4month old DH not stepping up

[eastlondon82]

Two things I need opinion on, am I being unreasonable!

1. Our baby is four months old! DH was made redundant in the summer, we had a savings plan in place for the six months unpaid maternity I would be taking. He got a new job in October but we agreed he could start paying in in January! It's now February and he hasn't paid anything in! My parents lent him their car as he needs a car for his new job! He has 2k in savings that's he's going to use for a deposit on a new car once he's passed his probation. He spends around £10 every day on beer and cigarettes, despite me asking him to cut down! I'm shocked he hasn't even offered to put £100 in! He has now received an £800 tax bill and a £65 parking ticket! He is currently paying around £709 a month on debt! I've asked him time and time again to come up with a budget or a plan moving forward but he won't! I was at the end of my tether yesterday and I said you need to start acting like an adult! He then called me a patronising see you next Tuesday! He then said in a sarcastic way 'ok well I'll go and get a second job so you don't have to go back to work early.' I've already explained that he'll have to pay even more every month for his half of childcare! He seems to think maternity leave is a holiday for me! Rest assured with the money worries it really isn't and I've even started a side business to help raise some cash.

1. He wakes up at 6-6.30 for his job but is usually home by 4pm! He's always gone to bed really early, which I find very odd! But I actually am finding it annoying now we have a baby! He goes to bed at 8.30pm and more often than not leaves me downstairs with the baby! He did the same tonight but took the baby upstairs, however when she wouldn't settle he brought her downstairs and went back to sleep! Again I find this incredibly selfish and I got the red mist and let rip at him! He again told me to shut up (I understand I can be a pain in the arse but the lack of maturity and real support from my 41 year old partner is wearing thin)! I waited until 11.30 and took baby upstairs and fed her in the nursery! He then took himself downstairs and slept on the sofa! Once the baby was settle I went to the living room and told him if he was seriously going to sleep downstairs and leave me looking after the baby again! He told me to get away from him and he'd be there if I needed help with the baby! Not sure how if he's on a different floor! Am I expecting too much that he stays up a little later with me, our relationship is really struggling and I'd have thought spending some QT time without the baby would be better. I feel I have such low expectations and anything by I do expect is too much! I do have a very short temper (getting shorter by the moment) but he doesn't seem to realise that his lack of support is exacerbating it! Sorry for Ranty post, just at end of my tether and it's starting to really depress me! I feel like I'm a single parent living with a flat mate!

You have two children to take care of and carry the mental load for, not just one. Do you own or rent? Would you be better off financially on your own?

I own my own flat but we rent a house at the moment as it's bigger and more suitable space for the baby! I know he is feeling pressure with money/job etc but he doesn't seem to ever come to the table with solutions! I am so hot headed at the moment and I understand I must be a complete pain, but I'm at the end of my tether with frustration! We share half of the bills and if I didn't pay into the account each month he would not be able to afford the rent and bills on his own! In the heat of the moment I've even said do you know some women are supported by their partners throughout their maternity leave! I know it was mean to say but I feel like he think he's doing me a favour saving for my maternity leave (even though he's yet to put in).

@VimFuego101 thanks for taking the time to reply xxx

I feel like I'm a single parent living with a flat mate! - It sounds like it!

He sounds absolutely selfish. He has 2k in savings but hasn't paid a penny towards his child, is borrowing your parents car(!), is rolling in debt and doesn't help out with the DC.

Do you actually think he will change? (Not being snarky, obviously only you know what he's like).
I can't see him changing if he hasn't made any kind of effort so far.

@Notapheasantplucker he does help out with the baby! But on his terms if that makes sense! My parents car broke down so he had to pay £400 for that, which I would expect as they've lent him the car! He can do sweet things like make dinner, tea in bed and did a nice Valentine's surprise, but when it comes to the big, important things he's a lost cause! It's almost like I touch a nerve when I give him some home truths and I get more and more angry in the hope it will kick him up the arse but it never works xxxx thanks for your response xxx

£704 a month on debt! That has to be £10,000's a month. Where has that debt come from if he has no car, no house to show for it?

Are you currently renting your flat out? Could you move in with your parents for the remainder of your maternity and bank the rent you make to build up some savings for when you return for work, topped with CMS he'll need to pay you.

@LouHotel when you put it in black
And white (no car or house) it does sound very bad! He promised in October he'd look for other work and he hasn't! I said that he really let me down by not getting any extra work! But apparently I'm
Horrible and do you know how nasty it is to hear that from someone and he just says 'why are you with me if I don't do anything for you.'

Op how long are you together? It doesn't sound like yee known each other very well, he sounds like an absolute financial disaster..at 41 having nothing to his name and having to borrow a car? That is something I'd expect from a 19 year old not a 41 year old.

Plus he talks to you appalingly, will.you accept that when your child is older and hears daddy call mammy names?

Sounds like he knows he doesn't really do anything for you. If anything, he's just caused your more debt and burden.

What is all the debt from?

How is he saving for mat leave? Is he paying half the bills or are you paying them all? I’m confused, but does sound like he’s not contributing ether money or parenting, whcih makes you wonder why have them around.

I’d work out the option: If you and baby moved back to your flat could you get by financially without dp? (With some maintenance, minimum level by the sounds of it)

Thanks all for your replies! He pays half the rent, bills abs food at the moment! We were meant to be saving £500 a month each so I would be able to afford maternity leave for the next six months!! But so far it's just me that's contributed into this (I've worked out a new savings plan just for me to contribute as can no longer rely on him as so disheartened he hasn't even offered a token £100 here and there)! I've asked him to do so much and every time he doesn't do anything I get more and more wound up and then explode at him -
Tell him he's useless, he can't provide for family etc! Which probably provokes him to burst and call me names and do
Very little! I did try the sensitive,
Softly, softly approach in the beginning but that didn't work either! He just makes me feel bad for asking anything of him and just tells me 'he wants to be happy and can't live like this any longer.' Which I find ironic as he has it pretty easy! He goes to work without helping or even offering to help with the baby, comes home early and maybe spends an hour total looking after the baby and gets half his bills and food shop paid for!! Ahhh getting wound up just writing about it! It's my daughter I feel sorry for, I wish her dad wanted to provide for her instead I think he just comes from a family which says 'we had it tough when we brought up kids, so it's normal to struggle and for the woman to go back to work after three months.' Ahhh sorry rant over xxxx

I think you're right about the low standards. This is s really bad relationship. It isn't acceptable to most people to be called names for a start. There were things that you didn't like before you had a baby. I've never known anyone feel less annoyed by a partner's odd or irritating habits after a baby comes along; any problems in the compatibility only get worse afterwards.

I don't think he is any good for you at all. He is bad with money, prioritises alcohol and smoking, doesn't behave as though on a team but more like he's doing you a favour when he does the minimum, controls communication by stonewalling, putting you down or walking out.

You're better off alone and meeting a nice man one day.

You're looking after 2 children here, what do you get out of this relationship?

Tbh if my husband ever called me a cunt there'd be no way in hell I'd be begging him to stay, that lack of respect would end the relationship instantly for me.

@Jobsharenightmare thank you! I think you're right! I'm not a money grabber, have offered for us to sit down together to come
Up with a plan and would even give him half of everything I earn so we can have a semi decent life (we own the same but I have much less debt and get rent from
Flat) however he can't even do the smallest things (created a budget, but a cheaper crate of beer instead of more expensive individual beers to save money)! I can't say anything anymore as I'm shut down, rude, nasty, or have just made him feel so low (he'll pinpoint exact words I've said in arguments like pathetic, or grow up to make me feel like the worst person in how I speak to him) We
Need to see
A relationship councillor but the irony is we can't afford it! I feel under immense pressure and I can't see the wood for the trees! Anything I expect I'm
Made out to be spoilt or demanding

@QforCucumber I've told him I don't respect him anymore because of the way he talks to me and his lack of contribution! That went down like a lead balloon and he's just wallowed in that 'my partner doesn't even respect me, do you know what it does to someone when you tell them that.'

OMG when I read this I was so hoping you weren’t actually married, and you could just go home to your parents !
Gosh, what a lot to sort out. Was he like this, with this much debt, before you married/had baby ?

You know that if he’s always been like this he’s not going to change, don’t you ? Then you need to decide if this is a good enough life for you and your child.
And once the resentment kicks in it’s game over.
If I were you I’d be making a mental plan to leave in case you ever need to.

Going against the grain here but you sound quite feisty too & so some of the things he says seem to be answering you back. So it's not like he just suddenly walked up to you & shouted in your face. It's a response to being told he's useless & can't support you.

Unfortunately you may have to go back to work. I went back when DD was 4 and a half months as DH was in first year of teaching and we needed the money. It's life.

Also if he's out working all day he's not doing nothing?

I think if you are both working then you can split childcare when it's evening/weekend.

His debts seem to be the problem & while he has debts then an extended maternity leave is not feasible.

Honestly, he is a useless, immature waste of space. Relationship counselling isn't going to change that. He spends £300 a month on beer and fags alone yet doesn't provide a penny to your maternity fund where you are caring for his child. As you say, he will need to provide half of childcare costs soon.
He is driving your parents car and has large debts (but still hasn't reined in the beer and fags spending)
This relationship is doomed, he is not the man for you - you can do so much better.
Leave him, go back to your own flat and get your daughter away from this unhappy environment.

He is a headfuck and wont change.

I also agree that he's finding money for beer & fags so I don't know that he's a great catch. I also don't see him changing. So you may find that you're better off on your own back in your flat.

he's just wallowed in that 'my partner doesn't even respect me, do you know what it does to someone when you tell them that'.
This seems pretty selfish. It's all about him isn't it. Your response can be that he is mixing up your view of him with your view of his actions. Are you much younger than he is OP? I think you've managed to get hold of a flower child dossing around til the age of 41 and unluckily for you, you will have to point out the home truths. He might be able to take it, he might not.

How long have you been together? Did you know about his debt? And has he always spent so much on beer and cigarettes?

He doesn't sound at all committed to you and your DD, and I am shocked he is 41 !! He sounds like a teenager who can't accept responsibility. And why does he go to bed at 8.30pm ... it sadly sounds as though he is just opting out of family life.

You are in a strong position - go back to your flat, things might be tough financially for a while but you and your DD will be so much better off in the long term. Do you want your DD growing up with a man who calls her mother a c*?

Imagine if this was your DD's relationship in the future? How would you feel?