Should I stay or leave?

[Momtot]

I’ve done a few threads these past few months about various issues and the general consensus is my partner isn’t supportive enough. It’s got me thinking. We recently got engaged and since then I’ve just been thinking can I really do this forever? Can I be in this for the rest of my life? Marriage is sacred and final to me so I have some big decisions to make.

I made a list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave. I appreciate you’re all strangers and don’t know the ins and outs of everything but I can’t talk to family or friends about this. We’ve been together nearly 5 years and have a 3yo, 2yo and 4month old baby. His dad was a dead beat and his mom left with 5 young children, I’m worried DP turning into him. I also suffer from anxiety and on/off depression in case that makes a difference

Pros/reasons to stay
I love him
He can be very good with the kids
He can be hands on (depends on the day)
He tidies a lot
He’s very playful with the kids
He’s very helpful and generous with other people
He comes across well
He’s got good family values
I find him very attractive
He’s the literal person I always wanted (had a crush on him throughout school)
We’re a family, 3 young children and I don’t want them growing up in a broken home
The though of really leaving him makes me feel sick
We have some lovely times, lovely days as a family
He’s very hardworking and provides well for us, any overtime he takes it
I love him

Cons/reasons to leave
His expectations of me are too high
He puts me down a lot (unintentionally mostly)
He moans a lot
He tidies a lot (con because I feel like I don’t keep the house to his standards)
He goes out with friends a lot and it can feel like he isn’t home much sometimes
I feel like his friends come first sometimes
I don’t feel good enough for him, feel like he’s ashamed of me almost
In arguments he can get nasty (calls me names, tells me to fuck off)
He’s got a short temper (but never violent)
He plays xbox every evening, we never spend time together alone
I don’t feel like I get enough emotional support from him. Struggling at the moment and it’s like he doesn’t care or ignores it
He’s not arrogant, but at home he thinks he rules the roost and what he says goes
He’s in charge of all the money (I’m at home with baby)
I feel a bit like a housewife, not a girlfriend he’s proud of being with
He doesn’t listen to me much, feel like I’m talking to a brick wall
I don’t feel appreciated in any way
He doesn’t help with the baby, it’s like the toddlers are ours but the baby is just my responsibility
He doesn’t do any night wakes from any of the children, so I’m up every hour sometimes dealing with all 3
He has little patience With the kids so I do almost everything to save him getting annoyed
He doesn’t ever make dinner, which is a part of the day I could use help with
I don’t want to be on my own

What would you do? Stay or leave?

We’ve talked about this loads of times and he always promises to make more effort but it never lasts

That's because it IS an effort for him. That's why it doesn't last. A lot of unpleasant men are willing to put in the effort, at first, and then it goes down hill once the woman is married, unemployed, reliant, vulnerable and has had his children. You are then in the net. He then no longer has to be patient, no longer thinks he has to panic when he's called you horrible names because he's convinced that you will never, or can ever leave...and if you do. So what? It's not that big of a deal for them.

I think everyone slides to one degree or another, hopefully in minor ways, but some men slide a lot more than others. You see who they truly are.

All of your pros are about how well he treats other people and your house.

Alot of your cons are about how he treats you.

That says it all.

Have you tried addressing this with him?

@PlinkPlink your comment really took me back. It’s so true. I’ve had a few days reflecting on this and it’s so true in every way. I’m not sure what to do with that.

We had a sit down and chat the other night, I didn’t go into detail on all the issues because it needs to be talked about properly and slowly, but I did mention a few things and he did actually listen. We also did a quiz to find out our love languages and was surprised to find out that our top two was the same as each other. So we’ve got a better understanding of what each other needs now.

Which love language does treating you like shit belong in?

I'm glad it gave you some food for thought. I've been in a similar position before too.

The more I thought about it and the more he continued being a dick to me and adding to that list of shitty behaviour, the less tolerant I was of it. I left him in the end.

I hope that is not the case for you and that you both manage to work through it. But for now, it's something to be aware of.

The con list for sure out weighs the pros, a lot of your pro's are what he does for other people (and you've put you love him twice on that list) the cons are mainly about your relationship and how he treats you. It doesn't seem like he treats you as an equal partner or with a lot of respect

Love language my arse! He’s basically trying to keep you quiet by restricting time spent with you, restricting money, 3 kids in quick succession and little woman does as she is told at home? He plays Xbox all evening? When do you have a relationship?