I don't know what to do!

[Marie84]

Although I think I do I just know it's going to be hard. Me and my dp went through a rocky patch before Christmas, he had been messaging another girl. Although they weren't anything particularly bad he still lied to me about it. I asked him to leave and left it at that. A few wks later he came over and we talked he said I was all he wanted etc and I ended up taking him back. Things have been amazing up until today, although nothing has changed in his behaviour I have a gut feeling something is up. I have brought it up with him tonight and he has basically said he doesn't have time for this and he has too much on his mind with work - he has recently started up his own business and it's been a hard 18 months. I have stuck by him through everything and feel like in a way he has been using me. I literally do everything for him, I have been furloughed so happy to though! Last time I looked on his phone and I'm so tempted to look again but also scared of what I might find. I feel sick and I can't think of anything else. I think I have just had enough and I probably deserve better but I just love him so much and we have been through a lot in the past 8 years. I just wish he would talk to me without flying off the handle. He is constantly tired as he works such long hours. We rarely have time for each other and when we do he is too tired. I'm pretty sure I know what any advice would be but sometimes it's just nice to hear someone's views. It's a hard time and I can't just pop to a friends for a cuppa

2 sides to this op. He did the dirty so should hear your worries but on the other hand, you chose to forgive him..... clearly still trust issues you both need to work on to make your relationship work

I'm always on track trust your gut.
Snoop. Snoop. Fucking snoop.

An innocent man will price his innocence, not fly off the handle.

You kicked him out.

Several weeks later he came crawling back.

What happened in that time period when he wasn't grovelling?

He was trying his luck with a new lead. The lead fell through & he came back to what feels familiar & comfortable.

I would hazard a guess he had figured his new lead was a dead end, so went back to you.

However likeliehood is the lead has now given him some extra crumbs, so now he still thinks he is in with a chance there.

As such he has gone cold on you again.

IMO

@gutful

You kicked him out.

Several weeks later he came crawling back.

What happened in that time period when he wasn't grovelling?

He was trying his luck with a new lead. The lead fell through & he came back to what feels familiar & comfortable.

I would hazard a guess he had figured his new lead was a dead end, so went back to you.

However likeliehood is the lead has now given him some extra crumbs, so now he still thinks he is in with a chance there.

As such he has gone cold on you again.

IMO

He never stopped grovelling. I just ignored him.

I have ended it this morning. I am heartbroken but it was the right thing to do.

OP you did the right thing. Exactly the same thing happened to me. I took him back but as hard as I tried I didn't trust him and when I had a wobble when he was late back one day he was just angry with me. That's not the reaction of someone who cares about you. As hard as it is you have made the right decision for you. You can still love someone and they can be the wrong fit for you. You deserve much better. He was grovelling because he realised how much you did for him, but he had no respect for you - remember that. It does get easier but stick to your guns.

This is exactly true! The last few years I have put so much into our relationship and he hasn't. I know he loves me but he doesn't respect me and I'm not a priority to him anymore.

I know I deserve better but at the moment I can't imagine being with anyone else. It was the right thing to do but that doesn't make it any easier. I still love him so much but he isn't the person I fell in love with.

How are things with you now? How long ago was it? People keep saying "be strong" "you'll be ok" "you deserve better" but at the moment I don't feel like I can even get through the day. I just want to curl up into a ball and wake up in 6 months time when hopefully I'd feel better

Hope you're ok op. If there's no trust it wouldn't have lasted and its hard to trust someone who's betrade it

I’m in the same position with my husband. It sucks, but all we can do is take one day at a time, hopefully gaining strength along the way.

Having a bad day today. He is just carrying on like nothing has happened. I feel so broken. Everything around the house reminds me of him and it's breaking my heart. I know there is no going back but I just love him so much. I feel pathetic! I would have done anything to make it work and I thought he felt the same. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Only you know if you can make it work op. Has he offered anything to ease your mind that you can trust him again?

You’ll never trust him again. Do you want to live like that?

OP it is difficult to begin with. My ex OH eventually left in December just gone but moped about for some weeks before that. As sad as it is actions speak louder than words. If you were his priority he wouldn't be angry with you (damn cheek of it!) and he would be doing everything to make you feel better. You're in love with the person you thought he was not the person you know he is now.

I have good days and bad days but the good days are starting to outnumber the bad days. I just keep remembering what he did, how he completely disrespected me and had the nerve to be angry with me when he was the in the wrong. That black and white reminder reassures me I've made the right decision. I would never trust him again. In fact he did say once when I had a wobble " Is this how it's going to be now?"

What the hell? hardly any remorse, more anger more like because his comfortable little life with me doing everything was not comfortable any more.

Keep your dignity OP and self respect. No longer a door mat. You can do it - day by day.

If

gonnabeok

I have a friend who this happened to - he had an affair, treated my friend abominably and then when it all went wrong and he tried to creep his way back to her said “are you going to get over it though because I can’t keep going over this”!!!. He is an absolute cock and I really can’t stand him.
My friend deserves so much better but she is still allowing him to manipulate her - I wish she would give him the shove once and for all.

@Jesskir89

Only you know if you can make it work op. Has he offered anything to ease your mind that you can trust him again?

No, he won't even admit he has done wrong. He has always known I have trust issues due to a past relationship and I never for a second thought I couldn't trust him. I think that's why I'm finding it so hard. I never thought he'd do this to me.

@gonnabeok

OP it is difficult to begin with. My ex OH eventually left in December just gone but moped about for some weeks before that. As sad as it is actions speak louder than words. If you were his priority he wouldn't be angry with you (damn cheek of it!) and he would be doing everything to make you feel better. You're in love with the person you thought he was not the person you know he is now.

I have good days and bad days but the good days are starting to outnumber the bad days. I just keep remembering what he did, how he completely disrespected me and had the nerve to be angry with me when he was the in the wrong. That black and white reminder reassures me I've made the right decision. I would never trust him again. In fact he did say once when I had a wobble " Is this how it's going to be now?"

What the hell? hardly any remorse, more anger more like because his comfortable little life with me doing everything was not comfortable any more.

Keep your dignity OP and self respect. No longer a door mat. You can do it - day by day.

If

I just feel so let down by him. I know 100% it's the right thing to do but it just doesn't make it any easier. I just want to fast forward the next 6 months or so! I love him so much and have never felt like this before. Last night I felt ok but this morning I haven't even made it out of bed! Part of me wants him to want me back but I know it's wrong. I guess I can't help the way I feel, I just wish we didn't live so close as I know we will be bumping into each other

Why is it you can only remember and think about the good times. I know I need to keep busy but I'm struggling to do or think about anything else today.

Op why does he not think he's done anything wrong? When you say he was messaging another woman were this messages inappropriate? And why did he lie to you about it if not?

He says it's just as old friend but if it was why would he not tell me and lie when I asked? I had to look at his phone to find out. Some of the messages had been deleted, why would you do that if there was nothing to hide? Once you have that gut feeling you have to find out for sure. To me sending messages to someone else and deleting them clearly means he has something to hide. Maybe if it was the first time I would have believed him.