Epiphany: Trying to make yourself happy whilst in a relationship that makes you unhappy is like trying to mop the floor with a leaking bucket.

[Notawanker]

I read so often on MN how women in unhappy marriages who can't leave yet should "focus on yourself" "make yourself happy" "get a hobby."

And I have tried so, so hard to adopt these strategies to not much avail over the last 12 months. Then I listened to a podcast last week (can't remember the name of the psychologist) but she said that we automatically morph into someone else's story when we form a relationship with them and become a character in their play. Trying to play a different character or to even change the play completely without their input is ridiculously difficult.

I've tried so hard to be a better version of myself whilst remaining, temporarily, in this relationship which makes me very unhappy, but it's so hard to achieve.

The psychologist also says that "finding yourself" prior to getting into a relationship doesn't work either because we naturally change in relationships, regardless of who we think we are.

I guess the key is working someone out over a long period of time, experimenting, giving time and deciding if you like the version of yourself when you're with them.

Wish I'd given it more time before marrying and I've realised that to be happy and to be a better version of me, I have to leave.

That really resonates.

Some relationships have made me insecure and needy whereas others haven't.

There are definitely things about yourself you can change whilst in a relationship that can make you happier but if it's the relationship dynamic itself how could you ever really change that??

Being in a relationship with someone you are unhappy with can be a lonely, hollow existence. You neither have the benefit of being with someone you truly care about, nor the freedom of being alone and able to carve out a better life. Hobbies can bring you enjoyment, yes, but they cannot fill the emotional gap that comes about from an unhappy relationship. It's important to try to boost your mood nevertheless, but to have realistic expectations.

The reason why you are still unhappy is because some of these questions below would probably want to live an honest, authentic life. I assume the reason why you can't leave is because there is some level of dependency here that's preventing you from doing so.

Totally agree with this. You can find all kinds of things to fill your time and make yourself happy, but knowing you're doing that to mask what you haven't got only makes things worse, I think. I've taken up running, which started just to get me out of the house for an hour, but now I love it. But however much I love it, I'm going home to loneliness every time and no amount of running is going to change that.

The only thing to do is to leave the relationship

I had 'situational depression' according to my counsellor because I was in a coercive control relationship. I went to him to try to find strategies to become happy like CBT or I would even consider anti depressants. He basically said that I would not find happiness until I left the relationship. I felt like I was 'stuck' with him and couldn't get out due to his threats of suicide, taking our child etc. The counsellor said you CAN leave'. I did, and he was right, I immediately regained my sanity and natural happiness. I can't recommend leaving toxic relationships enough. They suck the life out of you.

A doctor said a similar thing to me @wirldsgonemad. She said that I wasn't depressed and that it was my environment making me so. Later also confirmed by my counsellor.

I'm guessing your ex didn't commit suicide either?