Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Why does my ex want to catch up?

53 replies

varbie89 · 14/02/2021 16:08

Ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost a year. He broke up with me the end of November 2020 and expressed that he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but it was the best decision he could do at the time. After the breakup, he still has expressed doubts. I stupidly kept in contact and we're still in contact to this day, although it is predominately been initiated by me. We have had the odd 1-hour phone call wich we never really did previously. However, I really want to change that. So I've deleted our texts and his number so technically, if he wants to chase after me, he has to plus it alleviates any temptation which I had been doing.

So I made a previous post. He got in contact with me again and said he would like to see me but still thinks it was the right decision to break up, it's almost like he's telling me this in case I think he wants to be back together. I asked him whether he's doing it to appease me and he said no. I asked him if he just wants to be friends and he said no. I said is it a friendly meet up and he said yes. I've told him that I cannot be just friends with him however and he understood.

I really wish I would have gone straight into no contact but anyway.

So, I've decided to pull back and if he wants to chase up seeing me. I didn't respond to his last message and then he sent me a text the other morning saying "Morning :) when this week suits you well?"

Looks like we'll have dinner together.

I just find it odd that he's chasing up to see me but doesn't want to be just friends, said in one of his other texts that it's not to get back together (so he claims) and isn't doing it to appease me. I don't think he wants sex either as when I saw him in December 2020, he was very anti any sort of affection/intimacy from me. In fact, he was rejecting me.

I still like/love this man. Do I see him? Why does he want to catch up?

OP posts:

Jackie2022 · 14/02/2021 18:22

As in, he’s only reaching out to you because he currently has no one else. He’s just using you.

Goldieloxx · 14/02/2021 18:24

If you get sacked from your job, you don't turn up and work for free. Don't be friends with an ex!

FatCatThinCat · 14/02/2021 18:25

He's told you he doesn't want to be with you. He told you he doesn't even want to be friends with you. He's also told you he's worried that he's making a mistake. So he's keeping you dangling in case he doesn't find anyone else. You're his plan B.

So tell him to sling his hook and save yourself the heartache.

GinIsNotOriginal · 14/02/2021 21:29

I feel your pain- I have/am in a similar situation.
Why does he want to catch up? Probably curiosity, boredom, some old feelings have resurfaced, convenience and familiarity.

Realistically you probably shouldn’t go, but I wouldn’t blame you for going if that makes sense. I would go (because I’m terribly!)

CatRamsey · 14/02/2021 22:23

So he doesn't want to be friends but he doesn't want to be something more either and you say he doesn't want sex... So what does he want then? He's messing you around. I wouldn't give him the time of day. Block and move on.

okokok000 · 14/02/2021 22:28

@CallforHecate

He’s messing you around. Move on.

This with bells on.

If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't be "unsure" and wouldn't be messing with your head like this.

It's probably an attention / ego thing whilst he continues looking / dating for someone more suited to him. Not saying this to be harsh, but he'll only mess you around if you let him. Don't give him that opportunity.

Original poster

varbie89 · 15/02/2021 07:05

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. This prick hurt me so badly in the end. I guess no contact/ghosting would prove to him I'm not going to be just some doormat to him. He claims he has so much respect for me and would never keep me as a backburner. Lies.

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 15/02/2021 07:12

He's after a shag and an ego boost, nothing more. He's using you.

Block and move on

Dozer · 15/02/2021 07:15

V bad decision maintaining contact: you can change that and hugely reduce your emotional pain any time you choose.

newbie222 · 15/02/2021 07:26

He wants to meet you because he has told you clear as day that he doesn’t want to get back with you. You have accepted that but yet you keep telling him that you aren’t over him. He thinks - “Lovely, that means I’ll get a few easy shags out of this without feeling as though I have to commit”.

Do not get yourself involved in being a booty call.

JemimaRacktool · 15/02/2021 07:33

Maybe take part in the Freedom Program?

You need boundaries OP. Stop being blown by the wind so much. Be stronger.

saleboat · 15/02/2021 07:35

You got the same advice on another thread. Creating another thread hoping for a different outcome is exactly the same as going back to him and hoping for a different outcome.

Where are your boundaries? Listen to what he's telling you, he's not interested in getting back together. Listen to what posters are telling you on your threads. You're deluded to think this will go any other way than you being used and heartbroken.

Ghosteontoast · 15/02/2021 07:40

Dinner at his place, or is he angling for a cooked meal at yours as well as a shag? Will he bring his laundry round too?

Original poster

varbie89 · 15/02/2021 07:51

@Ghosteontoast dinner at a restaurant, apparently.

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/02/2021 08:13

Restaurant suggests he has something to tell you that you're not going to like. Wants a public space to stop you freaking out. Now dating one of your friends perhaps?

Original poster

varbie89 · 15/02/2021 08:26

@Thingsdogetbetter well possibly. But I suggested a restaurant, near home for me. As I had a feeling he would've asked me to come near him.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 15/02/2021 08:34

He’s breadcrumbing you. Giving you enough to keep you around but making sure he can say he never committed to anything and so you can’t get upset.

The more time you spend thinking about him means you don’t have the opportunity to move on and find someone who really wants to be with you. Don’t you deserve better??

Washimal · 15/02/2021 08:48

The fact that when he dumped you he said he "wasn't sure it was the right thing to do" speaks volumes...cleverly keeping his options open there wasn't he? That's the sort of thing men say when they want to be free to enjoy the single life but make sure they give you a little crumb of hope to keep you in their thrall and prevent you from moving on. That way if they're ever bored and lonely they can walk back into your life and out again without any sense of responsibility...it's not their fault, they're so confused, poor things. Such a selfish and cowardly way to end a relationship.

Now here he goes again! He's said he doesn't want to get back together (so no-one can outright accuse him of leading you on and he doesn't have to feel bad if you get 'the wrong idea') but he's still leaving you those little crumbs...hints, clues, even turning on the waterworks to keep you guessing and hoping that he might still have feelings for you. He doesn't want to get back together but doesn't want to be just friends either...well, that's nice and clear for you isn't it? Perhaps he's confused again, poor thing or more likely he's angling for a fuck-buddy situation (but hasn't got the balls to actually come out and say it) or he wants you to try it on with him so he can reject you (like he did in December) because it gives his ego a boost. Maybe he's just bored. Either way it's a shitty thing to do to someone who is still very obviously hung up on you.

Why would you have dinner with a man who dumped you, rejected you again a month later and is now messing with your head yet again?? Stop torturing yourself and block him. No good can come of this.

newbie222 · 15/02/2021 09:02

Why are you giving this man any of your time? I know we are all a bit bored at the moment but Jesus Christ block and delete him.
Restaurants won’t be open until April so I don’t think that is what he will be waiting for.

If you meet him at yours he will tell you a few rehearsed lines about how ‘he does miss you’ but ‘I just can’t commit right now’. Then he will fuck you and leave you hanging on a string for as long as it suits him.

We are all saying this in some way or another.

Forget this prick.

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 15/02/2021 09:14

He’s told you on lots of occasions he doesn’t want to be with you. Why are you putting yourself through this? Why are you giving this guy any time or energy, he’s said he doesn’t want you?

Sn0tnose · 15/02/2021 09:23

I think he’s either uncertain whether he’s made the right choice so wants to keep things on good terms in case there’s nothing better out there and he wants to come back, or he’s feeling guilty and it would ease his conscience tremendously if you were to be friendly with him, so he can tell himself that you’re fine with what he’s done. Either way, what’s in it for you?

He doesn’t want to get back with you, he’s not wanting to meet up to appease you and, understandably, you can’t be friends with him. So what on earth is the point in meeting him? How is this going to help you feel better?

He’s got all of this power over you at the moment and you’re just going along with it. Stop wondering how he feels and what he wants and start focusing on how you feel and what you want. He didn’t want your love and care and respect, so stop giving it to him. He’s no longer top priority in your life. That’s your space now. What possible benefit could there be for you in meeting up with him? Why would you give him the opportunity to stomp on your heart a little bit more? Take back that power!

Send him a very brief message saying ‘Hi, just to let you know I won’t be available to meet up as planned. I’ve thought about it and we obviously have different feelings so I can’t see any point to it. All the best’. Then block every method he has to contact you. You’re a person ffs, not some toy that he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like it. It’s time to get angry. How dare he treat you like that?

okokok000 · 15/02/2021 10:13

@varbie89

If he respected you he wouldn't be messing with you like this. He'd let you go so you can be happy. People that genuinely care don't do this sort of thing. He is being very selfish trying to keep his options open at your expense.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/02/2021 10:38

Where are you OP? I'm mad envious if restaurants are open, wherever you are!

Anyway I agree with most PPs - he's keeping you on a string for an easy ego boost. He KNOWS you still have feelings and can't handle just being friends, because you've told him that. Any caring, decent person would hear that, and think "Damn, I've really hurt her with this breakup - I'd like to be friends but I can understand she doesn't. Guess I'll leave her alone, maybe in a couple of years we could have a friendship but I'll let her come to me."

That's what a decent human does. Not keep getting you back out of your box, playing with you for a bit, then put you back.

He's a jerk! Get him blocked. You will never start the process of healing if you keep speaking to him and letting him yank your chain. You deserve a lot better than this arseclown!

Original poster

varbie89 · 15/02/2021 11:31

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thankyou!!

OP posts:

indie123 · 20/02/2021 19:14

He is struggling you along, this won't end well. Block and move on

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread