works really well for us and as someone mentioned above, means I've had time (when they're at their dad's) to build up my business and build a better life for us (plus, have my own life too).

50:50 here. I have them weds to Saturday one week, weds to sun the next. Changeover is after school on the weds and 12 at weekends. Works well for us

montespan I totally agree that 50/50 works absolutely brilliantly as long as there is an amicable relationship. My ex and I have put a lot of effort in to maintain civility and to put DC first, however I recognise that it’s rarely easy especially if the ex is an ex because they’re a dick. I also strongly agree that a financial imbalance would make it really hard too, I’m lucky that in the marriage we both earned the same and that was enough for each of us to be able to be independent of one another, so no maintenance etc just a clean break.

We do the "2:2:5:5" arrangement. It's a 50/50 split.

Works very well if both parents live fairly near each other. Also good for younger children who might struggle with not seeing either parent for a full week.

Two nights (Monday - Tuesday) always spent with parent 1.
Two nights (Wednesday - Thursday) always spent with parent 2.
Remaning 3 nights (Friday - Saturday - Sunday) spent with parent 1 one week, the next week with parent 2, etc.

It means the weekday schedule is very static, makes planning easy (each parent has guaranteed days in the week where they have the child). Children don't go a full week without seeing either parent. And every other week, each parent gets a longer block of 5 days with the child(ren).

My son gets dropped off at 6.30 am when my ex goes to work, I get him ready and take him to school. I work then after collect him from school if after school club depending on the day, I give son his tea and ex collects at 7 or 7.30. My son barely needs sleep which is why he sleeps at my ex's, I'm asleep before ten but my ex doesn't need much sleep, so they are usually awake another hour or so.

50/50 here- from when kids were 8 and 10- we did birdsnesting for the first year and a half so we did all the moving and then went to 2 separate family homes with the kids moving. Exh always has them Monday and Tuesday nights, I always have them Wednesday and Thursday nights then we alternate one of us having them Friday night snd the other having them Saturday snd Sunday nights. I have talked to them about whether they would prefer to go to alternating whole weekends with each parent rather than split to reduce amount of moving but they prefer this way as they like seeing us both. They have enough stuff at both houses that they don't need to pack each time they move. Holidays we negotiate some longer chunks with each. Christmas Day we spend all together.
Should add that we intentionally live only a 10 minute walk from each other which makes the movement way easier to manage.

We have 50/50. We both found it much easier with our jobs and for sorting childcare to have set weekdays on which we had the children.

So, same as a PP we do 2255. I have them every Monday and Tuesday, dad has them every Wednesday and Thursday, then the weekends (Friday Saturday Sunday) are alternated. In the summer holidays we have a 2 week block each.

The children seem quite happy with this - they easily know who they are with during the week as it stays the same.

We have 50:50 and do as follows:
Parent 1- Monday & Tuesday
Parent 2- Wednesday & Thursday
Weekends alternate between us. We've been doing this for years and find it works for children to have consistent mum/dad days in the week and is easier for us to arrange out of school childcare that way too.
School holidays we tend to do a week on/week off in the longer holidays and summer. Also for lockdown we've been doing week on/off too as find that works better for us with work schedules and to minimise germ spreading. It wouldn't be my first choice and a long term plan though as I think a week is too long to be apart for either parent

We have DSS every Wednesday night ( collect from school and drop back the next morning) and every other weekend Friday evening untill Monday morning during term. Holidays are split 50 50.
Works for him. I think dads house needs to feel like a home for it to work. So he has full sets of clothes here, his own room, toys and books.

Just to add, when we first split we did have the 2255 arrangement a few people have mentioned as it felt too long for my youngest especially (then 5)to be apart a whole week. It was actually her who requested more time at each home so we moved to week on week off about 9 months ago and they seem happy with it.

The most important thing is to be able to be flexible according to the children's changing needs as they grow up I think. And yes, it certainly helps to be amicable to facilitate this.

See used to do every other weekend and 1 night a week but when covid hit and lockdowns we loved to a 50:50 arrangement Friday afternoon - Friday morning at each house. I wasn’t overjoyed about it at first but it’s worked quiet well and especially at the moment it’s more settled and less moving around.

Our Shared DS did say last week he misses being at home as much and misses his younger when he’s at his dads but in general he’s happy. I said we can see how things are when the world is a bit more normal again (his dad travels internationally for work so 50:50
Wouldn’t work as well)