Relationship apart is too much?

[TomR224570]

I have been seeing someone for around 5 years and we get on great. However she is very emotional and needy to say the least.
She lives on her own and I live away in my house, with a distance apart of around 80 miles.I stayed with her for a week on week off, etc due to my work. We are both 48 and divorced.
With the lockdown and everything that went with it, we have been apart but the constant remindersof why we are apart is getting too much and overpowering.

She lives in probably not the greatest area, and keeps forcing me to move in. This is fine but my work has taken off and after a period of nothing, i dont want to blow it, so I am currently working at my home.
All I get is constantly why I am not there, theres nothing to do etc, and laying it on thick really putting pressure on me saying she is depressed, life not worth living, going back to bed.She has no other hobbies only thinking about me and why im not there, and why its all my fault!

Admittedly, she sits there with phone in hand, texting me every hour sitting staring at the walls, just finding the next thing to text me about that is my fault (without saying it) which wouldn't happen if i was there.
I am very understanding and have put up with tantrums and a lot, but its starting to get to me now, and even with putting some things into place behind closed doors, she still is mentioning it everyday as inher life is depressing and dull, and nothing worth living for, so basically her life is all my fault for being like this.

Its starting to get to me now, and she has tried to end the relationship (many many times) in order for me to come running but it doesn'twash with me.I get texts'playing the victim' to make me feel really bad. I feel bad too, but just get on with what's currently happening and can see past this.
Lockdown and the pandemic hasn't helped but i have tried to work from hers and seen her as much as possible without breaking the law but I still get blamed for everything wrong and why i am not there?

I don't know how to explain it really,but this is doing the opposite and putting me off, if she can be like this!
What can I say or do, when it isn't anything i can do in a lockdown, how do i stop this silly talk and constant beratingme for not being there.She even has her friends having a go now, and getting them involved on her side, as shes teling them her side of the story??

How would you play this and respond to the texts in order for them to stop? as its not helping anyone in this relationship.

I would "play" this by ending it. This relationship has run it's course and it is not bringing happiness to either of you. She is sucking the life out of you, and you can't fix her. End it so both of you can move on.

Definitely end it. This is not a relationship at all, she's being controlling. You are clearly not happy, don't let it continue.

Its starting to get to me now, and she has tried to end the relationship (many many times) in order for me to come running but it doesn't wash with me.

What does that even mean?

If she's tried to end it then just agree and move on.

@Nanny0gg

Its starting to get to me now, and she has tried to end the relationship (many many times) in order for me to come running but it doesn't wash with me.

What does that even mean?

If she's tried to end it then just agree and move on.

Thank you all.

Yes this has happened a few times, and she has done all the 'ending' and i've just agreed to it. Then that makes it worse!

But somehow it comes back around that we are still together, as she daren't end it properly, its seems to be text message threats.
As I we are apart, its easy to mute the phone and let it take its course when these circumstances arise

I wouldn't mute the phone and ghost, if that's what you're saying (it may not be what you're saying). Call her and say kindly it's not working for you but you'll always think of her kindly, good luck, bye, job done.

The times that this has happened and I get texts saying right its over, etc, and the moment I agree, everything gets tipped up and pushed over to me,

'Right so you're ending it then! I can't believe it!!'

I am pushed and pushed, until I agree then the tables are turned on me

Quite annoying.

She sounds like she is 8 and not 48 abd you need some better boundaries.

If she ended it and you were fine with it why did younlet her turn the tables and say she didnt mean it?

What does she bring to your life?

I'm assuming she doesnt work or have hobbies because how does she have time to keep messaging all the time.

@tomr224570 I was with my partner for 4 yrs. Same kind of set up and initially him very keen for us to live together (where I am) and then changed his mind.. There's a lot to it but it's been exhausting I'm sure for him as much as me. I have the patience of a Saint and have let my 'nagging' go but mentioned at points. It upsets me to read your post as my ex would say I went on 'on a weekly basis' and that's completely untrue.
However I did know I was banging my head against a brick wall so have given up. It makes me wonder why she's still behaving like this.
You sound fed up and if it's not something you can sort I'd end it for both your sakes

You would live together by now if you wanted to be with her. It's time to commit or leave it, you have her hanging there it's weird.

I take it you have thought of the options together, move in with her, find a place together or she moves in with you.
You paint her as quite petulant but she is 48 she wants to live with her partner maybe she is hurt and feeling rejected. You don't want the same things so let her go properly.

She wants you to move in, I think you don't want the same? She's getting frustrated you can't give her what she wants (it's been 5 years so I get that ) but you need to be honest that you don't want that commitment and it's too overbearing on you, perhaps it's because she is not the one you want to settle with.

I do want to move in, and she is great when i am there, but this is beginning to have second thoughts with this behaviour.

I guess i'd probably suggest that we move away and somewhere together as where she is, isn't the first place i'd rush to live! so maybe thats part of the thought process for me.
But this isn't helping ontop of looking to move as its a big step and you never know until you've committed

Have you actually suggested that though? If you do then she will stop feeling like you are stringing her along so much.

I had a relationship with a very weak non committal man when I was in my 20's, I waited and waited with the 'one day' crap and it broke my heart that nothing could move naturally, when we finally moved in together after 6 years I relaxed straight away because I wasn't feeling hurt and rejected any more. I wanted space sometimes when we lived together and I worked on myself a bit then, but I didn't know anyone else that had ended up being so consumed with why their partner didn't want to move things along. It didn't work out in the end because he was equally pathetic about moving on to children etc. and I saw my fertile years wasting while waiting for him to grow the fuck up, but at 48 moving in together is the last stop isn't it?

If you want to break up, then:

'Right so you're ending it then! I can't believe it!!'
--> Yes, I am ending it. I will send your things in the post.

Even if it was her who ended it, just agree.
Or just end it yourself.

Well it’s pretty simple she’s anxious because you are saying one thing - that you’ll move in with her and then saying and acting another way about the area so yeah I get why she is acting this way, I do see your side too. It’s been 5 years just end it if you don’t want to compromise or work it over with her about the next step. You’re not compatible by the sounds of it.

OP her behaviour sounds tricky, but it sounds like she is suffering too. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about when you would like to move in with her, where you would like to live etc. You will probably find that she becomes much calmer then!

Are you her bubble if she's a single person? Are you the only person she sees? I think I'd be a bit looney too if the one person I'm allowed to see during these lockdowns doesn't turn up even if they did have a valid excuse that they had to work. I kind of feel for this woman. You've been together five years and your still wondering whether to move in.

I don't understand if she tried to end the relationship why you had do go running back to her if you didn't want to. It would sound like a clean break as you don't share children/ a home/ live very far apart.

If I'm honest if I've understood correctly it sounds like you mess her about a bit and then get annoyed that she gets upset. Like I've said a break up would be clean cut so just leave her if you're unhappy rather then getting her hopes up that you're going to move in

It does sound like you’re just pleasing yourself to be honest. Jumping in and out when it pleases you but not brave enough to end it. Be decent and end the relationship.