How can I stop these narcissistic controlling attempts from my mother once my baby is born?

[reservoircats]

So as not to drip-feed the relationship between my mother and I has not always been great, she has many narcissist traits and we have very different opinions on money etc. I live over an hour away from her with my husband, have seen her a few times over lockdown (she is on her own and in her late 60s).

I’m almost in my third trimester of my first pregnancy, and there have been multiple times when she has said things that are trying to control my behaviour. It started off in a sort of guiding innocent way, for example “keep eating to keep your strength up” and “don’t buy any maternity clothes as you’ll never wear them again” etc but more recently has transcended into “make sure you eat all the time even if you’re not hungry, don’t post any photos of yourself pregnant on social media, make sure you don’t share the scan online, you’re not buying anything for the baby yet are you.”

I’ve started reducing the level of information I’m giving her and this helps give me some distance from those comments- I’ll admit that I am finding this hard though as I don’t really have anyone else to speak to about how my pregnancy is going. I’m worried that I need to set some boundaries now otherwise this will continue into her controlling my parenting? Has anyone else experienced this and can help me? Is there a blanket phrase that I can use when she says these things that can give me space?

I know where you're coming from-my late DFIL was the father figure who loved me for who I was and NOT an extension of himself. He has narcissistic tendencies and undiagnosed borderline personality. I moved myself physically away and kept a lot of my life undisclosed for him. Best of luck,OP.

I'm referring to my biological father

@reservoircats - you sound eminently sane and sensible to me. Ignore those who don’t understand the nuance of complex relationships with parents. I phoned my mother hours after DD was born and her first comment was a negative one about the name I chose. It still stings 25 years later. Some parents can’t navigate their own children’s pregnancies and I found that I revisited the ways she had behaved when I was a child once I saw my children growing up. She can’t acknowledge these as they challenge her own narrative.

@Musmerian it's funny that you say that as I abs

[quote Musmerian]@reservoircats - you sound eminently sane and sensible to me. Ignore those who don’t understand the nuance of complex relationships with parents. I phoned my mother hours after DD was born and her first comment was a negative one about the name I chose. It still stings 25 years later. Some parents can’t navigate their own children’s pregnancies and I found that I revisited the ways she had behaved when I was a child once I saw my children growing up. She can’t acknowledge these as they challenge her own narrative.[/quote]
Sorry didn't finish typing....
I was trying to say it's funny that you say that as I am absolutely dreading telling her what we plan to name the baby. I know that she won't be able to hold back her opinion. I haven't had any in-depth conversations about that with her (to prove how narcissistic she is she actually suggested using her own name as a name for my child before we knew the sex) as i just can't be bothered to deal with the consequence of her disliking the name and us still choosing it.

I get you OP, my mum was the same and 20 years after my first born I managed to escape and go no contact. Everyone thinks I'm OTT as she's lovely and kind, but they don't see the sly manipulation that goes on behind the scenes. My mum reported me to social services when I was pregnant as she was concerned about my decision making and impulsiveness with regards to the baby as I'm autistic. The real reason behind what sounded like concern was that I wouldn't use the name she wanted and inisted on picking my own.

Relationships with parents are so complex. My mother would say things that on the face of it were caring but I was just there to reflect back at her what she wanted to see and I would be called out for not being that image. There's a burning resentment when you realise you've never truly been seen by a parent. When I met my partner I was so shocked that a parent could be so loving and welcoming and take me for who I was and wanted my opinion because it mattered to them. I felt valued.

I learnt to be non-committal and kind of swerve the questions. It still hurt putting up all these walls but it hurt a lot less. You have deepest sympathy for how difficult things are for you right now. I wish I had better advice for you.

When people say 'narcissistic traits' I often wonder why they dont flat out say 'is a narcissist'. Are you not sure? In denial, perhaps because no one wants to think it of a parent?

Either way, someone is a narcissist or they aren't.
And you do not 'set boundaries' for a narcissist. Narcissists bulldoze boundaries. You might as well wave a red flag at a bull.

Set boundaries for yourself and how you allow yourself to be treated by others. If someone is a narcissist...emove them from your life. Completely. No exceptions. If she is however, just a little bit ott sometimes then creating a little distance or even, flat out telling her to sort her shit out, might be enough. But you have to determine if she is pathological normal or not first. Narcissists should never be in your life in any capacity, let alone around children.

Honestly in your first post I dont see the problem with her. But obviously there is more too it or you wouldn't be talking about narcissism.

@Colourmeclear this is so true. I was also so shocked that a family could be so normal and parents could be so interested in their children's lives.
It does hurt putting walls up, it really does.

*remove them
*pathological/normal

Hi @Wanderlusto. In my first post I tried not to be so outing as to give specific examples of her behaviour. Maybe I should have given more information but I didn't want to be too outing. She is one hundred percent a narcissist and has never respected any boundary any family member has given her, ever. The only family member that has successfully gone NC has quite frankly disappeared off the face of the earth and has gone NC with all family because she uses other family members to bulldoze her way through LC. My sibling who has had years of therapy has said many time to me that their therapist identifies our mother has a narc, so that gives me enough pretence to refer to her as one.

Right, so you know what she is then. That's a good start.

Speaking as someone who had a grandmother who was one - get yourself out of this before the kid is born. Never ever let her near your little one.

I cant guarantee it'll be the same as what I experienced but...narcissists love to play eachother off against eachother. And kids are prime targets. I wish to goodness my mum had had the courage to get away from her.

Tbf she stayed with us on holidays so there was a lot of contact. But I can still remember specific events that traumatised me that took mere seconds.

Your family member that cut contact with everyone had the right idea. Take a leaf out of their book! For your kids sake. Even if it takes you a few tries. You deserve people in your life who love you and treat you with kindness.

I too have a mother like this and it is very very hard to get away from. My dh was my absolute rock at this time, he helped me sees that what my mum said and did was absolutely not normal and that I wasnt going mad thinking that my and her relationship was not normal.
My mum was completely disinterested when I was pregnant, however once the baby was here she suddenly piled in with lots of advice, a lot of which was out of date. Didn't like the way I dressed him, spoke to him, dealt with him etc etc. I dealt with it by listening to her and then doing what I wanted anyway. She lost the plot with me a few times because I didn't do what she told me.

One thing that having a child did do was crystallize how fucked up our relationship was. I could not and can not understand how she treated me as a child and still does as an adult. I just cannot get my head round how you can give birth to another person and then treat them like shit. I get round it by ignoring what I can and keeping our relationship very superficial.

'No need for you to worry about that'

'I'll be deciding on all that later, thanks'

'I've not made a decision on that yet.'

'That's for me to think about, thanks'

'So many orders, and not a single question! Would you like to know how the scan went/about the baby, or are you only interested in bossing me around?'

...the last being nuclear!

@Harpydragon I have said to my sibling so many times that I don't understand why she had children and she is obviously incapable of love.
My husband helps me see her behaviour as not normal, which is always a good wake up call for me.

@YoniAndGuy I'm screenshotting those, thank you.
Wouldn't risk the last one as she would take it as a chance to make me feel guilty, if only I had the balls.

@YoniAndGuy

'No need for you to worry about that'

'I'll be deciding on all that later, thanks'

'I've not made a decision on that yet.'

'That's for me to think about, thanks'

'So many orders, and not a single question! Would you like to know how the scan went/about the baby, or are you only interested in bossing me around?'

...the last being nuclear!

Love the first one especially! Even more effective if you can frame it with some concern: oh mum, you seem really worried about that/me/this, it’s all in hand don’t worry!’ and a subject change. They’re all good though. And the last, a slightly less nuclear version would be a bit of a chuckle and a ‘Oh mum, so many opinions! Anyway, the scan went well...’ Or some other subject change.

The diet of less information op..
Don't tell her what you plan to call the baby.
You tell her her the name post birth. It isn't up for discussion so don't let it become one. Tell her facts not your plans.

After 10 years nc I had a (legal) reason to make contact with dm. I had had more dc. She tried to use different names as she didn't approve of my choices. Went nc again soon after. Never again.

I don't think it's a question of a phrase but an approach. You need to change your approach to your mum to strengthen your sense of self & be lest invested in her opinion.

What is the point of your “relationship” with your DM?

What do you get from it?

It seems that the whole experience is waiting anxiously for the bomb to drop each and every time.

And it seems the only “solutions” are to be ready with rebuttals.

What an exhausting and emotionally negative way to live. Every time you call her your anxiety is spiked which means that you have adrenaline and cortisol flooding your body and that of unborn baby. What’s the point?

It’s v sad that you are still looking for comfort, support and encouragement from a full blown Narc. She is not capable - this pregnancy and baby will trigger her control and dominance traits to a new level and all you will continue to get is undermining, overbearing, spiteful emotionally charged interactions.

Why put your hand in this fire time and time again?

Why have this shadow and pollutant draining and staining your experience of motherhood?

You have a choice - you can choose to bathe your new little family in the radiance of kind, respectful, loving people who cherish and value you all ..... or you can expose your family to toxic people whose negativity will be absorbed and hurt your family.

Did the family member who took themselves away do this when they had children? It’s interesting that to you say you are the youngest and are treated like a child. Are you complicit in this role - are you immobilised by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)?

I have no problem telling Narcs to sling their hook ..... what’s the worst they can do ? Throw a toddler tantrum, shout and scream, cry, flounce ? .... just weather it and laugh at their inability to self regulate - don’t let their threat of volatility dictate your life.

Your gut is warning you that she is just getting started to be intrusive, controlling, and domineering of YOUR little family.

Don’t let her rob you of your joy or any precious moments.