Please help me not make a misstep with a friend

[lolaflores]

Friend sent a text Sunday last week arranging a facetime. Her message was that she missed me loads. Really wanted to chat and catch up.
Great. Let's do Wedneaday. She had a day off.
Then radio silence
Wednesday came and went. Nothing to rearrange or even bail out due to something else.
Text today.
U aroundbfor a call later.
I have a finger over the phone just itching to reply..fuck u
She has form for this. I have pulled her on it before. That and always being late.
Is simply not replying the lesser of two evils or passive aggressive?
I am hurt but cant face having to address it again. I don't have the energy and cant believe she has done as I have already had to point out how much it hurts.

What happened last Wednesday; did you message re call and not get a response or just not message? Had you already arranged a time and who would call who?

You mention she has form but depends how often she does this, for what reason and how important the friendship is to you

In these times I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and see what she has to say when she calls before you make the decision whether to cut her off

You could just text back yes and see what happens...

If you want to stay friends with her, don’t make any rigid arrangements. Just tell her to call you when she’s ready, carry on doing what you normally would and don’t wait around for her, just don’t set anything in stone so you won’t be disappointed.

This would infuriate me too. It's so dismissive not to even acknowledge the arrangement that had been made. I'd be tempted to reply "We had a call planned for Wednesday, did you forget? Anyway i'm not free tonight." If you're not bothered about the friendship though maybe just ignore.

I have a friend like this, (a few actually). It's really frustrating and I've always got annoyed about this with other people.

The recent occasion got me strongly thinking that I'd been slowly ghosted and was coming to accept that we'd not be friends like we were before. But something happened in my personal life which she found out about, and she was straight there, completely there for me, bought me flowers etc. I realised that she still cared for me.

Some people's contact is very different and sometimes you have to just accept that (I would never have thought that previously). Frustrating I know but if they are a very good friend maybe you need to make allowances.

Maybe she has a lot going on (like most at the moment). What did she say when you confronted her last time?

I'm so glad that I didn't get all heavy on my friend. I think sometimes she has to deal with a lot, and she naturally has closer friends to her now, but she still loves me. Have you asked her if she's okay?

Did you actually try to call her on Wednesday... or were you just waiting for her to call you?

Friendships are two way. Just call her if you want to catch up with her. All this arranging and scheduling is making it hard work and awkward for both of you.

Step out from the texting and pick up the phone.

She was going to call me. So I waited.
I suppose I expected a txt to rearrange or just say let's do it another day.
The last time I addressed this she acknowledged it and said she was making changes.
But if her times are weird then it follows so are mine?
And as communication is changing then we have to be clearer? We cant simply bebinba self absorbed bubble and expect people to be psychic.
I o ow we are all tired etc and having uo days and down but dont add to the load with a carelessness.
If inhave asked someone to make time specifically, then I wont just leave them on a limb.
She asked me. So I didnt feel like chasing her for her reasons for just not contacting me.

And this doesnt make me feel as if she values my time or me very much.

I'd have given her a nudge on Weds, otherwise it just descends into game-playing that makes you miserable.

Just call her. Does it have to be such a formal arrangement?

That's how I felt as well. I'm not the only one in her life but still would be nice to receive a text to say sorry and to rearrange. Pull back a bit and see if she comes back to you?

People say you should mirror other people's behaviour/contact, and it has definitely worked sometimes.

“Friendships are two way. Just call her if you want to catch up with her. All this arranging and scheduling is making it hard work and awkward for both of you.

Step out from the texting and pick up the phone.”

This.

I’m not big into worrying whether or not friends demonstrate sufficient commitment to me, that’s for romantic partnerships. For me, friendship is more about do we enjoy each other’s company?, do we have fun/interesting conversations when we meet? Etc.

If you enjoy having her in your life, then just pick up the phone and if she can’t speak then, she can call you back when she’s free. It’s what we all used to do before mobiles, emails and the internet.

I have a lovely but flaky friend. She knows she's flaky and when we arrange a meet up (pre covid) it would be a set day and time BUT we talked about it and I'm not waiting around unless/until she calls me that she is in the car and on her way. She lives an hour away so this way I just plan a day not too far away from home and if she does come over (too late) I'll be there on time myself. It works for us and saves me a lot of frustrated waiting around. So the conversation would go: wednesday at 2? Yeah, sure, call me from the car when you leave.

If she's your friend why not just phone or facetime her? Why all the planning days in advance. If she's busy she'll not pick up - simples

I think I feel too close up at the moment. Conditions what they are at the moment are making stuff perhaps feel heightened. For myself if I am going to do something I will do it and if I cant I will rearrange.

We schedule round her work so it suits her. I dont ring her onbthe off chance as I know she is busy or tired from work which is why I tend to wait fornher to call.

I might be being passive aggressive but I think I’d reply “Can’t do later. By the way what happened on Wednesday?”

Her reply, if you get one, will hopefully tell you about whether she was caught up by something or was flaky. You could decide from there.

I've done a neutrally cool...cant today. Later this week?
By which time I may have cooled ny jets.
If she cant change or appreciate the bits I put value on then and if it has to be me that does all the adapting I dont know.

I would've gone with neutrally cool too @lolaflores

I've got a very low tolerance for this kind of thing now - I definitely associate it with people who play games and have other negative character traits and I find I am quickly not interested at all in making any kind of plans with them.

If it was just this phonecall then I would've just rung her/sent a message at the time time/insisted on it being more impromptu in future - but it isn't just this phonecall is it...

There is a pattern that is becoming more noticeable as time goes on. I dont appreciate flaky or tolerate it as other people can. It does upset me so why would I keep heading back for more if this is how I react? That doesnt make sense either?
Everyone has different values set on a variety of behaviours or ideals.
If ours are now so opposed, what's the point really?
I have told her and she just ignores it and that in itself is hurtful.
No one is perfect. We are human and flawed and friends accept all parts of friends but a friendship is based on respect for a friend

OP,

You need to be less available and less bothered.

I don't do flaky people.
I just can't be arsed.

No drama, but when I get the vibe from someone that they are, I just don't bother.

Basic manners like time keeping are none negotiables in my life.

I've a busy life so just am not prepared to wait.

I certainly don't feel under any obligation to change of fix people.

Someone being late just doesn't work for me.

This is who she is.

Either suit yourself completely or don't bother.

Focus on the other people in your life and avoid flaky.

The older you get the easier they are to spot.

Yep. And this is an age thing now. At 53 I really havent the mind space available for this. Or patience.
Right ow there are enough things making everything and everyone irritated. I've been shielding but it doesnt mean I'm sat on my arse just waiting for people to fill my time up for me.
I'm just going to step out from it and save myself the arse ache. There are only so many ways to explain something.

Oh I thought you were years younger than that.

I honestly wouldn't say a thing.

Be busy.

No need to fall out, just be busy and don't make any effort.

If she wants to be a friend she will buck up, if not, you know.

It’s causing you distress and upset. What’s the point of this friendship??