Straight, bisexual, lesbian?!?! (Possible trigger warning)

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Bear with me, I think this is going to be a long one. I’ve name changed for this as I definitely don’t want to be identified by anyone irl. It’s not something I have anyone in the real world I could talk to about.

So, here goes...

I am in my early 30s, never had a relationship with a man or a woman, had sex once with a man, had another sexual experience with another man, only ever dated men (albeit briefly). Everyone I know assumes I’m straight (as far as I know anyway). I have quite a conservative family, friends are more open minded.

I have always pursued dating men because, well, it was easier/expected. Also, I definitely find men attractive in the sense I know my ‘type’ physically and can instantly look at a photo of a man and know if I find him attractive or not. Mainly focused on his face. Appreciate there is a lot more to dating than that, but I feel it’s important information. The crux of the issue I guess is I don’t particularly find the male genitals appealing/attractive. I don’t know how much of this is connected to the fact I was sexually abused as a young child by a man. I have had really issues with sex related to this and also find it very hard to trust men (all my friends are women). I’ve had a lot of therapy related to this and it’s addressed certain parts of the problem but not the physical ones (and I’m not currently in a position to have further counselling at this point). So the main issues I have with forming a relationship with a man is the trust issues and the sex issues (both quite big deals).

I’ve never seriously considered dating a woman. I can appreciate certain women are really beautiful but I can’t ever say I’ve felt really attracted to one. However, recently I keep having sexual dreams and they all involve another woman. I have been thinking more about it and there is definitely a part of me that finds the female body more appealing and the idea of sex with a woman more comfortable. Plus I find it so much easier to have deep connections with women.

So currently I feel like I need someone with the face of a man and the body/personality of a woman. What the hell do I do next?! I appreciate that personalities come down to a lot more than if someone is male or female, but as I’ve said all my friends are female and I form these friendships very easily whereas I find spending time with men much more difficult.

Please be kind, I have had such a difficult past which has undoubtedly had an impact on where I am at this point. I don’t want to mess anyone around by picking the wrong person to try and date but I do feel at a point where I would really like to try and get a serious relationship/a more active sex life. I feel like starting to possibly date women would be a massive deal in my own and my family’s heads so I am pretty scared about pursuing that idea but am finding myself thinking more and more about it.

Any advice or thoughts would be really welcome.

Op i think you're straight. You're thinking too much into things and I know this as I do it. I've had a few sexual dreams involving women one of them was a woman with a small willy.... very weird. This doesn't mean I fancy women dreams are always messed up. You don't sound like you want yo date women but you clearly have trust issues with men which is completely understandable due to your passed. Be kind to yourself you experienced something no child should and let your guard down just a little and hopefully you'll meet someone you can trust and feel comfortable with

Past not passed sorry*

Thanks for your reply. I know dreams in themself are not an indication of sexual preference but it’s more the thinking about the dream afterwards and sort of wanting to have it come real. I’m so confused!

I have actually had attraction towards one female in the past, she was a friend of mine who was also a lesbian. I never acted upon it.

Was it attraction or was you thinking she was attractive and got along with her?

Why would other people's opinions matter?
It doesn't matter what is expected of you, what matters is what you want.
It took my mother 22 years of being married to my dad to decide she was attracted to a female. Kind of fucked me up, but ultimately it had nothing to do with me, she was happy.
Do what makes you happy, fuck what other people think.

@Jesskir89

Was it attraction or was you thinking she was attractive and got along with her?

I could imagine myself being intimate with her.

@Caramelsmadfuzzytail

Why would other people's opinions matter? It doesn't matter what is expected of you, what matters is what you want. It took my mother 22 years of being married to my dad to decide she was attracted to a female. Kind of fucked me up, but ultimately it had nothing to do with me, she was happy. Do what makes you happy, fuck what other people think.

Unfortunately people’s opinions very much matter to me. Also, I don’t feel confident about what I want and I hate the idea of messing anyone around (male or female) that I potentially date moving forwards.

If you feel like you want to explore your sexuality - go for it.

I’m similar to you and I have always dated men however at one point I was very curious and imagined myself with a woman. So I tried it. It was fun - but to me it confirmed my interest in men.

Don’t be afraid to try things out, regardless of what anyone thinks

Hi OP my advice would be to just date whoever you feel comfortable with, going on a date with a woman does not necessitate a big coming out. You don’t need to label yourself. You’ve obviously been through a lot and worked hard in your councelling so don’t pressure yourself. If you’d like to explore dating a woman then do, it doesn’t mean you need to be instantly sexual with them just as you wouldn’t need to be if you dated a man. You can be upfront with whoever you date. The first woman I dated I was clear I’d only ever dated men....I’m now married to her and we have twins. Breathe and just see how you feel without pressuring yourself x

Does anyone find make genitals attractive?!!! I'm as straight as a die but let's be honest, a nice muscly pair of shoulders are so much nicer than a hairy, or worse bald, cock and balls.

I realize this is a wildly unhelpful thing to say during lockdown, so apologies for that, but after all looking for a partner is a long-term thing.
What do you think about steering your activities towards ones where you meet lots of people in a friendly way - the classic one is parkrun / running clubs as there is a lot of hanging round and gossipping before and after runs, trips to pub etc... and just wait to fall in love with someone?

@CtrlU

If you feel like you want to explore your sexuality - go for it.

I’m similar to you and I have always dated men however at one point I was very curious and imagined myself with a woman. So I tried it. It was fun - but to me it confirmed my interest in men.

Don’t be afraid to try things out, regardless of what anyone thinks

I think you’re right. It feels a bit strange to be exploring my sexuality so late in life but I feel like it’s better now than having regrets later down the line.

@BuffyFanForever

Hi OP my advice would be to just date whoever you feel comfortable with, going on a date with a woman does not necessitate a big coming out. You don’t need to label yourself. You’ve obviously been through a lot and worked hard in your councelling so don’t pressure yourself. If you’d like to explore dating a woman then do, it doesn’t mean you need to be instantly sexual with them just as you wouldn’t need to be if you dated a man. You can be upfront with whoever you date. The first woman I dated I was clear I’d only ever dated men....I’m now married to her and we have twins. Breathe and just see how you feel without pressuring yourself x

Thank you. That’s a great story to hear. So glad it worked out so well for you.

@titchy

Does anyone find make genitals attractive?!!! I'm as straight as a die but let's be honest, a nice muscly pair of shoulders are so much nicer than a hairy, or worse bald, cock and balls.

I don’t know...I think my whole perspective is skewed by my past experiences. It’s not just a case of finding male genitals unattractive, I find them traumatic and triggering.

@ChicoryInACoffeeJar

I realize this is a wildly unhelpful thing to say during lockdown, so apologies for that, but after all looking for a partner is a long-term thing. What do you think about steering your activities towards ones where you meet lots of people in a friendly way - the classic one is parkrun / running clubs as there is a lot of hanging round and gossipping before and after runs, trips to pub etc... and just wait to fall in love with someone?

I appreciate your advice but in all honesty I’ve spent the past 10 or so years ‘waiting’ to fall in love with someone through real life experiences. I honestly don’t know anyone who has met their partner later in life through any way other than online dating or at work. I’m not going to meet anyone at my current workplace!!

Give talking to people a go OP! Get those apps! Wishing you all the best x

give the lesbian master doc a read, might help!

You're in your early 30s - that's really not leaving it "so late" to try to explore your sexuality! I didn't have "full" sex with a woman until I was in my 40s, so don't let that thought put you off. (Had a few drunken snogs up to then but nothing serious.)

If you decide to try dating women, there's no need to immediately "come out" to your family and friends, until you feel you know what you want to do. If you're dating a woman and it's going well, then that's the time to have the conversation.

I think as long as you're honest with any women you date that you haven't dated women before and you're unsure of your sexuality - you're not doing anything wrong. Although you will find a number of lesbians just immediately write you off as they are looking for someone who "knows" they are gay/bi and don't want to be someone's experiment. Which is fair enough.

I was also abused in childhood and spent a long time trying to overcome PTSD in bed with men. You can do this, if it's what you want. I hope you can afford to get back into therapy soon because it's hard moving forward without help of some sort. I now have a very confident and fulfilling sex life (mainly with men, I do like to date women as well though) where I am confident of setting boundaries and expressing my needs. I hope you can find your way to that place of happiness too

Honestly, do you need to define your sexuality? Does it really matter? I would just date whoever you want to date and whoever you're attracted to, be it male or female. I've only ever dated and been intimate with men, but who knows... if the right girl came along!

Have you considered sexual surrogacy? This might be a safe way of sussing out your feelings on all this??

I don't think you're a lesbian OP. That being said, I don't believe any woman is straight. Not all the way, not all the time.

I think this is definitely a trauma issue and you're looking to your dreams for explanation, but they're just dreams.

Btw- not many people find a dick and balls attractive. They're not pretty.

You don't have to be any of those. You could be Demi-sexual (need an emotional attachment to feel sexual attraction) or straight but has some attraction to women in a theoretical sense but not in practice. Or, bi with a strong leaning towards Hetero romantic relationships.

Or anything in between. It doesn't really matter. Be with whoever makes you happy.

I think you need to give it a go with dating apps. You don't want to be thinking the same thing in another 10 years