Will he pop the question or should I?

[UserUser1234]

No partner bashing please!

We own a house together and have a baby.

We've discussed marriage several times and the gist is we want to marry but neither want a big wedding day. Neither are wanting a big do and hate idea of being centre of attention all day.

He can be quite shy in some respects and I genuinely think the idea of s big wedding liked everyone we know terrifies him and doesn't like the idea of a proposal and in picking out a ring. Last time we spoke about it he said he wants to be together forever, worded much better than that. Quite romantic for him lol.

How much store does a man put by being the one to propose? Would he be offended if I asked him?

If I do, should I propose propose or bring up marriage and be like, well shall we do it then? We'll figure out a way to make the day suitable for us.

If you have already discussed marriage and 'the gist is' that you both want to, and don't want a big day, then what's still to do apart from actually book a date?

What do you mean by him not liking the idea of a proposal and picking out a ring?

He'd get nervous and sweaty hands. Would want to make sure ring is to my taste and fits etc. He feels traditionally man gets down on one knee and offers a ring. But that isn't his style.

You're right, perhaps I just need to say next time the topic comes up, "well okay then, let's pick a date"

Why don't you just go online and see what dates are available at the registry office and then suggest choosing one. It doesn't have to be an elaborate affair. Maybe you can both choose your outfits and rings together as a team. It will take the pressure off.

Not everyone has a big, OTT, down on one knee proposal. We talked about getting married, thought it was a good idea and then he popped out for an hour, came back with a ring, left it on the kitchen side and that was that! We've been married a loooong time.

A friend of mine has had no less than three engagements- one in Paris, two in fancy restaurants. She is still single.

@chilliplant634 that is a good idea. I'll look.

@poblwcymru that's lovely!

You've already decided that you both want marriage so there's no need for a "proposal" nonsense as you both know the answer.

I massively empathise with him because the idea of a big wedding fills me with horror. I had 20 people at my wedding and that was almost unmanageable, I cannot imagine having to cope with more than that.

With the current restrictions this would be an excellent time to have a small wedding that is meaningful to the two of you and your child, without all the expense and fuss of a "traditional" do.

I agree, these COVID times are the ideal time to have a small wedding. I’d miss out the proposal bit and get straight to picking a date for a quiet wedding.

I proposed (Or more gave him an ultimatum to be honest!). He always was a bit of a procrastinator. And we chose the ring together. Really would have hated him to pick one out for me.

DFiance took me out for the day and asked if I'd like him to buy me an engagement ring (it was more romantic than that but essentially that how he did it) I appreciated he'd planned it and it was a surprise but I also appreciated being able to choose my ring. There's no need to make an event out of it.

Usually I can’t stand the faux naive ‘surely you’re already engaged?’ comments on posts where the guy clearly has refused to marry the OP or has said they want to propose and won’t marry without it but magically doesn’t ever propose...

But this is one case where you literally are already engaged! He doesn’t want to have a proposal, neither of you want a fancy wedding, you already live together and have a child so it’s really just a legal formality isn’t it?

Just tell him you agree proposals and big weddings aren’t your thing and you’re gonna book a date at the register office, then have a look together and book it.

I can’t tell you the relief DH and I felt when we realised that you actually don’t have to have a wedding or buy into any of the wedding industry to get married, it’s signing a legal contract and exchanging vows, that’s it. We got engaged, booked the register office appointment the next working day for seven weeks later and that was that. Being married is what matters, the additional stuff around it is superfluous and unnecessary.

So go for it, and congrats let us know how it goes!

Pull the details up for the registry office, look at the wedding options and ask him what he wants to do, them email them to enquire about booking.

Don't make a big song and dance, just do it.

IF we ever get married it'll be (following a visit to the solicitors to draw up a pre nuptial agreement and wills) just us and our respective DC at a registry office, DC can be witnesses, minimal expense and no fuss.Maybe an evening party at our local pub if such things are allowed by then, but not a formal reception.

People confuse getting married and hosting a wedding, the signing of the legal contract is the important bit and shouldn't be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, divorce is two people agreeing the terms for ending a contract, not a romantic way to look at it but that's the bottom line and more important than dresses, cakes and photographs.

Thanks all for your replies. I'll definitely be a little more assertive and suggest we just do it. 😊😊