Coping after an affair

[hurtmomma]

Hi All,

My husband had an affair around 2 years ago. He started a new job and got friendly with the boss. Around 3 months in, I found out and forgave him straight away. He told me he'd ended it. He left his job and cut all contact.

A year later, after battling with each other and arguing. I found out he didn't end it and they carried on secretly via email. Reading the emails from her, the relationship was an 'emotional' one so they were adamant they could make it work. I found all the messages on the iPad. They had been meeting up in his dinner half hour. Having sleezy sex in the back of her car.

This time I kicked him out and removed him from my life. He begged and begged me to take him back. Threw himself into making it up to me, promised me he'd removed her from his life. He gave me all of his passwords, access to his phone, tells me where he is all the time. 1 and a half years on, Over time, I don't check his phone, I don't check up on him and I genuinely think we can move on. Although he knows he was to blame for hurting me, he also hates her because she was so persistent and manipulative.

Then this wave of anger, sadness, insecurity comes. We have been together for 14 years and have 3 beautiful children. We've always been best friends, a really happy home and lots of beautiful memories. I can't help hating him for ruining that, I hate that he hurt me so much. I hate that he let another women come into our lives. I'm sad that our marriage is tainted, I'm sad that the person I loved has changed me as a person forever. Sometimes when we have sex, (we have a healthy sex life) I can't stop thinking about if he's wishing it was her, or if she's did things better.

On the whole, it's been a lot better but will these feelings ever go because I don't know if I can keep battling these feelings anymore. I'm scared to breakup our home and I'm scared on what decision to make for our children. We are a happy family but my mind is always whirring and I can't seem to shut it down 😞

Any advice from similar situations would be much appreciated x

I think, because the first time he did it you took him back straight away. They rarely stop all communication as you have found out. Unfortunately he will probably do it again. You are free to stay but you have to get personal help and therapy (not with him) to work through your betrayed feelings. From personal experience and reading on MN you are likely to be in a life of misery, pitted with a bit of happiness then the pain and angst returns years and years later. You have to admit to yourself that you choose to stay with the cheater and thats ok. No one can tell you to leave if you dont want to. Accept all that he has done, accept he may do it again but if he does what will you do then? Once you choose to radically accept you are staying through no other choice but your own then be free from your thoughts as they will help no one. This is your life, your choice, your consequence, your thoughts have no space left in your mind. Stand up and say to yourself "despite the pain and humiliation he has put me through I choose to stay"...then get on with your life that you say is a 'happy family'. Good luck.

Once the trust is gone sometimes there is no going back.
He chose to betray you repeatedly, how can you ever believe anything he tells you now?

You aren’t the one breaking up the family, he did that through his actions.

Do you think if you decide to stay with him, could you ever move past what he did? Or would it be something that would always be lurking in the background and you just have to accept it will always be there?

Your feelings of ambivalence are entirely valid - you don't want to give up on the idea of resurrecting the happy life you thought you had, but yet your best friend, your life partner, the father to your children, the person who you trusted to stand beside you through good and bad, has betrayed you, lied to you and done that fully knowing the damage it would do. He went ahead and did it, then repeated the offense, and now had the temerity to try the old "manipulative seductress" routine to try and shift the blame away to the OW. So he's a gutless liar who can't take moral responsibility for what he did to the person he was supposed to cherish and love and care for. I'm not sure, honestly, that's a person I'd consider as a best friend or partner. So whilst I might carry on coolly in the marriage, I wouldn't want it to go back to the way it was. I don't see how it possibly could.

Regarding your sex life, making love to a man who you know was sleeping with someone else, can be soul destroying. That, for many people in a long term relationship, is where we feel most connected, most loving, most intimate. Having your headspace invaded by thoughts of his infidelity is distressing, alienating and deeply unsexy. I would explain that to him in no uncertain terms.

Personally I would want him out of my bed until I'd worked through my feelings a lot more. Sex isn't going to magically fix this. He can't prove his love or remorse for you through sex, it just won't work.

I think you need to urgently get yourself some counselling, without him, as he has properly messed you up and sorting this out is going to be a very long, slow journey and no one can say where it will take you. Healing might lead you away from the marriage. Absolutely no one, including your children, would blame you for that outcome.

"We're a happy family"

I'm sorry op but just going off you post you dont sound it. You dont need to force yourself to be okay, not for yourself or your children. You're clearly struggling and that's okay, this is a massive breach of trust and loyalty and I doubt any relationship after an affair is ever the same again.
I dont have much advice to offer however I would say to be honest with your feelings to dh. Otherwise it will eat you up and turn into resentment. You have every right to feel this way. But it's only up to you whether you can truly move on from it, if not you might find your happiness lies outside of this marriage. Goodluck op

Did you both go to relationship counselling? Whilst I am the one of the first to tell someone to LTB when someone cheats, I do know some relationships can be salvaged if the cheater is completely transparent and will go above and beyond to repair the situation. You have a lot of unresolved resentment which is all very valid. It takes an awfully long time for a relationship to recover when both parties want it to work, so if you haven't had counselling, arrange it now.

I’m in a similar position OP and it might be helpful to hear something other than the LTB point of view. For me it’s 18 months since I found out and it’s still difficult though very slowly getting less so. We are having relationship counselling and I am having my own individual therapy now too. I would absolutely advise it, external support is really valuable on this.
He has had to be completely open with me to build my trust. It was a work colleague too and he tells me whenever he has to have any contact even by email, and avoids it as much as possible. It still eats away at me though and I know I sometimes allow myself to get into negative mind frames.
My therapist has said that the way forward is to concentrate on myself. To build my own confidence and happiness so I see myself as someone he would not want to lose. This is my plan but early days. If you’d like to talk off line I’m happy to - sometimes the responses on here can be a bit brutal.

@MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw

I’m in a similar position OP and it might be helpful to hear something other than the LTB point of view. For me it’s 18 months since I found out and it’s still difficult though very slowly getting less so. We are having relationship counselling and I am having my own individual therapy now too. I would absolutely advise it, external support is really valuable on this. He has had to be completely open with me to build my trust. It was a work colleague too and he tells me whenever he has to have any contact even by email, and avoids it as much as possible. It still eats away at me though and I know I sometimes allow myself to get into negative mind frames. My therapist has said that the way forward is to concentrate on myself. To build my own confidence and happiness so I see myself as someone he would not want to lose. This is my plan but early days. If you’d like to talk off line I’m happy to - sometimes the responses on here can be a bit brutal.

Thank you. That's would be great to talk? I'm not very confident on using mums net so I'm not sure how to go offline? Xx

Thank you all for taking the time out to comment. It is all very valid what you say and appreciate everything xx

Agree with the PP who said work on your own happiness but not for the reason to make yourself someone he wouldn't want to leave. Rebuild friendships and family relationships (if you've tended to put your DH first). Put your own interests/career back into the foreground if need be.
Don't make your entire life about your DH.
I've no idea if thats the case with you but it was for me. Stay with him for the time being but you may find once you build a life of your own, separating isn't so terrifying.

There's nothing that you need to do OP. It's all on him. He needs to rebuild your trust. It's a slow process and won't happen over night.
Allow yourself space and time to recover.

I've great piece of advice I received in therapy was to put the drama in a box. Don't avoid it all together, but don't let it be all your relationship is about. Still invest in the relationship, in the good side and the fun. Build your intimacy and your friendship back up. Then return to the "box" when you need to.

Set aside time to talk about your feelings, progress and struggles.

Remember the door is always open. Choosing to try to make it work doesn't mean you're trapped. He took your choice away but now you're in control. You can choose to walk away as an informed adult. X

@Sunshineonarainydayy

Totally agree with your post, great advice

I am writing as someone who had an affair
His wife had very strong suspicions our affair carried on for another 6 months. He was extra careful. It's over now and I imagine he has moved on to his next affair. I was one in a long line of affairs. He was very selfish.
Do you want to always be suspicious

I’m so sorry your feeling the way you are sweetie. I’m coming from a very similar place . Sorry this is a long one, I really relate to your story and I have been thinking of you since yesterday wondering if I should speak up.

I’m 4 years in now 2 darn perfect dc s lovely home ,lovely life . But we are now finally divorced . It has been a long road to get me to this point. My husband had an emotional affair( similar circumstances ) . He also made all the right noises ,he did his best to convince me that he loathed the OW and was some how coerced into the planned escape to love island with her.
(The typical speech)

At the time a family member told me that the only reason he begged to come home was for selfish reasons, to not seem like a bad father and to not have to live in a crappy little flat alone. I mean what man wants to give up his kingdom? At the time I said No! He is here because he loves me, I realise now that I had to believe him to stay with him. It was also my grand victory over the OW saving me family.

But now I realise that she is actually the lucky one, she did not end up with all the pain and distrust, I did. Since my separation I have discovered many missing pieces to the story. I only ever had his side of events , engineered by him. He was telling both parties exactly what they wanted to hear. His worst nightmare was me talking to the OW .I calmly did this year.I wish I had much earlier, Instead of spending 2 years feeling so sad and angry sometimes at the wrong person.

I totally understand about the sex ,it was never the same afterwards. Please don’t wake up in another two years still feeling the same. I found myself trying to keep him happy, trying to better her in bed. How ridiculous this all sounds now. I stalked her social media periodically wanting to see her suffering from my victory , she didn't her life was normal and calm after all she did not end up with a cheat. It was a lightbulb moment for me.

I no longer feel bitter I feel brave and finally calm. I gave him my best years ,I felt discarded and inadequate for so long but deep down I knew the truth I knew he was just there to save himself. I just had to accept it to save my sanity.

I did still love and hate him at the same time, these were the most confusing feelings of all.
At times I felt crazy.

There is some really good advice from others here. Mine isn’t advice it’s just my mutual experience . Your situation is individual to you , but you are not alone. I hope things work out for you and your children. Lots of love.

@Pammymum22 I'm not very good at using mumsnet but I think i've sent you a private message x

You sound like a lovely sweet lady. Don't let him turn you into anything else. Take care. X

This is the line that stood out for me

Although he knows he was to blame for hurting me, he also hates her because she was so persistent and manipulative.

I’m sorry but this shows he is not accepting responsibility. He knew what he stood to lose yet he carried on, if he had any remorse then he wouldn’t have done that. I’m sure he did beg and plead, my ex did too but this didn’t stop him cheating again. You deserve better OP!