Getting belongings back from narcissist ex?

[StaceyLWard]

Me and my ex we’re together for 3 years and broke up over a year ago. He was very controlling and aggressive. When I left I took what I could and just left because I couldn’t take it anymore. Since we broke up he messaged me constantly swearing and demanding I agree to meet up with him. I blocked him on everything for around 6 months and then he found a new way to message me. He constantly messages me demanding I agree to meet him and talk about reconciling. I’ve told him no but he just explodes when I do. He’s apparently moved and wants me to collect my stuff. I don’t drive or have any means of collecting it. I also don’t feel comfortable having to see him alone if I do. He’s demanding I collect it by the weekend but like I said I have no means of collecting and as he’s in another city and ere in lockdown I’m not able to. What’s should I do?

Is there no one you can go with (Dad, Brother etc) who has a car? In these circumstances I don’t think the police would fine you. Moving house (which this is really) is also allowed.

Are you paying him to store it? Quite frankly he can burn it at any point if it was that long ago. Arrange a time and place - phone the local police and ask them to attend and say you are unsure of show then specific threats and hire a van and ask a few friends to attend and one film it if police can’t attend. Job done.

Do you need or want these belongings?

Or, worst case, is any of what he has irreplaceable? If it’s just “stuff” and you can manage to live without it then tell him to throw it.

And then, whatever else happens, if he continues with the unwanted contact (and you’ve told him it’s unwanted), involve the Police.

Do you really need the stuff? You've been without it for a long time. I would write it off and block him again. If he persists, let the police deal with him.

Do you want your stuff back or can you cope without it? Because the advice is going to hinge on that.

I don’t need the stuff it’s mainly clothes as far as I know. I’ve lasted this long as am good without it. Also I don’t have anyone who drives. My family is very small so it’s limited. I’m not paying him to store it he’s kept it through his own choice. I’m honestly not bothered about the stuff it’s more he keeps contacting me to get it. Should I just block him?

He perceives that you value your stuff (and why not? It's your stuff!) and sees this as a means of still exerting control over you.
I wonder if he has an inkling of insight into how ridiculous "demanding a reconciliation" is!
You may not feel this way, but if you can communicate "actually, a year has passed, and I'm managing without those possessions; I can see why you don't really want them cluttering up your new place. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to come and collect them." If you "drop the rope" this will, hopefully, devalue them in his eyes.
You may, unfortunately, never get the stuff back, but if the drama goes, he might lose interest in tormenting you.

I’d contact the police and tell them you want nothing more to do with him and ask them to contact him.

Text him to tell him to dispose of the stuff how he likes and then delete his number

Do not acknowledge him further; what these types want is a response and to them that is the reward. Drop the rope he holds out to you; he cannot keep playing this power game if you are not at the other end.

Hi, this happened to me once. Police told me to forget about my stuff. Ii wasnt important. Change my fone number and move. I never heard from him again. You can buy new clothes. Your safety is more important

Block him
If you can do without the belongings do so it is replaceable.
It is his attempt to get you near him and drag you in
Block delete ignore
Mention this to your family or a friend then anymore contact from him contact the police
No response is the best with some men that are like him.
Move on

Forget the stuff, tell him you don’t want it and block him. This is just a way for him to try and keep in touch and control you - don’t give him that power.

I also second reporting to the police, these things can escalate very quickly.

My brother was in a similar situation, he walked out with the clothes on his back and never got his stuff back - he lost absolutely everything, including some expensive stuff and very special items that are irreplaceable. One thing he kept saying when he (and we) were upset was: “I couldn’t have taken stuff to my grave with me, I’d rather be alive and without it”

Good luck and stay strong OP x

@StaceyLWard

Your ex boyfriend can just put all your clothes in a recycling bags ready to donate to the charity shops in his area or give them to those mobile vans that weigh the amount of how heavy the clothes are and money is given for the all the clothes.

(He can can either keep the money or give the money to you from this.

Is there anything else you want to pick up collect from his house then?

If there is to have a taxi to collect the rest of the stuff or hire a small van.
(they are not expensive)

You will feel safer having a taxi driver or hire van guys outside.

Have you got male relatives or friends who you can ask to come with you aswell to feel safer too if you like.
Take care.

You might need to take a letter to explain to the police why you need to do this in Lockdown too.

Yeah,if you don't need any of your belongings,just block him.
Narcissist will always try anything to have control over you,even if it is something so meaningless as your clothes.They will use the tiniest thing to coerce you to get in touch/meet and to enable them to continue their abuse.
Keep your head high,ignore and BLOCK.

@SapatSea

Text him to tell him to dispose of the stuff how he likes and then delete his number

This.

Do not acknowledge him. You have resisted attempts to meet up with him so far and he is using your possessions as a way of trying to get you to relent.

Do what @SapatSea suggested, so his plan backfires. If you have sufficient evidence of unwanted contact and you telling him you don't want him to contact you, then I'd report him to the police.

Yes This. Don't go anywhere near him.

'Bin it. If you attempt to contact me again, I will contact the police about your harassment'

And block.

Have you got a friend who could collect the items for you? Alternatively is there a mutual friend who he could leave your things with or drop them off at your place of work (if that means you won’t have to see him)?