Lack of romance with older kids around

[Rgy3250999]

Is anyone else finding it tough to have any couple time with older children that don’t go to bed early? I haven’t struggled too much with Covid and the lockdowns but it is starting to get to me. My children are at home all week; I love them dearly but it’s stressful with encouraging home learning and working from home. Even finding quiet places for us all to work from has been tough, with 4 of us at home (my husband goes out to work). I have bad cabin fever, despite going for a good walk every evening and I’m sick of these four walls.

My children are now of an age where they don’t do early bedtimes. They will sometimes spend a bit of time in their rooms but we have more downstairs space so they’re generally floating about all evening and at the weekends. They’re not really old enough to go out on their own though or to be left home alone for long. Evenings and weekends are spent with me and DH exercising alone, we eat as a family and often end up watching tv all together. This is good of course but after a full day of their company, I’m finding it hard to be mum again all evening and at weekends.

When I go on my walks, I find myself daydreaming of being able to finish work and go for a long walk with my husband, hand in hand, but of course the kids don’t want to walk more than half an hour or they’ll moan and spoil it. I’m thinking of how nice it must feel to be romantic with someone and have them notice you, whereas I just feel like mum and wife. It’s got to the point where I don’t want to come home again after a walk, even if it’s getting late.

My DH wasn’t massively affectionate before Covid and we didn’t have a lot of sex, but t it’s dwindled even further now the kids are constantly at home. My DH makes me feel like I’ve got a big issue with the kids and him enjoying each other’s company, but it’s not that; it’s just that I am desperate for some 1-1 time. I don’t think he would care too much if we all spent 24-7 together, as long as we all got on, but I need alone time to feel connected to him and switch off from mum/wife.

I have found myself thinking how it would be to split up and meet someone else so he can spend all his time happily with the kids and I can have a few hours a week being an adult with someone who doesn’t just see me as a mum and wife. I really miss passion and any excitement. I feel bored, tired and old and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break my family up and my DH is a lovely man but I feel so down and he doesn’t get it.

Anyone else in the same boat?

How old are they? Surely if they're old enough to choose their betimes then you and DH can leave them for a bit and have a walk??

Just as a side note and so I’m not drip-feeding, it’s half term and we can’t go anywhere and do much. The kids don’t want to walk far, they’re happy to doss at home and I feel like I’m wasting a week of my annual leave to do nothing. It drains me to not do anything all day. I can go for a walk but it’s alone, unless I force them all to go round the block with me.

My DH and I are just tackling a few DIY jobs to fill the week but it’s so dull and I’ve contemplated cancelling my leave and working instead so it’s just my DH at home. I can’t even think at the moment that I can put some leave in when the kids are at school though and do something for myself or spent alone time with DH because there isn’t any school.

10, 12 and 13 so not old enough to be left for very long. I’d love to go for a decent hike and have some company for a change but they don’t want to do this and don’t like being at home for more than 30 mins alone.

Don’t get me wrong, we can nip the dog round the block and they’re fine at home but when you have nothing else to fill your evenings and weekends (and now a whole week of annual leave), I want to be out the house for a while. It’s driving me mad to have nothing to do and no purpose.

Mine is 3 and has never gone to sleep before 9pm. Nor will he sleep on his own, so we have to take turns sleeping in his room. It’s nearly led us to get divorced because we barely see each other and are never alone together. And that was before Covid! It’s even worse now because we can’t get a babysitter and go out for the evening. We haven’t been alone together at all for the past year.

I’ve thought about divorcing so we can both have alone time with another partner while the other has DS. Because there’s zero chance of us having time together in the foreseeable future. My mum has admitted that I didn’t sleep either and that’s why she divorced my dad - because they didn’t have any time alone together for several years and it destroyed their relationship.

@Greendoonan Thank you for confirming it’s not just me. I feel terrible for feeling this way and it’s not because my kids aren’t important but I feel totally lost as an individual. I’m not that old but feel life is just disappearing at the moment.

I wouldn’t mind it so much if my DH was on the same page and I thought he missed me like I missed him, but he makes me feel selfish for having these feelings. He’s quite happy to get in from work, doss about with the kids and go to bed. I know he loves me and is a really lovely person, but when you don’t get any alone time, his way of doing things makes me feel really alone.

Sorry you’re feeling the same way x

What choice is there though? There’s no way to get space from kids who don’t go to bed early. You can’t kiss or have sex when they’re in the room and there’s no way to escape them unless you get a babysitter and go out, which is impossible right now. Your feelings (and mine) are valid but I don’t see any solution, we just have to put up with it.

I tell you what I'd do. I'd be going to bed early with DH and a laptop. Tell your DH it's important that you spend time together alone....make sure you're very clear...explain that what's acceptable to him doesn't have to be for you...and that people are different.

Once a week go to bed together at 7 or 8 and watch a film. Explain to the DC that it's important you both get some time together as usually you'd be out on a date.

My Dh and I do similar...not because I thought of it but because DH was like you and wasn't happy with no time alone together.

When he explained it, I understood then.

Yep, completely understand. I have three DC 13, 12 and 6 and the eldest two aren't in bed till gone 10 at the moment, which is too late for me and DH to then eat a romantic meal dinner together or even cuddle up on the sofa to watch a movie without me falling asleep during it. And the 6 yr old is too young to be left home alone so no trips out just the two of us.

I love spending time with my DCs but I so miss quality one-to-one time with my husband. Luckily he feels the same way so we're currently planning a romantic getaway when restrictions are lifted and the grandparents can look after the kids. Can't wait!!

We used to have sex in the locked en suite.
Your feelings are valid sorry your hubby doesn't see the importance of alone time.