Projection by the bully.

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

I am in a pretty low place at the moment. I still live with EXp and our child. I have disengaged and stay away as much as possible.

He will corner me on occasions and try to argue with me about how wrong I have been and he has done none of the things I accused him of.

But what has been going over in my head is, why would he stand there and look me in the eye and say that I am and have always been the bully.
Ignoring him is bullying, accusing him of cheating is bullying etc.
How can a person that has caused so much upset play the victim?
How can they put on such a poor me, I'm such a nice guy persona? And say it with such conviction!

So now I'm the bully and I've abandoned him.

I feel like I'm stuck here forever with him pretending to be an amazing person and amazing dad. Like all the horrible things he said to his child never happened.

What is he playing at?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm particularly interested in what your thoughts are, I'm totally overwhelmed and have frozen again.

I've spoken to Women's Aid.

What did WA advise you?. You simply cannot remain with your child under the same roof as your abuser. Your child will also pick up on all this as well, that young person cannot afford to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women.

Your abuser is now using DARVO against you here.

DARVO is an acronym used to describe a common strategy of abusers: deny the abuse, then attack the victim for attempting to make them accountable for their offense, thereby reversing victim and offender. When they do the Reverse Victim and Offender, the conversation shifts from the accuser’s needs back to the offender’s alleged right to not be falsely accused. You must understand that people who DARVO also do it when properly accused. DARVO is a confirmation of guilt in one who refuses to be held accountable.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for replying.

Women's aid advised me to contact Rights of women, they just don't answer the phone.
I rang a local women's project who are linking some solicitors via email but I'm still waiting, I need to ring them back.

When he is on his best behaviour and being helpful and nice it's difficult to not question myself and blame myself.
Am I going to hurt my child? Because he constantly wants daddy, will he blame me and hate me?

I've not heard of DARVO.
His words are so convincing even though I know what I saw and clearly remember all the bad stuff.

He says I will ruin DCs life if I break up the family.

My head feels like it will explode.

You really do need to get out. Do you have nowhere at all you can go?

There's no point negotiating or defending yourself because you aren't in a discussion with him. He won't listen to reason. Just ignore and get out urgently.

@Doyoumind he gets me in these situations where he gets me in defensive mode.
It's really hard to not get sucked in by it.

I have nowhere to go, he does but refuses.
I'm also shielding so it is safer here for me for now.
I'm getting legal advice about the house because it will prevent me getting UC.

He just makes me question myself and makes me feel guilty for breaking the family up. Our son is all about daddy and he's right, it will ruin his life!

I know exactly the situation you are in as I've been there myself. He's baiting you and setting you up so he can criticise you when you react.

You aren't ruining your DS's life. You're removing him from a toxic environment.

I have also been there. My ex has absolutely convinced himself (and those around him) that I was a crazy nutter, even though he was a serial adulterer, including having an affair with my best mate. It's a kind of widespread gaslighting. Once I stepped out of it, I was properly stunned at how things had been, and how I was sucked into the bullshit.

Who owns the house or is it rented? If so, whose name is on the tenancy?

It is toxic and I hate the atmosphere.

He was msging girls online and condoms went missing under my nose, so whilst I don't have proof of cheating I have seen the evidence.
I have been called thick, a fantasist and crazy, but I know the sneaking I witnessed. He's absolutely adamant that he was innocent. But I decided enough was enough and I ended it, but since have become ill, so can't move out until I'm better.

We joint own a house, there is too much equity to be able to claim UC. I can't buy him out as earn a pittance.