Ex making me feel guilty with messages

[toastandbutterat5am]

We have been separated for 2 years.
It was a long marriage and it is very sad but there is definitely no going back. Custody of kids (teens) us 50/50 and it seems to work well.
Although a lot of it wasn't just down to me, I have felt guilty about disrupting the children so much and although he was a complete git at times he is not a bad man and has a lot to offer. He has found it a lot harder and behaved terribly to start with.
However, just when I start to settle back down I will get messages or emails or just a comment, like 'I'm so tired' or 'I'm very lonely these days' or 'I guess there is never going to be a happy ending for me' and so on and I feel dreadful because of course I care and I hate anyone feeling so sad when I could stop it. (By going back which would be one of the worst decisions in the history of bad decisions).
I have never given him any hope of reconciliation and I remain polite and kind but firm, but how can I stop this making me feel so blinking awful all the time? (Or is this something that I just have to live with)
I would love him to move on and be happy in time and have told him as much, but am just met with how he will never get over me and feels old and ill and sad.

None of his problems are yours to fix. He is your ex and you are not responsible for his happiness. What sort of person wants a partner who's with them out of pity? It's not the job of women to fix broken men.

Respond to the normal messages, ignore the woe is me ones.

Don’t give him the feed he’s trying to extract from you.

Stop replying and stop engaging in any discussion on it. Communicate only about the children.

If your kids are teens, they can manage their relationship / contact with their father themselves. I see no real reason you need to be in much contact with him at all, and you could reasonably block him on your phone.

If you're not ready to go that far, you need to stop responding to stuff like that. You're not responsible for his happiness or mental health. Don't engage.

Just ignore any messages like that. You're not obliged to respond or to make him feel better. Yum.

FFS that was meant to say yuk! Autocorrect changed it

He's saying it because he's a git and he wants to bring you down.

We is it your job to make him feel better? Was that one of the issues in your marriage- the responsibility for everyone's happiness fell on you?

He is a grown man and perfectly able to run his own life. You aren't his mother and not responsible for his happiness.

Only by ignoring his self-pitying emails, will he finally get the idea that he needs to move on.

Well I don’t blame him for being sad and you worrying about him is natural and a sign of being a good person.

Perhaps you could have a stock of motivating and sympathetic messages on hand that you just copy and paste to save you the emotional work of having to engage.

He is a grown man. It’s his job to manage his emotions, not yours. Ignore those messages.

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

Well I don’t blame him for being sad and you worrying about him is natural and a sign of being a good person.

Perhaps you could have a stock of motivating and sympathetic messages on hand that you just copy and paste to save you the emotional work of having to engage.

That just continues the dynamic. They've been broken up for two years. He needs to find other means of emotional support, not his ex-wife.

Thank you. All good advice, I'll remind myself of that...and the 'yum' made me laugh

He's wallowing in self pity and hoping that you'll take the blame. It will be interesting to see what he 's like if he manages to find a new partner - I bet suddenly his messages will completely stop.

@barbrahunter I would love him to find another decent partner. He says he will never be interested in finding another woman, it's almost as if he is determined to be unhappy.

Well if my cheating, drinking, lying, gambling, thieving ex can find someone , then there's hope for all sad ex husbands!

Seriously, splitting up a relationship does feel guilt-inducing.. but really you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I am embarrassed for him.

Definitely completely ignore any messages like these. Gross.

Only respond to messages about the children.

And inside yourself, keep telling yourself that you had every right to leave and that this man's self pity is not your problem.

I’m sure he will be ok when he meets someone else.
Maybe he feels inadequate and has low self esteem and feels he can’t meet anyone.
It’s not your issue either way.
You are a kind person.

[quote toastandbutterat5am]@barbrahunter I would love him to find another decent partner. He says he will never be interested in finding another woman, it's almost as if he is determined to be unhappy.[/quote]
But that's his choice. It's not on you. Even if he decided never to date again, never to move on, that's an active choice on his part, one that you are not responsible for.

Ultimately everyone has responsibility for their own happiness and making the best of their opportunities in life.

I don't want to sound harsh but you're letting him make you feel like this. Just don't respond to any messages like that and stop obsessing about him finding a partner. What's going on in his life, good or bad is his business and when you let go you'll feel happier. You're only responsible for yourself and the kids. He's a big boy now, he'll be fine xx

All true and I'm not obsessing , just agreeing with a previous poster's point. I think the crux of it is that he is almost determined to be unhappy...'sad man syndrome'... to garner sympathy and maybe even manipulate me.
I am a kind person and I hate anyone to be unhappy, but yes, I have to accept that it is not my duty to fix that for anybody. We are all in charge of our own destiny and happiness and all that jazz, so you are all right, I need to repeat that mantra.

Reverse it, as many don't feel right what they have done or are doing to the other person, but what about that being reversed, why should you get back with somebody who didn't make you feel good, to make him feel better?! He is manipulating you, why do you have to have contact with him? Just ask for contact to be solely about your kids.

How do you even know what he is saying is true?
It doesn’t really matter though. He isn’t your responsibility. You’ve been split for two years. Two years! Why are you so invested him finding someone else? Happiness doesn’t only come from having a partner, you know.
Don’t respond to any texts or messages that aren’t about the dc. Ignore everything else. If you keep responding, he isn’t going to stop.

Detach OP, he's not your problem any more.

I’d have a stock reply of something along the lines of “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way but I don’t think I’m the best person to talk to you about this any more. Hope you feel a bit more positive soon” and don’t deviate from this approach.