New relationship. Mourning old relationship

[unicornsarereal72]

I guess this is part of the moving on and grieving process. Just wanted to get it out there and seek others thoughts.

Ex left me over 3 years ago. I loved him completely. Even though he has narc tendencies. (I know that is said a lot). He was/is a selfish. Thoughtless man who could only priorities his own wants and needs.

He met someone else (ow). And behaved very badly towards me and the children. No child support. Not seeing the children for months. Verbal abuse. Stole money etc.

As when all relationships end you grieve for the happy bits. There were many over the years. And grieve for the future you thought you had.

I'm as low contact as I need to be with him. And keep very firm boundaries in place.

I've done a bit of old over that time and not really clicked with anyone. Until recently. It's very early days and Covid etc makes it all an unknown but it just feels comfortable. And I'm keen to see if this can go anywhere.

But I'm emotional over the ending of the last relationship. I guess this is the final stage of moving on and knowing that chapter is finally over. I don't want ex back. Even though I love/loved him. He has behaved so badly. And clearly has no thought to mine and the children's well being. Etc. I just thought this possible turning point would be happy and exciting rather than tinted with sad emotions.

I'm sorry if that doesn't make any sense. Any kind words would be appreciated.

I understand. Maybe chat to a counsellor? It’d be good to give your new relationship a good shot. Take things super super super slowly. Happy V Day!

Totally agree counsellor and go slow.

Your ex treated you badly so k think you may need to unpick why you loves him. And still do. Just curiiu but what was your family life like as a child. Did you see positive male /female relationships growing up.

You owe it to yourself to let this new relationship have the best chance. Your ex chose another woman, not just over you, but also over your kids for a period of time. He doesn't deserve your loyalty. You deserve a fresh start. Yes it was good but stealing money,not seeing the kids, you are worth more. Xxxxxxx

Loved

Thank you for the replies. I have stayed single for this long because I knew our relationship was unhealthy. As was my mums growing up with my step father (learnt behaviour).

I know the children and I deserved better. He wasn't always like this. (They all say that). And that is why I have put very firm boundaries in place to stay right away from my ex.

Like many I just wanted my children to have the family I didn't. And if that meant me tolerating a shit relationship I was prepared to do that. Very wrong I know. And when he left I was relieved that I could set a better example to the children and they not learn from me sacrificing my own worth.

It’s exciting that you’ve a new relationship now.

@Changeispossible thank you. That is very kind.

I understand
I don’t know why our brain does this to us
But totally understand

But I would also imagine that some of it is to do with apprehension too? Being cautious of a new relationship, where at least with the previous relationship you knew what you were getting.
Go with the flow, though that's a lot easier to say than do. One step at a time....at your pace.

@B1rdflyinghigh thank you. Yes that make sense. @Changeispossible @Italiangreyhound I did have counselling when he first left. And that got me to a better place emotionally. Christmas 2019 I was on a very low ebb and had more counselling lined up then the pandemic hit. And although I was offered zoom sessions I couldn't take them as I never get time without the children I felt uncomfortable unpicking this with them possible coming in or over hearing.

I'm now paying for my eldest to have support a he has wanted to self harm ( on going dad issues see he is a gift that keeps giving) so my counselling is on a back burner until they are back in school and I have funds (as sole financial responsibility for the house/kids etc is me)

Also I think what also colours my judgement is that when my mother remarried it was to a 'difficult' man. My sisters and I were teens and there was a lot of friction. We agreed if this made mum happy then we would accept the situation. Not that we had any choice in it. We all left home as soon as we could.

You don’t sound ready to date

Putting pressure on a new relationship to make you feel a certain way

New relationship falling short because you expected it to make you feel hopeful & excited, instead you’re still feeling heartbroken over ex

In dating world you should have a warning sign on you to avoid!

I would spend time enjoying your own company & learning to truly love being alone. Then a new person can enrich your world.

Right now you’re heavy with expectation for dating to help you heal. Not a good mental place to be dating.

It is so good that you have learnt some lessons from the past.

But not good your own counselling is on the back burner. Please explore this now, ask a out waiting lists for counselling at your GP surgery or fir mental health referral. There is some free counselling out there if you can locate it. Assuming your children can be left alone for an hour to watch a film safely then you can go to a different last of the house for the zoom call,? Unless you are in s tiny flat I think you can avoid them hearing.

I don't think you are looking for this new relationship to solve all your issues. I'm not sure where a previous poster gets that from. I think you need to go slow and start putting yourself first.

My daughter has self harmed it is very stressful. Are CAMHS involved? How old is he? Dd is 16, I think self harm started around 14.

@gutful I don't expect or need a relationship to make me happy or complete. I've come along way over the years and am grateful for what I have. But I feel I want a relationship again as I'm done being mother. Daughter work mode. I guess lock down hasn't helped. But I do take on board what you are saying. I do feel this is the last step (emotionally) to moving forward though. Otherwise I might never allow myself to meet someone else and allow myself to 'feel' again.

All needs unpicking. And I will explore counselling again. I know that my difficulties will go back to what I have learnt growing up. I also know going forward I am not repeating any of that. I would rather be single.

@Italiangreyhound thank you for your replies. My eldest is 14 now and we have had issues for the past 4 years. He has had amazing support through school and finally seen by camhs 18 months after initial referral. I have found him a wonderful counsellor who has made massive progress in six weeks than any support he has had previously. I hope you dd is in a better place now

Thank you, she is. And good to hear your son has a counsellor that is working for him

Hi I know this was posted a while ago just wandered how things turned out as I am in a similar position now .