Hi,
I’m currently NC with my mum; I feel satisfied with the reasons why but still somehow can’t shake a feeling of guilt and that it’s ‘my fault’ - how do you overcome this? Sorry if this is so long, just don’t want to drip feed!
Bit of background, my mum and my gran (mum is an only child) have always been what I consider to be ‘unusual’ and everything always has to be a massive drama where they’re concerned. My gran is completely no holds barred, thinks I’m her child, fed me up to obesity as a child out of ‘love’, never seeing anything wrong with that and said if I ever didn’t speak to her she would basically want to kill herself. Very brief, there’s a lot more but! My grandad passed two years ago this year and whilst I know there isn’t a timeline for grief, still writes cards from him including to my DS who wasn’t born before he passed.
My childhood memories of my mum aren’t happy either and being a parent has brought a lot of that to the fore for me. I remember her dragging me along the hall by my hair before, opening and slamming a door repeatedly in my face whilst screaming because I was crying for my dad (they split when I was very young), buying me puppies then, rather than role modelling how to look after one, just rehoming them because as a child, who, obviously isn’t going to look after a puppy, they just want the cuteness (!). On one occasion I remember being so heartbroken, then overjoyed because it hadn’t worked out so the puppy was coming back but then she rehomed him again a while later; sounds silly but it’s things that are impressionable on a child.
As a young child she invented a story of a naughty girls home and had me convinced and terrified that the minute I misbehaved, the owner of this school was coming to get me. If I didn’t behave ‘well’ she’d pack me off to live with my dad for a week or so. If I didn’t seem grateful enough for a present or an occasion, she would go in a massive ‘mood’ with me - one birthday I didn’t want to smile for a photo so that was it and on my 18th birthday, because I didn’t want loads of photos and was excited to have my dad there, she decided she was going to leave early, leaving me at this hotel party night so I had no choice but to go back with my dad with no spare clothes etc.
On a holiday, because I hadn’t seemed grateful on an excursion the prior evening, I woke up to her just not speaking to me and storming out of the hotel room with me practically chasing them to work out what I’d done.
She was married twice, once to my brothers dad who was an alcoholic and then her next ex who assaulted me and controlled every aspect of life, hiding food and saying I couldn’t eat it because I needed to learn boundaries and trying to get my brother and I to sign a chores contract as well as hitting or kicking the dogs. It got to the point where I would never leave my room or always be out of the house and she never addressed that. She’s always maintained I’ve always had the love and support in life.
As I’ve got older everything happy in my life she always has something negative to say. She will always say ‘tell me if you need anything’ but never proactively help or promise to help with something, e.g. moving house but then not turn up and blame it on me not contacting her. My wedding, because she was contributing and my dad couldn’t, she said she wouldn’t go if he went after not paying. My brother decided to move out so I got a massive message about how much of a failure of a mother she must be.
This Xmas, I told her what time was best for visiting for DS’ first Xmas which she read but didn’t reply. She then didn’t turn up and messaged on the night saying she supposed it was too late then came of the stance with my gran that I hadn’t told her when to come. It was the final straw for me and I’ve been NC since. I guess I just hoped she would make the effort for him since she goes on about how much she loves him, but has never been there for him.
My gran has hounded me since with how hurtful it is to her that I’m not speaking and when I tried to explain some of the above, called me bitter and she could never see my mum doing those things. I had a letter off my mum but it was all about her basically, one line said sorry but then it went off on a tangent about how we haven’t been there for my gran and no one has asked my mum how she’s been since my grandad died. I’ve had PND and gone through it all alone which she knew.
How do you overcome these feelings, I still feel like the bad person and it’s draining? Thank you