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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Know I can't be with him but annoyed (?) that he may be with someone elseis

4 replies

Soconfusedandlost · 16/02/2021 04:23

Ok, not sure if this is a vent or need advice or need reiteration of how stupid I am.

I have a 2 year old child with ex. It was a casual situation where an accident happened. 3 months together and split after we found out I was pregnant. Shortly after he got back with his ex wife who then delighted in telling me that he's been sleeping with her the entire time despite her knowing about me but me not knowing about her.

Six months of verbal abuse off her with intermittent messages off him asking to be involved with the baby and then saying he didn't want to be involved and then changing mind again. I had baby who had health issues for first 12 months (but is now extremely healthy and lovely) with no involvement except a but of slagging from them at time of birth.

In march last year he got in touch cos he wanted to be in child's life and had taken steps to sort himself out. Since then we've had meetups where he has gotten to know son and they're building a relationship but I'm not comfortable with him having child alone yet as Covid has slowed the relationship with them and he's not used to caring for him fully.

Our relationship is odd. We get on really well, very friendly and supportive of each other and honest about the past. I will admit that I still find him physically attractive. However he lied and cheated and basically shit on me and his son and I cannot move past that to ever consider anything more than the friendship we have now (have been asked by several people who think something is going on with us).
The last few weeks, he has been less open and chatty and more distant with me but same with child. Didn't really think anything of it until it struck me that he may be back with ex again which Im finding a bit disconcerting? I don't want him as anything more than a friend so if he is I should be happy but know he had substance abuse issues with her so he wouldn't be safe around child as well as dealing with the things she said about me and child in the past.

OP posts:
AnitaB888 · 16/02/2021 04:45

OP, is he supporting his child financially? If not you need to sort that out.
You need to get legal help concerning his rights of access to his DC as he has, according to you a 'substance abuse problem'. Most solicitors will give half an hours free advice.
Forget about 'being friends' - he isn't your friend and is married to someone else.
Accept that you are a single parent and concentrate on your DCs welfare.

user1654236589623652 · 16/02/2021 04:49

I think you need to step back from expecting a friendship, closeness or to receive emotional support from this man. You're just hurting yourself and prolonging an attachment that hurts you rather than moving forward.

If he wants to build a relationship with his son and can be a reliable presence, great. But he's not someone you should be having deep chats, seeking support from, or discussing the past.

Wiredforsound · 16/02/2021 06:22

His personal life is none of your business except where it impacts your son. And for heaven’s sake, don’t go there again.

Soconfusedandlost · 16/02/2021 09:31

Wiredforsound I have no intention of going there again - as I said, I can accept what happened between us but I would never be able to get past lying and cheating. Did it with a previous ex and it melted my head so never again.

Yes I was hoping that we could be the mythical "co-parenters" friends who have a child. He had completed rehab prior to getting in contact with me for my child and has been clean since then but I worry that if he has gone back to ex that he will start again. I have explicitly told him that if she is back on the scene that things would change because of the substances, the toxicity, the verbal abuse etc so I need to protect DC if that is the case. Then I worry that he's lying so it doesn't change things. Then I worry that I'm a paranoid wreck. Then I worry that I've been up half the night worrying

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