What exactly is he trying to achieve here?

[shiftypotato]

Recently, dh and I have been having date nights where we would have a nice meal and maybe watch a good film together (all at home don't worry) in the evenings. This was his suggestion and I love that we're doing this but it's definitely not something I'm making him do.

On the day of our date night, he'd send me a nice message saying 'don't forget it's date night' and we'd spend the day sending each other flirtatious messages and whatnot (we both wfh on different ends of the house).

When evening comes though, he just seems disinterested? We'd be having our food and he'd take out his phone and start texting people, we could be cuddling on the sofa and suddenly he'd cut our conversation short and we'd be in a zoom call with mutual friends (usually following a spontaneous invite from said friends to play Jackbox games which are something like the online version of party games)!

I asked him about it and he says it's no big deal or a jokey 'you jealous?' and that would be it. Why go through all the trouble to have a dedicated night if he doesn't want to actually spend time with me? Does anyone else think it's ridiculous?

Don’t let him fob you off with a jokey reply.

“I’m really enjoying our date nights and having dedicated time to spend together. The build up is part of the fun but I’ve noticed that when/after we’re eating you seem to get distracted by friends/games etc and it makes the date nights feel like every other night. The point is to spend time together, not staring at our phones or catching up with people which we could do every other night. It’s hurtful that after I’ve looked forward to time with you you seem more interested in doing other things. If you want to stop date nights I’d rather know than feel like this”. Or something along those lines.

Have no phones on this nights? Do them less often so they’re more special? Plan specific nights to catch up with friends?

Do you think he’s putting off having sex?

The whole thing doesn't make sense to me and I've tried but can't seem to get an answer out of him. I've turned down date nights before because I was busy or tired and he'd say things like 'oh you don't want to spend time with me' while looking sad so I'd cave!!

Sex is another bit that puzzles me but also brushed off as 'no big deal'. We have a somewhat healthy sex life (usually 2/3 times a week and both seem to be happy with it as we both initiate equally) but recently, a little more than half the time we do it he just doesn't want to cum.. He would always do something that he KNOWS will push me off the edge and then he'd stop or we'd be having sex and then he'll stop and switch to oral. When I try to reciprocate he likes to say no, not today or something along those lines and once I caught him getting himself off in the bathroom afterwards..

Rename the date nights.
So film night or games night. Always use these names unless he reassures you that it really will be a date night.

Can't answer for not wanting to cum other than the obvious, presume he has no worries about getting you pregnant and presume he has no difficulty actually cumming? Sounds like you need need a conversation about that.

Lockdown is getting to him and he’s trying to take control of his life but in a really fucked up way.

It sound passive- aggressive to me. He’s doing what you want except he’s not really is he? Acting giving and caring but no genuine follow through. Like giving a gift with one hand and taking it back with the other.

I am surprised you haven’t had more replies to this. It’s an interesting problem of mixed messages.

No. There's something badly wrong here. He's doing a narcissistic controlling thing, making you expect/want sex on a particular day and then not being willing to take part. Repeatedly. It will mess with your head, make you feel unattractive, you'll be angry and then he can blame you for any problems in the relationship.

Bathroom tio finish off is nit good. You have to flat out ask him and don't let him fob you off. Something isn't right

Well he doesn't sound engaged with 'date night' to me. I personally find them quite a contrived thing but each to their own.
I think you definitely need a 'no phones' rule and see if that helps.

As for the sex thing, maybe he's just not feeling it at the moment. As a PP said, is he concerned re contraception?

Could be any number of things OP. I experienced similar so thought I'd share. Not saying it is this though so be careful.
DH went through a period of sending me flirty/suggestive messages when we were apart. We'd been married ages so thought it a bit odd but liked it. He seemed into me and his messages would include references to things to do later, after work. But his behaviour when we were together at home didn't support the tone of the messages. He was not at all flirty with me, sometimes looked at my face almost with disgust even (I'm not ugly tho!).
Later on I found out he'd been messaging another woman during this time.
Not saying he was mistakenly sending messages to me that were meant for her. I think it was more like was addicted to messaging in that style and would take it up with me when she wasn't messaging him at that moment.
I think it's far too easy to get carried away on messaging apps and so it's a very common phenomenon. Hope you get it sorted whatever is causing his behaviour x

Completely agree with Hailtomyteeth.
I also think that he has gone off sex with you. You seem to think it’s good, but maybe he doesn’t.
Date night = Sex night.
Sex = You need to dress up use toys and act like a porn star. Anything less isn’t getting him off.
If that is the case, then sadly you may have a rocky road ahead. Best of luck OP

Sounds like he's playing mind games with you. Start saying no to the date nights and sex. Tell him that there's little point as he doesn't follow through with either! Obviously try and say it less bluntly than that, but that's what is boils down to. Is he under pressure of any kind? Are you an enthusiastic and willing partner to the dates/sex? It sound like he's paying lip service to your relationship but actions speak louder than words, sorry for cliche.

this is your husband, you just need to talk to him rather than us on MN. Explain it all to him and talk it through. you need talk to him about his behaviour and explain how it make you feel and decide what you both want to do

This sounds weird it’s like he’s going for a power play with regards to date night and sex. I wonder if he has been reading some PUA style things about how to ‘take control’ of women and sex because this sort of thing has a very similar vibe.

Wtf is the finishing himself off in the bathroom all about? What reason did he give?

I can't imagine a man purposefully choosing not to cum during sex, or to turn down oral sex in order to play games or the like.

It seems more likely that he's struggling for whatever reason. The messages in the day are perhaps him trying to rev himself up. Finishing in the bathroom means he wanted to cum but couldn't.

This is the weirdest thread I've tried to answer... in that I literally have no plausible explanation...

Could the wanking after be over-exposure to porn? You know... he's watched too much so its desensitised him and he's having to finish himself off?

Maybe he doesn't want to get you pregnant? 🤔

I think I'd be a bit insulted about the walking after sex 🤔

Have no idea about the date nights... it sounds like he's playing mind games but why? Maybe he wants you to react a certain way and you're not giving him the reaction he wants?

Man, what weird behaviour 😳

Porn. Death grip. Vag doesn't do it any more.

It's like a friggin disease with them.

@SilverRoe. I thought PUA, too.

Death grip 🤣🤣not heard of that before @NotSeenBulling

Is he still hard when he doesn't want to come?

Only asking because occasionally my dp will lose his erection (too much drink, age etc, it happens sometimes, though not often) but when that happens he'll essentially concentrate on me and make sure I am ok so to speak. He doesn't then go and wank in the bathroom though.
So could it be he feels he is losing his erection and so switches to oral in the hope you won't notice?