How has cheating affected you?

[Worakls]

I had a very embarrassing valentine's Day and I'm trying to work out how messed up I really am 🥴.
Background - was with my ex from age of 19-35. During that time he had 3 affairs that I know of, used to send highly inappropriate messages to women and did online video sex calling stuff too. I discovered first affair in 2013 when I discovered emails to another woman, one of which outlined in graphic detail how much he enjoyed going down on her... Somehow after 6 months of counselling I concluded that I was partly at fault for not making him feel wanted enough...
October 2019 discovered messages on Twitter saying how he'd fallen for someone a couple of years back and then messaging this woman about all his sexual preferences and saying although he enjoyed sex with me he just needed more excitement.
Needless to say, we're getting divorced 🤣.
I've been having counselling for about 6 months and I've been dating a really lovely and genuine guy for 6 months too. He's the kindest and most thoughtful guy I know...
Anyway for valentine's Day he got me some silly lingerie as a bit of a joke... I freaked out, started sobbing and asked him to take me home. I'm mortified at my reaction, we've spoken, he gets it and is so upset that he upset me...
But I've realised this is because of how ex made me feel, like me being me was never enough, never sexy enough. He used to buy me stuff and ask me to do stuff in the bedroom that made me uncomfortable but I did it as I was worried he'd cheat again..
So is this normal to be so affected and if so, how long until I can fully move on and stop being so damaged??

Firstly, I'd like to say how sorry I am that you had to deal with such a waste of space as a husband for so many years.

I'm not surprised with your reaction to the gift from your new partner. Your ex has clearly eroded your self-esteem and the way in which you view sex and intimacy.

I've been cheated on too in the most horrific way. This was over a decade ago and whilst it still hurts if I think about it, the pain has lessened. Like you, my ex made me feel I wasn't good enough or attractive enough. It's so hard to get past that.

HOWEVER, I do believe there is truth to the saying that time heals. It sounds like you have met a lovely new man who genuinely cares for you. Keep the lines of communication open and rebuild your confidence with him. All the best :-)

Op your story is so similar to mine, was with my ex from 19-30, a serial cheat will all the right excuses. Silly me!

What was the gap between the end of your marriage and your new relationship of you don't mind me asking?

For me what I struggle with is that my ex was a liar and a cheat, he would lie about so many different things, big and small. So I have trouble trusting. And if I'm honest, even though I am with a lovely man now, I know anyone has the capacity to cheat - but conversely, therapy has helped me see that someone cheating on me is not about me, or about me not being good enough. It's about them and their insecurities

"someone cheating on me is not about me, or about me not being good enough. It's about them and their insecurities"

^^ this in spades. It's so hard to believe when it happens to you though!

Thanks everyone. Reassuring to hear it's not just me, but also I'm sorry to hear others feel or have felt the same 😟.
@Cpl1586407 marriage had been over for about 10 months. New relationship wasn't remotely planned... Started spending time with my friend's brother in the summer and we just clicked really. Made it's all too soon?

I was cheated on four years ago. He denied as much as he could and made me feel like I was imagining things. I ended up getting out of there as soon as I could with my two children and one cat. I've been living on my own since then although I have met the most amazing and trustworthy man ever.

I have however been left with a lot of issues. I have anxiety, depression, social anxiety and I don't like people anymore as I think they all lie and cheat.

I could have written @Cpl1586407 post. I was with my ex from 14 - 36 he cheated and lied about it (still claims he is whiter than white and we have been divorced 8 years!!!) His latest relationship broke down because she discovered he had cheated on her throughout their entire 6 year relationship). Sadly it has left me totally unable to trust, my go-to reaction to anything and anybody is that they're trying to pull the wool over my eyes, not just cheating. I have suffered with GAD and obsessive thinking since I was a teenager, and due to this I can't even trust my own gut. Needless to say I live in torture inside my own head. I have been with my now fiance for 6 years, but my constant need to almost let him think I'm on to him (a misguided form of self protection) nearly ruined us a couple of years ago, and this bought it all to a head and I have had some more counselling based on the OCD side of things. I can honestly say his cheating ruined me. Please therefore get help for this early on. Sadly my ex has also caused our 18 year old to have terrible relationship anxiety as she worked out he was cheating on his girlfriend before she found out, she talked to him about it and he denied it to her but carried on acting in the same ways which gave it away, so now our daughter thinks that if her own dad can lie like that then any man can. It's terrible really

@Worakls I think it's not for me or anyone else to say if it's too soon. But I do think strong reactions like the one you had show that we haven't healed yet. And if this man is as lovely as you say he is, he'll be willing to give you some time. There's no rush.

to everyone who's been with men like this for so long! That's another thing I really struggle with. The fact that I stayed so long. When I finally left it felt like a weight had been lifted, but sometimes I really get mad at myself for wasting so many good years with such a shit guy. Something am still working on in therapy!

Does anyone else wish their ex could live in their shoes just for a day for them to realise the devastating damage they have caused? Honestly makes me so so angry that they can do destroy who we are and our sense of self and just drift off happy as anything.
My ex has the perfect lifestyle to suit him. Little bachelor pad, sees his kids EOW and all the parenting falls on me in every way. So he gets the single life and to be a dad sometimes, whereas I am falling apart here from stress, overwork and having all the pressure. It's so unfair

Please don't be hard on yourself. Being cheated on is extremely damaging and changes you forever. I think the primary way it changed me is that I will never trust another man ever again. And I really don't think there is any amount of time that would heal me to the point that I would feel otherwise in the future.

If you asked my ex, he would claim to be the one who was hard done by

My exh cheated on me - it was such a shock. He dumped me without a care after 14 yrs of marrriage. I had been with him since 17 and I was 35 then. It does change you forever it is very hard to trust and I would never trust anyone fully again. I’d never give up my job as need to maintain independence always. Im in a relationship now but we’ve had a few blips and have been a bit let down. I dont think anyone should blame themselves( as some do), if their partner or spouse cheats. They should be grown up enough to say if they are feeling unhappy not use it as an excuse to shag someone. I think it takes time to build up that ability to trust again. What doesnt help is the awful world of easy access to porn, dating apps etc.

After 2 decades my ex left for another woman - wasn't man enough to admit it at first but as always it all came out eventually.

Its definitely changed me and yes I'd love for him to live a day in my life to see the damage he did. Its been 4 years now but I don't think ill ever trust anyone again, do not want to live with anyone again, marry, merge lives again etc - basically I can't see me ever fully letting down my barriers again. I loved my ex and would never have guessed he'd have done what he did and trusted him wholeheartedly. I've just been left feeling like my happy life was a lie and I was never loved etc because how could you do that to someone you loved.

I was cheated on by my husband with my supposed best mate who was supposed to be supporting me but was actually manipulating and gas lighting to get what she wanted which was him.

I now have extreme trust issues and my therapist says ptsd thanks to it all. And highly medicated for anxiety n

@Worakls

Does anyone else wish their ex could live in their shoes just for a day for them to realise the devastating damage they have caused? Honestly makes me so so angry that they can do destroy who we are and our sense of self and just drift off happy as anything. My ex has the perfect lifestyle to suit him. Little bachelor pad, sees his kids EOW and all the parenting falls on me in every way. So he gets the single life and to be a dad sometimes, whereas I am falling apart here from stress, overwork and having all the pressure. It's so unfair

Absolutely!! I've been a single parent to my oldest DD for over a year now since my ex walked out on us for another woman. He sees youngest daughter who we co parent once a week and EOW. Oldest DD refuses to see her dad since he left and her mental health has been up and down. Everything is on me. It's sucks. Can't offer advice but yes - I wish he knew how much shit he left me in c

Wow @Sideorderofchips sorry to hear that. Same thing happened to my sister with her bff and her now exh. It's so brutal. I don't blame you for not trusting. I could have killed them both with my bare hands but my sis wouldn't let me!

It's fucking hard. It's a small island and everyone knows everyone. So everyone knows what happened. Even worse is the fact she is merrily going round telling people what an evil woman I was to my husband, that I was abusive, that I'm an awful mother because none of my kids want nothing to do with her, that I turned his family against her etc etc. But if I say anything to anyone it gets fed straight back to her and she's onto my ex who is now her boyfriend about how I'm so awful and sagging her off etc etc

So I have a grand total of 3 people I trust completely here now. Thankfully his sisters have told me I am their sister and are amazing and so supportive. I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for my family, now extended family and my kids.

My ex cheated on me for around 2 years, at least (with a few people but also with someone he is now in a long term relationship with, with kids). He didn't admit it when he broke up with me (finally!) but I found out through snooping. I wasn't heartbroken by it, our relationship had been in a mess for a long time and I really, really disliked him but had really low self esteem and couldn't let go of the idea that it would get better and I'd stop wanting to sandpaper my skin off when he touched me. It was almost a relief that I could see him as the shitty person I knew he was.

What really got me afterwards is that I knew, I knew he was cheating on me, I'd known nearly since the beginning and I went to huge lengths to prevent myself from facing it. He regularly didn't come home at night (had a job that meant that he'd be out late but this was more that he regularly wasn't there in the morning), I saw messages on Facebook from 'friends' of his that were immensely suspicious, a message from a friend taking the piss out of him for pulling multiple people in one night (I confronted him about that one, believed the big lie he told me and ended up feeling sorry for him) he got fit where previously he didn't really care and he was often a total prick to me. I literally pickled myself in denial and in just not thinking about it.

Obviously he was a lying scumbag who didn't use protection and should hopefully have caught gonorrhea at this point but I was mainly shocked at myself staying in an awful relationship where I was clearly being cheated on (as well as cock-lodged on), I think and hope it has made me into a person who is better at dealing at what's in front of her.

Tbh she will probably follow me here. She has done that before. I'm off most social media now because she won't leave me be and gets her friends to report back.

I don't want a relationship again. Ever.

my fiance ghosted me and i found out a few months later he'd gotten married. it was devastating. i don't really think i have ever gotten over it and it happened many, many years ago.

Was royally cheated on nearly 6 years ago. It affected me for 4 years. I was terrified of men and relationships. I am ok now, it still affects me in smaller ways. I have a boyfriend but my barriers are up which I know I have to work on to let him fully in.....but boy it is really scary being vulnerable again after the intense agony of being cheated on and left for them.

I've been cheated on in every relationship I've ever been in.

End result: I no longer believe in monogamy. I don't think it's a natural state for most humans and I feel much happier knowing that I don't have to worry about whether anyone I'm dating is knocking boots with anyone else. They can crack on, I can crack on, condoms always, job's a goodun.

Thank you for everyone who has commented but I'm also pretty sad to hear people are suffering such pain because of other people's selfishness. It's utterly disgusting that people can go through life hurting others so much and it just gets shrugged off. I honestly think it's a form of abuse especially when they do over and over again.