Coming to terms with a different life

[BrokenBrit]

So a bit of background, my spouse left me for another woman at the end of last year. We had been apparently very happily married for 8 years and had no DC.
I am mid thirties now and DC had been on the cards but some it hadn’t happened, we had considered adoption too.
I am coming out of the initial phase of devastation and shock and heartbreak and am analysing my life. I career changed last year after the pandemic took my business and am rebuilding and retraining.
I know at my age time is not on my side. I don’t feel ready nor able to afford or manage to try fertility treatment and sperm donation alone, nor convinced it is the right path for me either.
I think I will enjoy my new career and can throw myself into that.
I’m just blindsided at how my happy relationship proved to be a lie and how I face a future with no relationship, no DC, and it all feels like a big change to get used to.

I know a lot of people go through affairs and divorce, but friends who have been in similar situations have their DC to get through the day for. I’ve realised I am strong and capable, and lucky to have a home and job prospects. Yet it is still taking a lot to adjust to how differently my life has turned out.
Can anyone relate? I find it hard to talk to friends as they either have a relationship, or DC, or both and I feel so alone.

Yes I can relate.

Listen carefully to other women our age talk about losing their identity, how they feel like they are just mum or wife.

If you are neither of those things you will have to work to find your own meaning in life and reason for getting up in the morning. When you do find it, it's a great and rewarding feeling, to be on your own two feet emotionally and financially and spiritually.

If I could give you any practical advice it would be go easy on social media, comparison is the thief of joy as they say. Be careful who you confide in and who's advice you take. Find role models in older women and I find a lot of refuge in fiction, books and films. Time to think about widening your horizons.

Lots of love.

@Jennifer2r thank you, your post was just what I needed to hear! Empowering, understanding and motivating.

I feel I am stepping forward toward the right path, but sometimes it feels a bit lonely and wobbly. I will take your advice on board and invest more in friendships with older women and relight my love of books. I think lockdown isn’t helping either and once I can go out and socialise and see people it will get easier.

Sorry to hear this OP

If you’d like to have another relationship, why not look into freezing your eggs to give you time to find the right partner and start a family, it is NOT too late for you.

How are you doing OP?

Sympathies, OP. You’re still grieving the loss of one kind of life, even if the one you’re tentatively starting to embrace sounds potentially exciting and just as, but differently, valuable. I’ve only skimmed it from interest as I’m not the target reader, but I’ve seen posters on here struggling with facing a life that didn’t involve children — whether by accident or choice — speak highly of Gateway Women, and it has a specific section on being single and without a child which has links to books, interviews, podcasts etc:

gateway-women.com/category/single/

I can relate to you, I’m in my 30s with no children. I was in a very similar situation myself this time last year, I thought we was happily married and was planning a family. Only to discover his affair.
I remember very clearly the heartbreak and pain, it’s still raw now. I felt I’d lost everything.
But I am now a year on. I am divorced, I’m proud to say I initiated and paid for it! I’ve changed jobs and I am progressing in my career. Most importantly I have found myself. I didn’t realise how much of myself I’d lost in my marriage.

I agree with others in respect of social media. I came off social media completely.
I made myself go out for a walk everyday and I listened to a podcast, for that hour I wasn’t thinking about my problems. I rewatched shows on Netflix to fill silences but that didn’t need my full concentration.

I saw a counsellor, I know it’s not for everyone but it helped to validate my feelings and to work through my emotions. It helped to have someone completely impartial listen but also help me make sense of what was going on. I did confide in people I thought were friends and that wasn’t the case.

It’s not easy and I’m still learning. I’ve accepted that I am where I am and I can either accept that or I can make the best of it. After everything I’ve been through including lockdown, I want to be happy and that’s something I’m not going to compromise on. Take some time to focus on you. I eventually realised that this was time to re-introduce myself to the world, set new standards and boundaries in all areas of my life.

I hope your doing ok, if you need someone to talk too I’m happy to chat. Your not on your own.