'Interracial' relationship... not sure about the looks

[Firelightfireflight]

Been in a relationship for a few months now with a black man, I'm white woman. Obviously due to lockdown we are not out and about together a lot. We live in an semi rural area in South West where there is very low BME. This is first time dated a black man and I've noticed more and more the looks we seem to get when we are out.... some are totally unreadable... some I dread to think... but just not sure why people need to stare.
Anyone else had this, and words of advice?

Are the looks definitely negative / judging in some way - or are they just nosey / interested? The latter is annoying also I imagine, but you could decide not to be bothered. I had three black boyfriends through my single years and I dont recall getting any odd looks - but this was central London. Altho Im not sure I would have noticed....one was becoming famous at the time (and is now v famous) and he simply ooozed charisma / sparkle so he got looks for that reason (while I worried I wasnt good enough, of course).

I'm white and I've had it when travelling around/living in areas where there are less white people. I think people just tend to notice things or people that stand out for one reason or another. I usually smile at them, which disarms them. Its also harder to be mean to someone who smiles at you.

I'm white and live in a very white area and I used to date a black guy, he used to say people were staring and I naively played it down. I genuinely believed he was imagining it or that if someone was looking it would be because he was handsome. Then one day an old white woman in the supermarket shook her head at me for being with him! I didn't realise racism was as bad as it is, family friends and work colleagues made horrible comments or jokes about him being black and it really did break my heart as I just didn't see it coming

I'm in a mixed relationship currently and when we managed to go out for a meal last summer an older white woman stared at us the entire time. Maybe it wasn't due to us being mixed but it made us uncomfortable regardless

I'm Indian and dated a black man once for two years. Mostly had a lot of trouble from other Indians, who all felt they had the right to say things directly to my face. I'm quite tough though and ignored it all, I even had death threats. He couldn't stand it though. I've dated white men and had less problems, oddly

I'm black and have a white husband, we just ignore people who stare. Or the husband says aloud 'you're only black person around here'. That really pisses me off. I just smile at them, continue our conversation and go about our business.

We travel abroad a lot & around the UK, we don't hold hands (H is not that kind of person), but I have an autistic lad who requires our attention. DH has had the odd look (& one intervention) as in why is he getting physically involved with our boy (who is black). It pisses DH off, but to be honest we have more important stuff to deal with.
It is clear we are family, and we don't care who knows it. We're happy.

You'll get there with time. The people who look (& tut), clearly have nothing better to do.

Squirrel134 you are so relaxed and tolerant of this. "& tut". Are you serious - there is tutting? I feel excessively annoyed on your behalf at the tiny worlds some people still live in. Excuse my ignorance but what is the 'tut' objecting to - literally 'I dont approve of this couple'??

Yes, there is the odd tut. But what can you do? I'm not going to have an argument with someone like that.
We've even been asked by an practically empty Indian restuarant in Wales to leave, to be fair, I think that was cos' of the boy.

It would only ruin our day.

I live in London , no one bats an eyelid.

I remember around 2001 when I was in America with my then boyfriend who was black - we were walking down the street and a little girl literally stopped and gawked at us in shock. We were a bit like er wtf.

A girl we met told us it just doesn't happen there. Maybe things have changed since over there but we were shocked because even then , we didn't experience any issues in London.

Really don't worry. As PP have said, people are just generally curious and like to people-watch, or even just like seeing a couple being happy with each other . In places with a more mixed population (eg London), literally no one cares.

Enjoy your relationship don't give the glances another thought

I'm black and my husband is white. We no longer notice the stares and he has never cared what people think. He brought up his black stepsons since they were toddlers and everyone in our rural area now just seems to accept our unique looking family. I find myself staring and smiling at couples who look like mine but they'd have no idea why as husband isn't often with me. It's all positive vibes from me though!

I would just feel special & if they kept staring ,I’d say can I help you ? We aren’t doing any autographs today , so sorry .

Some great advice here, thanks. There are looks of interest (mainly I'm sure at how damn fit he is!!), which is a softer look and people then look away. Then there's the stare, thats different. We have talked about it. He is from London but been here few years now so is used to be looked at but a week or so ago he did say 'what is wrong with me today, people are really staring'. Ah well, just makes me feel closer to him to be honest and anyone who doesn't like it can go feck themselves

I had a 4yr relationship with a black man, I'm white. We never noticed a problem being out together in large cities (London, Sheffield, Birmingham) but we briefly lived in a small town in rural-ish Derbyshire and it was really bad there. It was overwhelmingly white population.

The first week we moved in, we went to the local pub for a well-earned pint after a hard day unpacking and we basically got stared at from start to finish. And they were very definitely disapproving stares. We were bloody minded and spent the entire evening playing pool rather than slinking off home, but we never went back and we broke our rental contract after 4 months and moved to Derby. Never had a second glance there.

There is a part of me that says "But if all mixed race couples give up and move to urban areas then the non-mixed areas will take that much longer to get with the program" but as the majority ethnic in the relationship, it wasn't, and shouldn't have been, my call. The stress of constantly dealing with low-level racism and microaggressions (not to mention ocassional overt racist abuse) and the toll that takes on mental health should not be under-estimated. Nobody should feel they have to throw themselves under the bus in order to pave the way for future generations.

I think PPs advice about being very nice and smiley when you get looks is good. Catch more flies with honey, etc. Challenging people's pre-conceptions and prejudices in a positive way is a good thing. Don't ever put yourselves at risk, though.

@ColdBrightClearMorning

White woman married to an Asian (Indian) guy.

The only time we’ve had noticeable stares is in DH’s hometown where there’s a large community of other British Indians, it’s seen as forbidden generally to date White people so we get a lot of funny looks. Of course this is separate to the racist comments and the looks DH gets on his own for being brown and wearing a turban.

Can’t say it bothers me.

Your DP will be well versed in dealing with and noticing this stuff, have you ever asked him about it? Whether it bothers him, how he deals with it?

It’s just kinda an open topic of conversation for us. For example certain places if we go into a pub we’ve never been in before we have a code when looking for a table that if DH squeezes my hand we walk straight back out as he can obviously sense from the place and clientele whether we’re going to get any bother or whether he feels comfortable. He won’t go to the seaside for days out as it’s just not worth the hassle for him.

I am so disgusted and saddened re seaside comment . How on earth does someone's skin colour impact on anybody ? It is so sad that in 2021 this is the case for some.

It is very sad. I honestly had no idea about the daily pressures of overt and covert racism many non White people face in the U.K. until I met my DH. Of course, why would I? I have the enormous privilege of being able to move around as a White person being the ‘default’ and not standing out or being made a target.

I love the seaside so much and it was a big part of my life growing up so it’s sad I can’t share that with DH but I would never expect him to go there, it would be incredibly wrong of me to ask him to, he’s the expert on this. I would like to go with our son when he’s older just the two of us but it does give me pause for thought how he’ll be received as a bi racial child and whether I want to subject him to it.

I think people don’t understand, it’s the stares. It’s the being made to feel like an oddity and curiosity, feeling threatened and out of place and scrutinised. The verbal abuse is awful too but DH finds the nonverbal stuff just as bad. It saddens me to see the comments on here from people admitting they stare because it’s unusual but they mean no harm: you can’t help the initial catching of your eye but staring is rude and can be perceived as threatening so it’s really on you as an adult to find a way to catch yourself when you’re staring and avert your gaze as soon as possible instead of continue staring, whether your thoughts are ‘ooh, how exotic and unusual!’ (Urgh) or ‘fuck off back home’ the receiver can’t know and both are intimidating and cruel to be subjected to.

Course you can go to the seaside! We go 'all the time' in Essex mainly, and in other parts of the country like Scarborough.
The seaside is open to everyone, everywhere . Don't let silly people (who you don't know) put you off from going places.

I'm not saying it's always easy, there is always the odd person. But, most people won't care enough to actually say anything, and looks are just looks, they will look away if you look directly at them. To be fair some people just like to look at happy couples, it's cheering!
Don't get wound up by things like this, it will only put on unnecessary stress on your relationship, there are other more important challenges in relationships & life.

Concentrate on the joy in your life and your companionship.

Was that a serious comment @Squirrel134? I’m flabbergasted.

Yes, it was.
If I spent my life worrying about other people's actions and possible thoughts (which I have in the past), I would be a very stressed out and upset person.

When I was growing up, we were one of the two black families our side of town. And my parents didn't even speak to the other black family & sadly their kids went to a different school. I like to think & treat people as individuals, but some people just see people as groups, and can't see past that.

I don't mean to belittle the problem in some places and for some people, but this is how I deal with it. It works for me, I have (have had) enough other challenges in my life to focus on.

My DH over time has also become more blase about things. We just laugh at the pettiness of some people and avoid them, where possible.

@Profpickles

I used to date a black guy, he used to say people were staring and I naively played it down.

It's good that you recognise this, as quite often white people think black people are paranoid and imagining it.

@ColdBrightClearMorning
I think it's really a sad state of affairs that you can't go to the seaside. Have you been together and had a bad experience? Or do you anticipate it because of where you live.

@ginandwineandbaileys

I've dated white men and had less problems, oddly

I don't think it's so odd actually. I have worked with and had Indian friends who said their families and communities didn't like them marrying outside of their race, but said black are the worse.

Comments like If she had to step out why with a black guy. or It's bad enough she didn't marry an Indian man, but a black one ... It was seen as shame bringing shame on the family. It's because black people are perceived as being at the bottom of the pile.

OP... I think a lot of people still see interracial couples as not the norm. It seems to take them aback. I'm black and when I see interracial couples, it stands out more than a same race couples.

I don't stare, I sometimes smile and in my mind I think, I hope their families are accepting of each other...as I had a black colleague married to a white man.

Her MIL said to her that when they have a baby, it will be like bouncing a little monkey on your lap. That's just one of the racist comments she made, but I always thought, why did she marry into such a racist family.
She knew they were racist before she married him. Her DH wasn't, but his parents and siblings were.

It's one of my fears that my DC marry someone, whose family are racist and unwelcoming to them. Amidst a lot of my advice to them (like don't marry someone with kids or with a large age gap and more) I say this as well. It's one thing if the person is no or very low contact with their family.

Not in the UK.

So sad to read these posts. Where l live, in the South East, no one would give a second glance.