Toxic ex

[Partygirl2021]

My exH I was with him for 11 years, married for 2. I dumped him last year when I had had enough of him filling vodka bottles with water and stashing empty alcohol bottles all over the house for years. Never mind his financial abuse, silent treatment (for two weeks on one occasion), constant gaslighting (“it’s all in your head” then I’d find out it was true), absolutely useless father to our baby (once refused to put him to bed because “he is your baby”). Divorce was mentioned when I saw him last week and I said how sad I was that this is what became of us. I said how difficult it was being a single parent too. He said back well you initiated this not me, you wanted to be a single parent or you wouldn’t be divorcing me, there are two sides to every story, then called me a narcissist. I was horrified. Whilst there are two sides to a story I honestly didn’t do anything to cause the breakdown of our marriage. I was a good wife - loyal, devoted and shared everything I had with him. I hate him for everything he has done to me, going out his way to destroy me. But I can’t forget those words last week. How can I move on?

Hopeful bump ❤️

He sounds awful. Counselling might help you get past this as bottling up all the hatred and unhappiness is unhealthy. Can you minimise contact with him so you don't have to have any more of these conversations? Does he have your son regularly? If not do you have to speak to him at all? I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It can be very hard when your abusive ex tells you that you were/are the abusive one and perhaps like me you have that little nagging doubt in your head wondering whether it's true.

I contacted my local women's refuge when leaving my abusive ex, and through them was registered to a course designed for victims of domestic abuse. It teaches about different types of abuse and the effects they have on us etc.. even though you have left him now and you understand he is abusive, it might be helpful to see this reaffirmed. At least it's been helpful for me.

Also you can speak to people. Friends, family, a counsellor. Women's aid have an online forum you can use so you can speak to others there who have been through similar and may understand your feelings. I think it also takes time to process this stuff. Well done for leaving. Minimize contact with him as much as you can.

and giving this an extra bump for you in the hope that someone who's good with relationship advice comes along x

@BaggoMcoys sorry your post wasn't showing when I made the above comment - wasn't implying your advice wasn't good!

No offence taken! I was also going to say op, the freedom programme helped me too. You've probably seen it recommended a lot on here. For me, reading and learning as much as I could about domestic abuse really helped to clarify things in my head and helped me to see for sure that I was not the problem.

Sounds like my ex....its easy to say ignore or dont take onboard what he says but it does hurt, i think it stems to the fact you have a child and the worry is there as to when they are going to turn their poison on them....i have a friend who had went through the same and was just coming out the other side when i was going through it,so they were able to give me good advise and reassurance...talking to people irl who have experience of the same will help...

He doesn’t have my son unsupervised without me due to his alcoholism and total disregard for my son’s welfare as a baby. He makes a bit more effort to see him now but I’d rather he disappeared out our lives forever. He is threatening me with court action for custody which makes me feel sick, I can’t sleep at night for worrying about having to hand my son over to him and his mentally unstable family (his mother locked my son in her house with me standing outside the last time she saw my son). I cry myself to sleep every night just thinking about it. I don’t know why I was ever with this man, I like to think I am a strong independent woman who has a degree, an excellent career and strong values and morals. But thanks to him I have questioned my sanity for so long.

I know how you feel. My stbex left me last June. He chose to leave (said he was having a sabbatical) but I have refused to get back together due to similar financial abuse, long long periods of silences (longest around 6 weeks) and just feeling I deserve better. Now if I dare to comment on anything (him paying no maintenance, him bringing our son back early etc etc) it's always "you chose this life, you wanted to be a single parent". I didn't! I wanted a loving happy family and I have everything I had to this marriage. It very much used to upset me but I've been having counselling which has made me see very much what is "his shit" and all part of the control and his complete inability to take any responsibility for anything! Stay strong. You will realise one day that what he thinks or says doesn't matter to you anymore. X

@CantBeAssed that’s my fear, is turning his narcissistic and toxic ways on my son. I don’t care how I’ve been treated. It sickens me that courts don’t care about stuff like this

Thank you everyone for your advice, I am struggling so much right now. My friends and family have no idea what I’m going through. Which is understandable as you can’t really know unless you’re in that position. I just get textbook answers “you’ll be fine” “you’ll meet someone else” (I don’t ever want to meet anyone else again FYI). So I don’t really bother talking to anyone else now as it’s just not understood.

Just read your update, your story is a mirror image of mine...i remained in the relationship because i was terrified as to what would go on with my dc if i wasnt about..i did this until i could take no more...
My dc is now no contact with ex, i think that is why is was able to move on with my life relatively unscathed...do what is right by your dc, every doubt you have is down to your ex's control...talk to hv, gp etc..anyone who documents what you say and if you are really concerned about your dc welfare suspend contact...dont think by doing so you will be making life difficult or risk losing your child..you wont...my life got so much easier when i done this...really hope you get some peace

I have a police report for abusive behaviour but they failed to act (coincidentally my ex is a PO). My hv is aware and said she will support me however I know that he will get custody as worse people get access to their children. I don’t sleep at night for worry knowing that the courts will let him have my son.

I cant see why he would get custody, courts dont remove children from their mother and stable homelife to accomodate the wishes of the father...your son is very young and some judges are not even in favour of over night stays at such a young age....
Your ex appears to have done a very good job at chipping away your confidence...i understand your worries, anyone that has been in your situation has had exactly the same concerns but these concerns stem from his control...have you spoke to a solicitor?

I don't think he would get custody! What makes you think this op? X

I thought he would get custody or at least unsupervised access because he’s not a murderer / rapist. I feel like a court would just tell me my personal “views” on my ex are invalid because they don’t affect my son and think I was using my son as a way to stop his father being involved. It makes me sick. The thought of my son being around his father’s family is so damaging. As I mentioned his mother locked me out her house with my son inside (my ex said I was overreacting when I went ballistic). She also used to control my ex and I’s finances which I had no knowledge of (he gave her access without my consent). I am trying to pursue this for damages to me. I just worry none of this is valid for the care of my child

It is all valid, although courts cant go on say so and if you can have some evidence of your claims all the better. Your op says ex is an alcoholic, would his GP have this noted...you could request his medical file to be disclosed to judge?

Your poor thing OP, living with an alcoholic couldn’t have been easy. His behaviour sounds awful and I think you’re better off without him.

You’re right - the textbook answers are infuriating at times but your friends only mean well and unless you’re ‘in’ the situation, it’s hard to understand the thoughts and feelings of those that are. My friends have said similar things to me but they can’t comprehend how I feel.

It’s a head fuck being gaslighted into thinking you were the abuser. My ex had a girlfriend who spent the most of their relationship talking about me, with her spouting the most vitriolic bile about me and at one point convinced my ex I was the abuser and had BPD. A few months later he was in the cop shop after she alleged he’d assaulted her and she later reported to
The police she suspected he was also a rapist. She later reached out to me canvassing support. His abuse was so clever that despite all of that, and despite her waxing on about how she has boundaries of steel she’s still willing to risk social services being involved in her children’s lives a second time. And yet still with all of that evidence and facts I still have the odd day when I question myself.

You aren’t the abuser OP, continue to be an amazing mother to your baby, he/she will thank you for it.

I feel so disgusted with myself for putting up with it for so long, never mind having a baby with him. I don’t know why I thought he would change as they never do. When I look back he was never in love with me, I was just a service to him. I don’t think I loved him either even though I would’ve done anything for him. I hate how he won’t let me pick up the pieces and start again. He has no interest in being a father and is doing this to spite me.

Sending hugs Op, please don't be disgusted with yourself, you are the victim in this. Calling you the narcissist is classic abuser talk, deflecting. Please contact women's aid for support and advice. Regarding child contact they will 100% take the alcohol seriously. They can order an alcohol test (the only issue is they need to be drinking a serious amount for it to be classed as too much.) if there is any doubt about the safety of your child (which there will be as your health visitor can support you) they will do a section 7 cafcass report which will carefully look at what kind of contact he will have. Keep a diary and try to ensure most communication between you both is in writing.