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Original poster

My partner's mum expects too much

27 replies

KB1995 · 15/02/2021 17:17

I've been with my partner for three years and throughout that time we have had a lot of issues with his Mother. A bit of background, his Father had a stoke six months before we got together and is now in a wheelchair so they have a carer come in the mornings and evenings. After the stroke my partner's mother put a lot of expectation and pressure on my partner to help. Of course I understand that she is in a difficult situation and I completely empathise, but the problem is that any help he gives is never enough.

When we first got together he went home (an hour away) every weekend to help out, so if I wanted to spend a weekend with him I had to go too. I never felt like she made any effort to get to know me, she just expected me to do housework to help out - of course I'm happy to do what I can. However, she never asks or says please to either of us it's just 'you can do this' and it got to the point where she kept a book filled with jobs for my partner to complete whenever he was home but would never appreciate the help or say thank you. This made it hard because whenever we would visit there was never a 'sit down and have a cup of tea, let's catch up' which I think is equally as important as helping out.

Another side of this problem is that she isn't like this with his sister who lives nearby with her grandson. My partner's sister is never told or expected to do jobs and when we're visiting at the same time his mother and sister just chat away and ignore us. Because of this we started to visit less frequently as it felt like we were only there to act as handymen.

We've been living with his Mother and Father since Christmas so they aren't alone during the pandemic which means my partner has done all the caring for his Father, every DIY job and bit of housework there is, while also working from home full time. Despite this, every week or two his Mother will cry of an evening that he's not doing enough and picking fault with him. She will call him selfish and can say some really vile things (not taking into account that he already suffers from depression). Anytime he tries to speak to her from his side of things she says that he's too sensitive and defensive.

It has been really hard to watch him do so much for his family and for it to not be appreciated. I find it so hurtful that we have spent all this time here to take the train off but it's justnever enough. My partner and I have had a lot of 'arguments' about this because when he's left feeling low and guilty I tell him to bring it up with her because he's a 32 year old man and shouldn't be ordered around like a child. He's not a very confrontational person so this just doesn't come easy to him and he knows that she won't react well.

It's at the point where I don't know what to do about it. I've always wanted to have a great relationship with my partner's family but I can't help but feel so much negativity towards them. I dread spending time with them because it's awkward. They complain that we don't visit enough but they never come and visit us, yet they can visit my partner's sister.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice on how to manage it?

OP posts:

katy1213 · 15/02/2021 17:29

The first step would be to move back to your own home and make it clear that you expect your partner to come too.
But I wouldn't want a future with a man who's tied to his mother's apron strings to this extent. If he won't cut back on his visits to maybe once a fortnight - and tell his sister to step up and do her part - do you really want to be with him?
Whatever, she's not your mother - and as she's not the one in the wheelchair, she can do her own bloody housework! She can expect all she likes - doesn't mean you're her skivvy.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/02/2021 17:34

If you still have your own home then go back there. Both of you. You have done your best but it is obviously never going to be enough. If they need support at home they will have to organise it themselves.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2021 17:38

I would be leaving their home with my heels on fire. This is ultimately a partner problem. If he is incapable of making firm boundaries, you have an unwinnable fight on your hands.

Original poster

KB1995 · 15/02/2021 17:40

Thanks Katy! I think that's how i'm feeling. Do I want a future with someone who can't stand up to their own Mum? What happens if we have children, will they be my responsibility because she'll be expecting him to be over helping her? I just know that even with us moving out there will still be so much expectation and snide comments about us not doing enough. Once we visited to help his Sister pack up HER belongings for moving house, we left in the evening to have dinner with a friend who was back home and got called selfish because we didn't take HER dog on a walk...I feel that his Sister isn't expected to do anything because she has a child and they're bitter that we're able to enjoy our lives in the city, despite that being an active decision to not start a family...

OP posts:

Thebizz · 15/02/2021 17:41

You don’t visit enough but you are living there?

I don’t know how you are living like that. What is the intention with moving out? Can they have more carers? Can they ask someone else for the practical help?

Bargebill19 · 15/02/2021 17:42

Move out. And downgrade your contact with them for both your mental health.
Realise that essential your partner was born to be a spare and look after the family by any means deemed necessary, as such, no matter what you/he do will ever be good enough. So do what you both want to do and can live with. That’s might be all/some or non of their requests. The rest they can sort out with cleaners/gardeners/handyman. For which they can pay.
Just because he’s flesh and blood doesn’t give them the right to treat him and you as unpaid skivvies.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2021 17:45

Go home tonight or tomorrow. If he won’t leave with you then go by yourself. You’re not anyone’s skivvy and they have no rights to your time or labour.

Longer term, you’re right to have serious doubts. He’s been living this dynamic for 32 years and while he might say he’s unhappy he obviously isn’t unhappy enough to make any changes. If things improved when you started seeing them less, moving in with them now has put progress right back.

He can’t or won’t stand up to his family, he’s dragging you down with him. You don’t have to put up with it. Please don’t waste your life like this.

Original poster

KB1995 · 15/02/2021 17:46

@Thebizz

You don’t visit enough but you are living there?

I don’t know how you are living like that. What is the intention with moving out? Can they have more carers? Can they ask someone else for the practical help?

Sorry, in pre-covid times we didn't live here! It was just to be a support over the last couple of months. It's really hard working full time from home and then feeling like you're being judged for not cleaning her windows (yes, that has been brought up. Imagine going to someone else's house and being expected to clean their windows of your own accord!)

They have a carer twice a day normally which will start again when we move out. @Thebizz

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 15/02/2021 17:48

Sod that...

move Home now 🌺

Original poster

KB1995 · 15/02/2021 17:52

@katy1213

The first step would be to move back to your own home and make it clear that you expect your partner to come too. But I wouldn't want a future with a man who's tied to his mother's apron strings to this extent. If he won't cut back on his visits to maybe once a fortnight - and tell his sister to step up and do her part - do you really want to be with him? Whatever, she's not your mother - and as she's not the one in the wheelchair, she can do her own bloody housework! She can expect all she likes - doesn't mean you're her skivvy.

@katy1213

OP posts:

heartcurrent1 · 15/02/2021 17:55

I'd be moving home, your OH needs to be reminded he can love & care for his dad in his own way not the way his mother expects.
I'd speak with OH and tell him rationally he can move home and be happy and still care for his dad but on terms that are accessible to his life as sad as it is, my mother cared for her friends mum right up until her passing it became far too much as she would barely interact with her mum because she knew my mum was there, when my mum finally sat down and asked her why she said the burden of being the only one for all those years she finally felt free then she felt guilty for not being around so stayed away. Everyone will be affected by this in the long run and MIL could be running the risk of pushing your OH away for good.

katy1213 · 15/02/2021 17:56

Snide remarks run off you like water off a duck's back once you stop caring!

Labobo · 15/02/2021 18:24

I sympathise massively with your partner. My father is a bully who expects endless servitude and I finally lost all respect and love for him when I witnessed him treat my sister the way your partner is being treated. The heartbreaking thing is - it's normal for your DP. He's been raised to believe this is what a loving son does.

It is your job (if you want) to explain very supportively that no, normal, loving parents don't bully and make their son skivvy. They appreciate him, show interest in his well being, are grateful and recognise he has needs of his own. Get him back home with you for a breather for a month. Teach him it's OK to say, 'I can't' and 'No' and to take breaks when he needs. He needs to learn the difference between putting your own needs first in a healthy way and being selfish.

Your DP's depression will be linked to her treatment of him. Get him to read up on emotionally abusive parents, narcissistic parents and how to handle them. Grey Rock technique is really helpful.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2021 18:31

Please read the book Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

EL8888 · 15/02/2021 18:39

Wow! The phrase “what did her last slave die of”, ran through my mind when l read this. Out of curiosity was his Dad his mother’s slave, before his physically health deteriorated? Who asks guests to clean your windows?! It’s time to take a massive step back and return to your own property, how much she is demanding of you is totally excessive

XiCi · 15/02/2021 18:40

Your DP will have been in this toxic environment his whole life, he wont know any different. It might take alot of encouragement for him to stand up to her. Have you challenged her behaviour at all whilst you've been living there? There's no way id sit back and say nothing whilst being called selfish after all you are doing for her and there is no way id sit there and do nothing whilst she was saying vile things to my DP.

richestoriches · 15/02/2021 18:41

Leave! It's bad enough he is a victim of her and now he's trying to make you one too. Save yourself and go home now and I'd pressure him to come too. Sounds like he isn't strong enough to stand up to her so you're going to have to be the one to mange this situation and him.

richestoriches · 15/02/2021 18:42

Also, she obviously doesn't respect you and considers herself superior to you. Grow a backbone, stand up to her. She can indeed clean her own bloody windows!

EarthSight · 15/02/2021 18:43

When we first got together he went home (an hour away) every weekend to help out, so if I wanted to spend a weekend with him I had to go too

This is where the problem started (not that it's your fault his mum's like that). You signed a sort of invisible agreement when you started doing this, you were sucked into their world. A lot of women si mply wouldn't have stood for that - they would have thought 'Hold on - we never get time alone. How are we meant to get to know each other properly? How are we meant to spend any decent length of quality time together if we're at his parents every bloody weekend?? I like him....but fuck that!!'

If you really want to stay with him, I would want to move at least 90 mins away, minimum! This is a lot of emotional work for you. Not only do you have to help and support your partner through depressive periods (which may or may not be caused by his mother), but you also have to coach him about healthy dynamics. Like I said, a lot of work and I think it will really tire you out eventually.

SandyY2K · 15/02/2021 18:43

It doesn't sound like he was on the right place to start a relationship with you considering everything he had on. He just wasn't able to give you time.

I would consider his inability to say no to his mum as a problem. She sounds ungrateful.

I'd also not be happy about the way she speaks to you and allocates jobs. You're not her hired help and even if you were, she should be nicer.

I'd go back to your home and leave him to it. Getting treated like a second class citizen isn't very nice.

Whitecup4 · 15/02/2021 18:48

Firstly I’d move back home. It’s only painful for you because you live your DH and feel like his having the piss taken out of him. No one wants to see their partner treated that way.

It’s his choice really but I’d strongly suggest to him he comes home and starts nipping this in the bud before it becomes way worse than what it is now.

DeRigueurMortis · 15/02/2021 18:54

If MIL is so unhappy with the standard of care her DS and you are providing then the obvious response is to stop doing it.

As pp's have said you need to move home and take a step back.

Her behaviour isn't normal - shes a manipulative bully and frankly unless you want decades of the this crap I'd strongly suggest you don't move deeper into your relationship (marriage/children) until you're confident your partner has established some very clear boundaries.

Get the Toxic Parents book by Susan Forward and tell your partner to read it.

If he won't move back home with you, go without him and don't visit at the weekends - he can come to you. If he won't then I think you have a really big decision to make about the viability of this relationship.

AnotherKrampus · 15/02/2021 19:25

First step is to get out of there ASAP. Your DP's mum seems to have mistaken her son for a serf and you are now the designated maid. Like others said, your DP needs to be on board and prioritise your relationship and stop acting like a martyr.

lazylump72 · 15/02/2021 19:36

Hi OP just wanted to say you deserve a medal for putting up with being so shabbily treated for so long.Neither you or your bf deserve such terrible behaviour as has been displayed.Not one ounce of gratitude shown towards both of you having given up your lives to help,its unbelievable.You cannot have a moments peace and thats just beyond terrible.Time to fight back I would suggest,Explain to bf you simply cannot carry on this way any longer,Neither of you are living you are simply existing and what for? Your intentions were lovely and kind and its been thrown back at you continually.its not on.You are both being used as skivvies for a right cow of a woman and her daughter.You will never ever have a decent relationship with either of them as they have abused you too much and your despair will turn to hatred very soon naturally.You need to get out with him or without him,,you are way too young to be trapped in this vicious cycle of nothingness. What would you advise your best friend? You cannot win here you arent dealing with right minded people sadly.They seem to lack all morals and you cannot change that,You tried your hardest and gave your all for the right reasons and thats a wonderful thing you did but it hasnt worked out that way,,their fauklt not yours,This says way more about them than it ever could of you,Give in now and go live in peace,You cannot change your bf either he has to value himself and you more ,He will come to realise in time but its his own journey hes on with his parents and do you really want ot wait to see if he can ever find the strength?He may never do this who knows? I am really sorry for you but you sort you out and let him sort him out,You going might be the push he needs to make him see whats before him.Dont close the door to him but this life is not the one you can sustain any longer before it makes your mental health go wonky.Be strong and say enough is enough for you anyway.Be straight be strong and be honest but most of all look after you.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2021 22:19

I think it will be a big test of your relationship, but you need to move out ASAP. If he comes, then fine, otherwise the relationship is not going to last if he won’t leave his mum. He is mired deep in the FOG, isn’t he?

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