Husband drinking issues.

[Ladybirdred]

Hi, I am new here. It’s 12.15am and I am wide awake because my DH has had another one of his drinking episodes. This is one of many now, they happen I would say once a month. He is foreign I am a British woman and we have a son who is young. To get to the point..

Tonight my DH started drinking around 3.30pm he had a pack of 4 beers then he got himself another two cans. He then drank 2 full bottles of Prosecco. He gets like this from time to time but the first time he did we had a raging row and he pulled over my television. And I left to go and stay with relatives. The second time he pulled over our Christmas tree and pulled it apart in front of our son. Since then there has been a few more of the drinking episodes where he has said nasty things to me. He also speaks to himself a lot which worries me. Tonight he drank himself stupid again and I could hear crashing and banging downstairs followed by mumbling and talking to himself again. He is not the person I know when he is like this. I don’t recognise him but I am scared and I worry he could do something to me because the next day he always says he doesn’t remember. I hate been in this mess, do I leave him now? Is it enough? I can’t keep going through this for me and my sons sake. It breaks my heart and my anxiety is through the roof. we have been together 5 years this year.

Yes I would leave him but that's easy for me to say. You've written more than enough reasons to leave

It’s enough to leave him yes. I wouldn’t have given him more than one strike but that’s him had 3.

He says he can't remember but when you tell him does he believe you? I used to binge drink in my 20s and every weekend I would genuinely not remember hours of the night, so he genuinely may not remember, but if you're telling him what he's like, and the broken tv and tree are there to back up your account, then he needs to understand that he can't drink so much if it has this effect on his personality.

If he is unwilling to stop then only you can make the decision about whether you're going to put up with him or not.

I think you need to get a plan in place for you and your son. Arrange accommodation and just go. Do not tell him before hand, you could leave him a letter explaining your reasons and describe exactly what you have told us he is like when drinking.
When he is sober, you should arrange to meet him, on you own just the two of you in a park or somewhere public.
Lay it out straight, he needs to get himself professional help, tell him that you will help arrange it but only if he is willing to change.
You can do no more than that,op.
Protect your son and protect yourselves and the only way to do that is to get away from him.

Hi there OP,
We hope you don't mind but we thought your message might reach more ears on this board. We hope you are feeling okay and strong this morning.

Leave him. He sounds awful and quite frightening.

I know it will be very hard and heartbreaking but I think you DO need to make plans to leave. You can't cure your DH , he needs to make the change and get help for himself. You need to put your DC's welfare first (as you recognise). Has he acknowledged he has a binge drinking problem? Is he prepared to get help? Will he stop drinking all together?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

You absolutely need to make plans to leave your alcoholic husband and as soon as possible. Would also urge you to seek legal advice re divorce. Your son cannot afford to grow up seeing this as his normal; he is also learning about relationships from you two as his parents here. You cannot protect your child from his abuses of you and in turn him by remaining under the same roof.

The only person you can help here is you and in turn your son by removing yourselves from this toxic environment and asap. Are you in the UK?.

Only your H can decide to get help for his own self and there is nothing to suggest in your posts he feels he has a problem or infact wants any help at all. You cannot do anything to help your H and besides which he does not want your help nor support nor signposting to any alcoholic support services.

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic mother, I would say it's not good for your son to be around this kind of behaviour. I'm in my twenties now and have had therapy up until very recently to get over the hurt my mum left me with. However, I would also consider the other aspects of your relationship. Alcohol aside, is your relationship good or are there other problems? Have you tried speaking to him to see if he acknowledges his problem with alcohol? I would have one last frank chat with him where you give him the support he may need, I have learnt over the years that whilst the behaviour of an alcoholic is completely unacceptable, they are suffering from an illness and they are sometimes unable to see the problem that they have and denial is a very common thing. You can't babysit this man his whole life, but I believe a relationship is about support and a lot of give and take. If he seems receptive to help that's out there, I think you have a starting point to move forward together, if not then I think you know for yourself and your son's sake, you must leave. It's emotionally and mentally draining trying to change someone who is unwilling to do so themselves.

Him being "foreign" and you "British" is irrelevant.
Him being an alcoholic is.

Get away.

Listen to the posters who describe what it was like to be brought up by an alcoholic parent. Then think about your DC; their 'D'F ripped up the Christmas tree in front of them. That will never be forgotten.

A child brought up by one responsible, loving parent is going to have a better childhood than being brought up by an alcoholic father and a mother walking on eggshells. Good Luck

I genuinely would leave him. I just couldn't cope with the anxiety and uncertainty he brings when drunk. I also wouldn't want our child to see this.

Please get out. He has a serious alcohol problem and your first priority should be to protect your young child.

I say this as someone who separated from my 'D'P a year ago due to their alcoholism. No, it's not easy - it took me a long time to be brave though to finally end the relationship - but life is a million times better not living with an angry, unpredictable addict who's damaging you and your child's emotional health.