this is very long but i need some help and advice please I am going through a break up at the moment where my boyfriend of nearly a year left me...let me start at the beginning. We started talking this time last year and spoke everyday through first lockdown, then in April we started meeting up for walks, as soon as we met up we connected straight away, we were basically 'together' from that day on. After a few months of seeing each other and doing fun things like going to the beach and going on nice walks we started staying round each others houses, the first time I stayed at his house he told me he loved me, a week later he stayed at mine and met my family and asked me to be his girlfriend. We were so in love. He had bad anxiety when we first met and i helped him through it, i encouraged him to come out, i was there for him when he would tell me he felt rubbish, i loved him regardless, he said if it wasn't for me coming in his life he would be in a bad place. A few months went on and pubs etc started to open up so we started going on dates, it was great we had so much fun, his friends loved me and so did his family. He goes to uni about 3 hours away from me, but it didn't phase us because we both drive and would see each other every other weekend alternating journeys, i liked staying in his uni house too because was like a little holiday for me! His birthday came around and i booked us a spa weekend and got him some nice gifts all as a surprise, he was so grateful and i could tell how in love with me he was. Then we went into second lockdown, he was at uni so i couldn't visit him, he started talking to me less and obviously i got worried that he was loosing feelings for me, we started to bicker over silly things. I went to visit him and we didn't get on...he didn't even want to do anything, he would have happily sat in bed all day watching tv but that is not my idea of fun. As time went on when he came back home etc he stopped asking me to do things with him, at this point we had only been officially together for 4 months, i would say 'shall we go for a meal saturday' and he would say 'i don't know yet' and thats because he didn't know what his friends were doing...this started to become a regular thing. Anyway this proved a problem as we never done anything, like i say i got worried it was because he wasn't into me anymore, but i think he was just comfortable. When i would be at his house (he lives with his parents) it became the norm for me to get my own drinks and food, not him doing it for me, i felt awkward doing this as it isn't my house, sometimes when i would ask for a drink he would tell me to get it myself. He went back to uni and we started bickering again because it would always be me calling him, never him calling me, and when i brought this up with him he just got annoyed...one evening we had a stupid argument about a music festival he said we could go together, but when he was talking about it on the phone to me he was just talking about going with his friends, so obviously i said i thought i was coming then that resulted in arguing about me thinking he does not want to do things with me anymore. He broke up with me the next day over text saying it's too much stress for him, all i wanted was reassurance. 5 days went by and he called me asking to try again, i said yes but i wanted to take it slow, go on a date when hes back for christmas and not stay round eachothers straight away, he just thought that was stupid. A few weeks later he came home for christmas and we saw eachother straight away, like nothing had happened, we went out ONCE for a meal i arranged when he was back, most weekends he went out with his friends, he would never cheat or anything i was never worried about that he just had FOMO when it came to his friends...when ever i had a weekend i wanted to spend it with him. He came to my family's for christmas and it was lovely we had a great time. Then we went into third lockdown and i struggle, i work from home by myself, i had a period for 4 weeks due to contraception and it made me fed up...so yes i was miserable sometimes when i would see him, but isn't that understandable? The last 2 weeks before he went back to uni were hard for us because we kept clashing over stupid stuff, i think its because we both were having trouble with lockdown, anyway the day before he went back we had a conversation about our relationship and he said 'i don't want to break up because i love you so much and i think it will sort its self out' i agreed and we had a lovely last night together. The next morning he went back to uni, he looked at me and said 'im going to miss you so much' we had a big hug and a kiss and said goodbye and he left. That evening i tried to facetime him and he wouldn't pick up, so i said can we facetime and he said he couldn't because he was drinking with his house mates, he ignored my messages as the night went on but...he started posting things on snapchat of him at a party that he didn't tell me about and he wasn't replying to me, i don't expect him to tell me everything hes doing, but when he goes to a party and doesn't tell me i feel like hes hiding something? The next day came around and i tried to call him in the morning, he didn't pick up and said he didn't want to call because he was hungover, i then worried someone else was there because he ALWAYS used to pick up at the start of our relationship, he started getting annoyed at me for saying i was upset he didn't give me the time of day yesterday, i apologised i was being needy but explained i was anxious as he went to a party. He then turned around and said 'this is too stressful, we don't get on' and broke up with me A DAY AFTER BEING WITH ME AND SAYING HE LOVED ME AND WILL MISS ME. He always gives up on me. I then started apologising for my moods and apologising for struggling with my mental health, which i know i shouldn't have done but i didn't want to lose him. When we did break up he showed no emotion whilst i was crying on the phone, he kept saying 'best thing for NOW', there was no 'i can't do this anymore, we need to move on' or anything, just best decision for now. He also said things like 'i lovED you so much' and that i had 'changed', i tried to make him see the circumstances like lockdown and my hormones and being by myself but he couldn't understand, maybe because he is at uni still having fun with his friends? I messaged him in the evening saying how i felt, a long message pouring my heart out to him and yet he still showed no emotion just 'best for now, i will have a good think about things' he also said he would probably consider being with me again after i asked, but he still showed no emotion to me or said he loves me. The next day i messaged him in the morning saying i missed him already, his reply was 'this is hard for me too, still vest for now' i kept suggesting things we could do to work it out, like me saying ill get counselling and give him space but he still said nothing, i kept saying i was grateful for the times we had and he just would say 'thankyou, i appreciate it' making me feel so small, he made me feel like everything was my fault because im struggling, i helped him when he was struggling and now it's me he's pushed me aside. My heart was in shatters, its only been 2 weeks since we broke up but we still haven't spoken, i am not going to contact him anymore. He is acting fine whilst im here grieving, he posted a selfie on instagram and his uni friend wrote a comment about spatial decision making which is obviously about me because when we spoke the day after we broke up he said he wants space and its the best decision. Just over a week went by and he posted a picture on snapchat of him at another party posing with a girl, nothing to make me think he is getting with her, but the fact he then unfollowed my private Instagram off his private and removed me from his...but hes kept our pictures on there as he has kept my friends on there and they can see! If it's because he doesn't want to see what im doing then fair enough but i post on my other main account and snapchat way more than that, and he's kept me on there. He deleted our pictures on his main Instagram straight away after we broke up, and it hurt. He is acting like losing me is the best thing that has happened to him. It hurts because i loved him so much, he hasn't even asked me if im okay. His mum has messaged me a few times asking me if im okay, she has told me he hasn't spoken to her about it still. His friends didn't even know as the day after it happened i asked his bestfriend if he had said anythinig and he was shocked because he said 'he loved you so much ive never seen him like that with anyone before, wtf!!'. I dropped his clothes back to his mums last saturday and she tried to invite me in, i said no and we just chatted for a bit outside, i got emotional and she gave me a hug...i didn't tell her too much because he hasn't said anything and i want to respect him. She kept saying his life at uni is so separate by saying she doesn't know his life when he is away, why get into a relationship if you want them to be separate? It has got easier for me, but i still hurt, i want him so bad and he seems like he is fine. I am scared we will never talk again, i fel like he won't ever message me again. I can't stop blaming myself for us breaking up, i keep thinking i wish i wasn't struggling. I am trying the no contact rule...we haven't spoke for 2 weeks now since the break up, but he keeps doing things im seeing that is making me think he really doesn't care about me anymore. Some of my friends are saying when he comes home thats when it will hit him, i am not waiting around for him, it just hurts at the moment.
Sorry this is so long!