Is this salvageable?

chliba · 2021-02-16T14:35:49+00:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years this year and unfortunately lockdown is getting to us, as I'm sure many couples can relate to. We are currently living apart due to work commitments and having a long distance relationship is tough. When we are together in person, things are brilliant and I truly believe I want to be with this guy because of the way he makes me feel etc, however when we are apart he can be pretty cold over text and it's left me wondering sometimes some key things about his character. We are going to be long distance for at least the next 6 months or so which is what worries me. The big thing I'm struggling with is following an argument, he will often leave me in the dark for days. We are currently in an argument over something small and petty, but as I am usually always the one to diffuse the situation, I refuse to this time. He hasn't spoken to me for 2 days now, at all and I can't carry on with childish behaviour like this. I'm all for having some space, but he could at least communicate that with me instead of leaving me feeling upset and uncertain. I worry that I might be the girl who needs to teach him a lesson so that he becomes better for a future partner, but I had so many hopes and dreams of this working out that the thought of that is horrible. Do you think it's possible to fix this and what do you suggest I do about our current situation? Thanks in advance!

litterbird · 16/02/2021 14:53

Please don't be his mother and start teaching him what is right and wrong. If this is how he reacts when you have an argument then unless you spell it out to him and communicate what the effect is then he won't change. There is another thread going on here who's husband goes out for 8 hours when they have a tiff and refuses to communicate. Its quite difficult to deal with. it is childish behaviour and if it continues and is used to hurt you then it steps into the realms of abuse. Good for you for refusing to diffuse the situation. Start as you mean to go on. Stop pandering to his bad behaviour. You have worth and he needs to realise that....not bog off whilst he has a tantrum! I would stay quiet as you are. When he returns speak plainly and explain that this behaviour has to stop immediately.

Muskox · 16/02/2021 14:58

This would be a big problem for me OP - I can't stand people who sulk. Have you told him how you feel about this behaviour? I think you need to wait until you're not in the middle of an argument and have a serious chat about how both of you deal with conflict situations. Tell him this isn't acceptable for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2021 14:59

It is not possible to fix this and why would you want to? Apart from anything else its not your job as the woman here to try and improve this man's behaviour for which he is solely responsible. Women should not be rehab centres for badly raised men.

When someone shows you who they are; it pays for you to believe them. It's not just childish behaviour he is showing you, its abusive behaviour. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute here and is using silence to further punish you for some imagined transgression against him on your part.

Do not let the sunken costs fallacy keep you any longer within this bad relationship (that is in relation to you writing about hopes and dreams for you and this man). He has done this and he is solely responsible here.

Unicornamy · 16/02/2021 15:00

OP can you please dump/ignore this man child?!

DemandTheBest · 16/02/2021 15:05

I worry that I might be the girl who needs to teach him a lesson so that he becomes better for a future partner, but I had so many hopes and dreams of this working out that the thought of that is horrible.

@chliba, just wondering how you came to the conclusion that it is your place to go around teaching lessons, and how you figured out that you need to prepare your partner for life with another partner...
Does you partner have learning difficulties, or perhaps isn’t yet an adult?

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2021 15:06

Why do women always think we have to teach men how to be adults or decent human beings. We're not life coaches OP

Caselgarcia · 16/02/2021 15:25

As its you having to diffuse the situation, he is in control and you are the one making amends. This is giving him all the power, you have a disagreement, he sulks, you approach him to resolve the situation. Next time it happens, it's a repeat of this behaviour. You have to break this pattern if you are to have any future with this man.
This time, don't approach him, see how long he sulks before approaching you.

TurquoiseDragon · 16/02/2021 15:25

@AttilaTheMeerkat

It is not possible to fix this and why would you want to? Apart from anything else its not your job as the woman here to try and improve this man's behaviour for which he is solely responsible. Women should not be rehab centres for badly raised men.

When someone shows you who they are; it pays for you to believe them. It's not just childish behaviour he is showing you, its abusive behaviour. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute here and is using silence to further punish you for some imagined transgression against him on your part.

Do not let the sunken costs fallacy keep you any longer within this bad relationship (that is in relation to you writing about hopes and dreams for you and this man). He has done this and he is solely responsible here.

I worry that I might be the girl who needs to teach him a lesson so that he becomes better for a future partner, but I had so many hopes and dreams of this working out that the thought of that is horrible.

This is the thinking behind the sunken costs fallacy that Attila refers to.

Yes, you've spent 4 years with this bloke, but they are effectively "gone" whether you stay with him or not, because you can't get them back in either case.

You need to stay or leave based on what you want in the future.

And I would recommend leaving. His behaviour is childish and abusive, and you can certainly do better. You could try the Freedom programme to reaffirm your boundaries, or read the good number of books out there, such as Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?

We only have one life, and I agree with the posters who say women should not feel they have to "fix" men. They are adults and they choose to behave like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2021 15:30

We are currently in an argument over something small and petty, but as I am usually always the one to diffuse the situation, I refuse to this time. He hasn't spoken to me for 2 days now, at all and I can't carry on with childish behaviour like this.

This is who he is, a petulant, passive-aggressive manchild. Why would you think it's your responsibility to modify or regulate his behaviour? This is absurd, and your relationship is doomed. The distance between you has nothing to do with it.

DemandTheBest · 16/02/2021 15:54

This time, don't approach him, see how long he sulks before approaching you.

You might also need to hold on to the idea in the back of your mind somewhere that he may never approach you, you don’t want something like that to come as a shock. I suspect if he wanted you to feel secure during these times, he would have let you know long before this.

SunnySideUp2020 · 16/02/2021 15:57

Don't bother.
Men who need to disappear or shut off for days when there is a disagreement are not the people you want in your life.
It's tough enough as is.
You don't want to be playing this game in a relationship/marriage.

MaMaD1990 · 16/02/2021 16:04

I always say communication is key. Whilst him giving you the silent treatment is childish, have you spoken to him about how that makes you feel? If you want to be with him you also need to give him a fair shot at behaving differently based on the information you provide him. It's sad you have to actually tell him how this makes you feel, it should be obvious to him (maybe it is and that's the point?) but it all depends on how much you want it to work. Talk to him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/02/2021 16:17

It is not an adult woman's responsibility to regulate the mood or behaviour of an adult man. Ever.

Sulkers wear people down over time. It's death by a thousand papercuts and while they might not 'mean' to do that maliciously, they choose to do it each individual time they sulk.

Bubbles1st · 16/02/2021 16:20

Don't communicate when you are apart.

I lived away and came home each week end my then DP was a nightmare to engage over the phone. He took full advantage of working late and on projects in his garage which he then wouldn't do when I was home. I missed him but it did work and felt better when we were together for it.

TheSilveryPussycat · 16/02/2021 16:25

"I worry that I might be the girl who needs to teach him a lesson so that he becomes better for a future partner"

I read this as breaking up with him being the lesson he needs? Is that what you meant, OP?

If so, teach him that lesson.

Partygirl2021 · 16/02/2021 19:30

The silent treatment is disgraceful, manipulative behaviour. My ex did this to me for days or weeks on end and I always backed down even when he was in the wrong. It’s like some sort of power trip. Get rid of this man - that is unacceptable. Nothing wrong with having a tiff and an hour to yourself to reflect or get over your rage but then you simmer down and sort it or forget it.

Original poster

chliba · 16/02/2021 20:00

I completely agree with all of the above and I certainly don't believe it's a woman's place to fix a man. What I meant by it might be me who needs to teach him a lesson, is that you only know what you have lost when it's gone and I think all of us, men and women, are guilty of having made mistakes in relationships and only really reflecting on them when that relationship ends as a result. I in no way see fixing this man as my "job". Call me old fashioned but I'd like to think we could help each other through our flaws, however I understand this requires him to want the same and to be committed to improving as well.

OP posts:

Ntwa · 16/02/2021 21:26

@chliba I came on to write yet again a very similar post. Your post is very similar to mine in terms of time together and distance, and yes mine used to do this to me. So I decided like you to just stop doing the 'fixing' and getting it back on track and I ignored him back.. Yeah, it lasted 3 weeks, then he sent me some presents for my birthday. I thanked and the silence continued. Last night I called him and said we were grown adults and I couldn't be with someone who behaved like this. This wasn't actually believe it or not the problem, he shut down like this if anything emotional cropped up.
I've told him to come and get his stuff.
It's heartbreaking and I'm struggling right now. But I was with being ignored when he's supposed to love me. I'd cut your losses it's got to be far less painful not having to endure this behaviour

Fabiofatshaft · 16/02/2021 21:34

Maybe he needs to teach YOU a lesson and prepare you to be a better person for your next partner !?

Wanderlusto · 16/02/2021 21:43

I think if you are at the stage where you are using words like 'salvagable' then you should run for the bloody hills.

Relationships should be as easy as breathing. If they aren't, then you are better off single. They should compliment your life, if they don't, then why would you keep them in it?

Also, the person should fundamentally be q good human being. If they aren't...well...lie with pigs and you get covered in shit.

Life is too short.
Ask yourself why it's so important to be with someone that you risk your health, happiness and mental wellbeing? Because that's a 'you' issue that can be fixed.

DemandTheBest · 17/02/2021 01:39

We all like to imagine that leaving a partner will teach them a lesson, but that may not actually be the case, some people in that position may move straight on, consoling themselves that you’ve done them a favour.

End the relationship because that is what’s right for you and you have better things to do with your time. Point scoring or punishing or teaching lessons may leave a sour taste in your own mouth and no else’s.

The best way to feel better is to promise yourself that if you encounter this behaviour again, you will say and show that it’s unacceptable at the first instance. Practice what you will say and do until you feel confident it has stuck in your mind; that might be the weight lifted that you need. You can’t always heal other people, but you can always heal yourself.

Onthedunes · 17/02/2021 02:02

Do yourself a favour and get rid.
Block, delete forget, move on.
Don't give him a reason or explanation why he's hurt you.
He completely knows what he is doing.

You cannot change him, this one is set in stone.
Do not give him the opportunity to hurt you again.

AnitaB888 · 17/02/2021 08:10

This-

"It is not possible to fix this and why would you want to? Apart from anything else its not your job as the woman here to try and improve this man's behaviour for which he is solely responsible. Women should not be rehab centres for badly raised men.

When someone shows you who they are; it pays for you to believe them. It's not just childish behaviour he is showing you, its abusive behaviour. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute here and is using silence to further punish you for some imagined transgression against him on your part.

Do not let the sunken costs fallacy keep you any longer within this bad relationship (that is in relation to you writing about hopes and dreams for you and this man). He has done this and he is solely responsible here."

with bells on.

Original poster

chliba · 17/02/2021 09:21

Thanks all for taking the time to answer. I will say that whilst I'm not trying to defend my partner's current actions, he isn't in general a bad guy at all. When we are together in real life, we don't have these issues and we usually can communicate more effectively which is why I'm so surprised that with the distance things have become so bad. I think his current behaviour is childish and very immature, however I would not call him abusive as I don't believe it's in his nature to genuinely want to cause me pain, I do however think he is being selfish, which is unacceptable. When he does contact me again, I want a clear way of telling him this can't happen again, without giving an ultimatum as I don't believe they ever work. I want the message to be put across that if he does do this again, we will be over but without saying it so explicitly that it adds toxicity to the relationship. What do you guys think?

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 17/02/2021 09:35

You could try saying you think that the silent treatment is damaging for the relationship, and if it's going to progress in a healthy way then communication needs to be better. Then when he does it again, point out he's doing it, then when that gets ignored, tell him he's forcing your hand and you are now reconsidering the relationship, if still ignored after that, I'd end it.