Sneaky husband

[Stressy26]

Hi everyone! I have created my account today to post on here as I am not sure if I am completely over reacting and I’m not sure what to do!

I love my husband to pieces and we have been married for almost 2 years and we have a very good relationship most of the time. He has recently started a new job working shifts where we can go 4 or 5 days without really seeing each other - this has been a bit of a strain as we are used to spending every weekend together but I am happily getting on with it as this is his dream job.

I realise this may sound ridiculous but we have had multiple arguments in the past about him sneakily smoking an E-Cig where he has been hiding it and pretending not to smoke and then smoking it once I’ve gone to bed.

I know there could be worse things but I lost my dad to cancer when I was very young and made it very clear when we first got together that I was against smoking. I also would like to point out that he isn’t a smoker and just thinks it looks cool 🙄! It went to the point where he lied and made out I was being a bit crazy but he was just hiding it the whole time.

It was all in the past and we got married almost 2 years ago! I have come downstairs tonight ( he is in bed as he is on night shift) and went to wash his work pants for his shift tonight and there in the pocket is a brand new one and a load of liquids!

I can’t work out if I am being over sensitive but I just feel so angry and betrayed! Has he just been smoking this for the last 2 years every time he’s alone - waiting for me to go to bed early and go out to work?

I just feel really angry that he’s made me feel like this and that he has lied so easily to me. It’s really making me question whether I can trust him with other things and that he has sneakily hidden it for however long whilst lying about it all the time. I realise there are bigger things to lie about but it has caused so many problems in the past that I just feel really betrayed that he would lie to me!

Please help as it is taking everything to not go upstairs and wake him up to ask him about it

Thank you in advance for any advice given

I think you need to give your head a wobble. It’s his choice what he wants to do with his body.

Most likely he’s always been a covert smoker. It’s a terrible addiction. He’s trying to sneak around you because he’s in the grip of needing the nicotine hit but loves you deeply and knows it would hurt you if you found out he smoked.

Stop accusing him and following him around, it’s unfair and shows a lack of respect for him.

Be supportive about breaking the addiction but be loving. Otherwise you’ll just push him away.

If you can’t be supportive then by all means divorce an otherwise good man.

Well for starters, it isn't about looking cool. Its an addiction to the nicotine in the vapes. whereas it isnt as bad as cigarettes, its still a big unknown future risk possibility, and i can understand completely your anxiety.

The lying is another matter, and he clearly doesn't have the same level of honestly as you would expect from a husband.

There are two problems and the lying is the most important so you have to have some really serious discussion, but do try to stay calm.

He liked and made out you were crazy... it's not about the smoking as much as this!

He probably hid this as he is scared of your reaction!!!! I know a few sneaky smokers who know their partners won’t be happy - leave the bloke alone you’re being controlling

You need to get a grip. Vaping is countless times safer than smoking cigarettes. You sound really controlling.

I don’t think you can say he isn’t a smoker when he clearly is.

He obviously hid it from you because you’d be upset about it, doesn’t seem good

A cigarette smoker is not the same as a vape smoker. It’s not even smoke - it’s vapour. No fire is involved. No carginogens.

There’s delicious flavours, it’s actually “fun” and in no way dangerous like smoking.

Nicotine in & of itself is not going to kill you. It’s the chemicals in the tobacco which will.

Trying to control someone for vaping is next level controlling.

This is very controlling behaviour on your part, OP. You need to let the grown man make his own decisions. Sorry.

My wife is a 'secret' smoker, except everyone knows why she goes out to the shed at 7pm. It's been a passion killer as she avoids having a goodnight kiss.

I think as some others have said, maybe you have the problem. You say 'I feel angry he's made me feel like this'. Erm, no he didn't, you react beacuse that's the way you react.

@gutful vaping is bad for the heart and lungs.
No. It’s not a bad as traditional smoking but it’s just as addictive.

A whole generation of younger people are taking up vaping. Time will tell what medical conditions become apparent from this.

However, it’s your dh’s choice. You can’t tell him to give up.

@Lochmorlich that’s completely untrue. If you vape the juice without nicotine it’s not addictive. What is there to be addicted to?

@Lochmorlich how many people die annually from vaping?

Vaping smells disgusting.
But Op like others said, as a grown adult , you can't really stop him

It's triggering you massively but it doesn't seem like he's going to stop. Would you be able to accept it is your question really

I can see where the OP is coming from. It was a firm boundary of hers because of the past. She never lied and stated it clearly when they got together. She’s entitled to want to be with somebody who doesn’t smoke. I would never date or want to marry a vegan for example. That’s my choice for my life isn’t it? Being with a non smoker is her choice. OP if he’d said at the beginning of your relationship that he likes smoking would you have continued dating him?

Vaping is about as bad for you as biting your nails.

Would you police someone’s nail biting?

Her father died from smoking cigarettes

Vaping has saved countless lives & helped people beat cigarettes. It’s far cheaper than tobacco.

To demonise vaping & acting like it’s at all comparable to smoking tobacco is ludicrous.

“It’s bad for your lungs!”

Um have you heard of lung cancer & emphysema caused by tobacco? Come now.

Also am not married but when you are do you not allow for partners to at all change or grow? People may not do something, then one day decide to do it. It doesn’t make it wrong, it’s a personal choice.

The demonisation of vaping is because it takes money away from tobacco & helps people quit.

OP I would actually encourage you to go into a vape store & taste all the candy flavours they have - vape juice does not have nicotine in it. They have every flavour under the sun. It is fun. It is nothing like tobacco. I understand your loss must have been really traumatic but “smoking” a vape is not like smoking a cigarette & if you think about it the vape has saved countless people suffering from cancer.

Hope you can try to understand what an amazing tool it actually is as a cancer preventative.

Thanks for all your messages! Ha ha no need to apologise! I probably am a little controlling - I have quite high anxiety a lot of the time and the reason I posted is to get a level headed perspective as it's hard sometimes when you feel particularly upset and anxious

I had a good chat with him ( no shouting) and he apologised for hiding it - it's more the lying that upsets me than the actual e cig

And no I wouldn't date a smoker which I did say when we started dating - which was fine as he wasn't a smoker anyway!

Thanks again for all your help!

@gutful I do completely realise how much of a cancer preventative it is and I agree everyone who smokes cigarettes should move onto them

I just feel like being a non smoker going to smoking an e cig with high nicotine in is like a step backwards. I spoke to him the other day about reducing the nicotine so atleast he wasn't addicted to it.

I understand everyone saying e cigs are much better - they are much better than cigarettes but they are not much better than smoking nothing. They don't actually know whether the liquids cause cancer so don't get why you would get addicted to one when you weren't a smoker to begin with 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP, I'm glad you're seeing this from a new perspective. I bet he just worried about how you'd react.

I think you may have been a bit overbearing about it all, for understandable reasons, but agree with PPs who've said that you need to express your concerns lovingly and then let him get on with it.

Did any of you read the part about her father? Absolutely no need for the majority of responses.

The vaping smell is truly awful. Makes me nauseous when people have it in public.
Yes it's prob better for you than smoking but I don't want to smell it , same as cigarette smoke.

Oh that's by the by! Not helpful at all!

Agree that sounds really silly to use a high dosage of nicotine. Generally you have to put less mg into a vape which can last all day than in one single cigarette.

Is it possible he was secretly smoking elsewhere and has actually switched to a vape? Or maybe doesn’t understand dosages?

A non smoker should in theory only have to use vape juice & not even need nicotine. Here in Australia liquid nicotine is actually illegal.

Or in this state at least. Had I known he was doing that would have answered you differently. That does seem odd.