I think I know what you'll say..

[NemoNinja]

99% sure I know what'll be said, and I think I just need to hear it from someone who isn't me. So I can shush that little voice in the back of my head once and for all.

I've been with DP for nearly 4 years. This time last year things really started heading downhill, and I believe it would have regardless of lockdown. Obviously lockdown has just exacerbated everything, and where we would perhaps have got the plaster on and moved on.. perhaps it has just highlighted the issues.

I battled through it all last year, putting it down to lockdown stress...putting it down to my deterioration in mental health...and at the same time querying whether it was maybe the natural end to a relationship.

I have issues with overthinking a lot of things, with what ifs, buts and maybes, and I don't want to be sat here in another 6 months having convinced myself I made the wrong decision.

.

Is it true that once the sex has gone.... it has gone gone?

I got tired of instigating sex, or having a (very mild) argument before sleep because we had spoken about it or wound each other up all day then....nothing.
So I pulled back.
He maybe made a move once every 2-3 weeks.

A far far cry from the man who loved that we did it every day/couple of days. Especially with our shift work...we used to make the most of what time we did have together.

Obviously that has sparked a cascade of other thought trails in my head.. ie why the sudden change in want or need to be intimate?
Is it an age thing? He has just turned 40..
Naive old me believed him when he said he didnt really watch porn since being with me because he didnt need to.
I'm (sort of) ashamed to say that I have checked his phone - nothing horrifically suspect.... just a ridiculous amount of porn links. However the lack of messages doesnt surprise me... he is generally organised and goes through inboxes and deletes message threads fairly randomly but frequently. So i really wouldnt know if he was exchanging any dodgy ones.

.

We have become the couple i never wanted to. Separate ends of the sofa each evening, barely talking...

On top of which... I've noticed his pure lack of empathy with anything not related to him. I've been having a lot off family issues lately (think sick relatives, one died a few days ago - expected but still a shock).
He picked the one night I was in bits about everything to try it on.... then had the gall to ask "what's wrong" when he realised I was crying.

Tonight, we had a 15 minute conversation on my way home (started as a dinner sort of convo), and of those 15 minutes, most of it was talking about a work thing for him.

When I said my relative died yesterday... all he said was their kid's name to clarify which one I was talking about... and that was it. Didn't check I was ok...nothing. Again.. took tears in bed last night for him to show me any sort of affection.

His ex he has kids with asked me how my relatives were doing before Christmas... when he hadnt. That hit me hard.
She also dropped into convo that he was fairly unemotional when they had been together.
(Was a kid drop off meet up, obviously not a social one with covid etc before i get jumped on).

.

Just seems to me, at the moment at least, that he is wholly uninterested, despite saying in a heart to heart in september that he saw us married, with a baby and growing old together.
We said we would see how things went between then and christmas before making a decision.... no change in "us", but equally we havent sat and reevaluated either, or had that proper conversation.
Again... if he actually wanted to get married...he would have at least proposed by now... and part of me thinks he likes having someone to pay half a mortgage with and the lifestyle we share.

I mean, we are comfortable. We have a nice house, it is affordable... i just can't see me living like this until i die.

Obviously if we split I want to be the best prepared that I can be.
House (with an agreement that minus deposits it is aplit 50-50).
Not married
No kids (only his kids - my stepkids)
One dog (in my name, and definitely a mumma's boy!)

Can anyone see any positives to the relationship at the moment?

And if not...then...
Hive mind of MN, i havent been through a proper break up before.

What do I need to prepare, arrange, talk about, or sort out?

Sorry for the essay.

Also, any talk of kids is a serious no right now, no fear. Not an environment I want to bring a child into, and all broodiness has totally disappeared.

You’re right that it’s over

This relationship is already over. Just tell him you want out and get on with it. Be very thankful no children or an official divorce are involved.

You know we'll say it and you know you need to do it.

The realisation is still pretty shit, though 💮

Things will go downhill from here. If it's bad now it will get even worse in the future.

It's over OP x

That's no life. That's just existing. You deserve and can have much better. Be kind to yourself and move on. Focus solely on yourself and your world will become a happier place. It's still shit though and I'm sorry. It took me 4 years of unhappiness and hoping he'd change. I'm glad I stuck it out for a while because we had very young children but I know I made the right decision when I finally left. I'm alone but far less lonely. Xx

I had an ex like this. Seriously lacking in empathy even when I had seriously injured myself, when my dog died, when I thought I would lose my house. Tears never moved him.

However unlike your dp my ex was late 40s/early 50s and was a sex maniac. It was the only time he showed any true interest in me. But that turned me right off him as I needed affection and interest in my life outside of sex to be with him that way.

I always felt alone with him even years later. Don’t make the same mistake and waste years thinking you will get used to it or he will change - it won’t happen.

This sounds exactly like my relationship with my ex in the end- he had no empathy and when a family member passed away and he was unable to support me it all started falling apart. By the end we were like strangers sat on opposite ends of the sofa as you’ve described, and the sex totally dried up- but I know now that was indicative of the wider problem, and how I no longer wanted to be intimate with a man who didn’t support me.

I left him some years ago and I’ve never been happier. As PP have said be thankful there is no divorce involved and move on x

FWIW When my 20 year relationship ended nearly 18 months ago, it was very much a similar story. I remember being told the real enemy of love is not hate, it's indifference. When I realised this was true, I also realised the relationship should have ended a good 3 years before it did.

Thank you for all the comments; I think writing it in plain writing has helped in itself... and seeing that other posters has gone through it.... I'm not alone or the odd one out?

@sma1978 you've hit the nail on the head. I certainly have no hate towards him, but I've moved on from September.. where I cried at the thought/conversation we had about what was wrong and where I thought we were at (his aolution to be fair was to mive to the spare room and put the house on the market..as I need to be happy and if he doesnt make me happy rhen we needed to split... no talk of how to fix it... although upon actually trying to get him to talk he did admit he would be sad and heartbroken if we did split )
I am indifferent to it all.
I have no urge for sex with him.
And while itll be a PITA to split/sell/start over...I'm too young (28) to not be having plenty of sex, or feel meh about everything...

Thank you for indulging and saying what I need to hear.

Just need to work out the conversation to have with him, and then have it!