Please I need advice, I don’t want to be like this

[jxllison]

I feel awful. I have a habit of getting black out drunk to the point I can’t seem to control my behaviour or remember much the next morning. Me and my friend went out with 3 boys and were in their car, I got so drunk and ended up having sex with one of them in their car whilst everyone else was there too. I know. It’s disgusting and so embarrassing. I can’t even remember getting home, I can’t remember having sex, I have flashbacks but they are very short and I’m trying to block them out as I am humiliated. It was consensual so I’m not way suggesting rape or anything as I know I’m a mess when I’m drunk and get very horny which is weird and quite scary. This is not the first time something like this is happened. I can’t help but feel a little taken advantage of though. I haven’t even mentioned the worst part and that is that I woke up Saturday morning and got sent a video from one of my boy mates, the sex was being recorded and there was a video of me giving oral and me having sex in the car. A boy who was in the car that I didn’t have sex with recorded two short videos like 6 seconds long each maybe but I felt disgusting and violated. I didn’t consent and I didn’t know. The flash was on but I promise I didn’t know it was being recorded. I don’t know how many people have it. My ex found out and blocked me on everything and called me a dirty whore which is fair enough I guess but that isn’t what I want to be like. I don’t know how many people have seen it and I can’t report it as nothing will be solved and it’d give the situation more attention and god knows who could still have the video. I know at least 5/6 people have it and things like that get sent on and on. One of the people that has it isn’t very fond of me either. I just feel like a total mess and my actions when I drink get so out of hand. I knew other people were in the car but I must of not cared. Me and my ex have broken up for over a year but we’ve been a contact ever since then still and been sleeping together. I feel awful and bad for him that he had to see that. He doesn’t love me anymore but we used to talk a lot and I feel so bad for him. He’s been ignoring all my messages and blocked me like I said. Fuck I’m rambling I just don’t think there’s any coming back from this. The videos aren’t graphic at all and you can’t see my face but people know it’s me. No one I know has said anything to me so I don’t think it’s got around that many people thank god. I need to change and be a better person and not so much of a slag.
There’s nothing I can do now I guess but I want to change what people think of me but it’s not possible. I’ve got a name for myself previous to this I think, I don’t know. I’ve slept with 16 people in just over a year and I never used to be like this before my ex. When I was with him it was just 3 people (including him) and now I’m a complete slut. I think it’s how I’ve been coping but that’s not an excuse. I want to change peoples perception. Especially my exes, I never want to be with him again but I want him to be proud of me and think I’m a good person again. He called me vile and said stay out of my life. Everyone’s seen your true colours... any advice would be accepted please don’t be too hard on me.
I’m 21 btw

Your so called 'friends' are not friends at all. The guys love it when you are drunk...they can use you for sex (which is highly likely to be unprotected) and to film you in your vulnerable state so they can get off on it with their mates. When people (especially women) get very drunk they are very much at risk at being predated on by (generally) males who go out solely to look for vulnerable people to have sex with or even murder. Please try and get some help...if you have to go out drinking then just have a couple of drinks interspersed with non alcoholic drinks. You are worth so much more than this damaging, difficult life you are leading right now. Be strong and stop allowing others to use and abuse you.

"Stop allowing others to use and abuse you"

@heyday I think that's a very dangerous and potentially damaging phrase to use. People who are vulnerable/have been abused tend to be preyed upon (as you have just said) by men who are looking to abuse. It really is not her fault if that is the case. You've literally just victim blamed her in that one sentence.

OP, you are beating yourself black and blue, please please stop. You need to take care of yourself, especially as no one around you seems to be! Why on earth did your 'friends' not step in and stop what was happening, it would have been clear to anyone with eyes that you were not in a fit state to consent. Instead they chose to film it?! Horrific, and I'd question the legality of his actions.

I second the PP who suggested a move to a new area. Clean start away from toxic people and bad memories. Your ex sounds atrocious, what a nasty piece of work. You do not need him to be proud of you, be proud of yourself for recognising that your current situation is toxic and striving to do something about it, at such a young age you speak like someone much older, you're so reflective and self aware.

Speaking as someone older but still able to remember 21, you have so so much life ahead of you and wonderful days are ahead, but surrounded with people as you are atm will mean you move forward still under this cloud. Please, please change the people you honour with your friendship and presence and even consider a change of location, a new adventure. Consider speaking to someone for support and work on loving and caring for yourself.

So sorry for the essay, sending lots of best wishes to you x

We all make mistakes. Peoples opinion of you is none of your business. Let them think what they want. You are an adult and you can sleep with who you please. The problem is how you feel about yourself. I wish I could give you a hug. You sound so down.
If anyone says anything to you about it tell them to mind their own business. It’s funny how none of the lads are getting any grief 🙄

Oh OP, I’m sorry you’ve been through this.

First up, you aren’t a slut. It doesn’t matter how many people you have slept with - having sex doesn’t make you a bad person.

Secondly, it’s completely disgusting and wrong that someone took these videos of you and shared them. They were absolutely wrong to do that and if you wanted to report them to the police you would be well within your rights. I understand that you may not want to do so, but it is an option for you. The people who took and shared that video are very wrong.

Finally, it sounds like you really need help with your drinking. It’s making you unhappy and endangering you. If you would speak to your GP about it, they can help you access support to help you give it up.