Need to find the courage to end this relationship ...

[Restart2021]

Morning everyone,

I don’t usually post on mumsnet, just read all the posts but I really need to get things written down and hear from people who have left a miserable long term relationship.

I’m in my early 30s, handful of young school aged children and been in this relationship for just over 10 years. Not married.

There’s too much to get written down but il try my best to give you a picture of the past messy 10 years.
First 5 years of the relationship was very abusive and have been numerous occasions of him cheating and using websites to seek out sexual relationships. Abusive through my pregnancies, mentally and physically but not the point I have ever had to get medically seen to, strangling and suffocating with pillows, pulling hair, throwing objects towards me etc.
(I’d like to add that my children have never witnessed any of this but have heard us shouting in the past.. thank goodness to this point in their young lives they seem very happy children even though)
My biggest regret is ever getting into a relationship with this man as I knew him before for a few years, I never knew he was violent just that he had issues.
Anyway, the past 5 years he has stopped drinking and things aren’t physically abusive but I still feel he can be mentally abusive towards me and I feel that maybe I am to him too as I can’t stand how I have wasted so much of my life with him.. I suppose I feel resentment. I don’t want to hang out with him, can’t be bothered to have sex with him, his personality annoys me etc.
I just don’t know how to tell him I don’t want to continue this anymore, I don’t love him. I own my house on my own so that’s not an issue, i just need to tell him and not sure how to. I have tried before but only when we are arguing as that’s the only time I feel strong enough to say it.. sorry for waffling on! Anyone been in a similar situation? Makes me sad and worried about being on my own but I really just want out of this relationship.

I'm really sorry to hear this, sounds awful and well done for having the courage to consider leaving as it isn't easy.

It took me 5 years to have the courage - although my marriage wasn't as bad as yours, I still felt emotionally controlled and abused and after so long I couldn't take any more. Still not divorced but nearly there now and so far all I regret is not having done it sooner.

In your case it seems a bit more complicated due to his abuse only because you need to be prepared for how he might react. I would say prepare yourself before having the conversation, talk to a solicitor (you can get free consultation, I did with 2 different ones) although I think you said you aren't married, so probably easier; and also be prepared for his reactions and how to protect yourself and your family if he becomes aggressive.

Also be prepared for more than one conversation, in my case it took a while for it to sink in. x

I have no experience to be able to advise you but could you talk to Women’s Aid for advice and support?
The only other practical thing I’d say is change all locks once you get him out.
I honestly wish you lots of luck op.

Do you have any friends/family you can confide in? Sounds like you need some support to get you over that hurdle of telling him and getting him out.