Complex relationship with parents

[Dancingwithdreams]

Have name changed for this...
Has anyone got parents who are confusing/complex.

My parents are reasonably well off, bought us toys, took us on lovely, extravagant holidays, paid for music lessons, expensive gadgets, were the life and soul of the party etc.

They also regularly forgot to give us lunch because they were preoccupied, held us to impossible standards, would launch into extreme verbal tirades for relatively minor things, my mum also physically attacked me on a number of occasions. Mostly my mum just allowed my dad to dictate everything. His moods determined absolutely everything. They took a high interest in the outcomes but rarely helped us achieve anything practically. They expected very very high levels of independence. So would be livid at second best test result in the class but wouldn’t dream of showing any interest in our homework. To the extent that they would often sabotage (unconsciously) are efforts. We had to be ever ready to give them attention when they wanted it. We were accused of being antisocial if we sat in our room revising for example.

As an adult it’s been an ongoing pattern of extreme behaviour, followed by me drawing a boundary at personal emotional cost, them ‘making up for it’ and being normal for quite a long time, followed by another extreme behaviour. The most recent outburst happened in 2019 when I ended up asking them to leave the house. Since then they have been kind and supportive. I’m finding myself waiting for the shoe to drop.

I’ve had counselling twice, once they told me cut off contact and the other time I felt they hadn’t understood, that I was being dramatic. I always feel I am exaggerating how bad it was or how much it effected me.

I have a very supportive husband and beautiful kids. As a parent I found myself shouting at the kids because that was the model I had, which is when I got counselling the second time. It helped hugely (I almost never shout now, even in lockdown!) but I’m hyper vigilant to signs they aren’t happy to a probably over the top degree. It effects everything and I have find trusting people difficult, especially regarding my children.

I know why my parents behave this way. They had their own dysfunctional and neglectful situations that they haven’t examined in any way and are, to them, normal.

I want to have contact with them but to protect myself and the kids. Is this possible. To take the good and not accept the bad?

Goes without saying that I love them. I never doubted they loved me, but their love isn’t always a good kind. It comes with strings attached.

Anyone else been in this situations?

Sorry for long message!

My view of this (having experiences some similarities with my parents) is that unless they are willing to address their issues, they will always be this way.

So there’s two questions you really need to ask yourself.

Firstly, can you manage them like this? By that, I mean draw boundaries with them appropriately, not be devastated if you have to walk away, set limits on what behaviour is appropriate around your children.

Secondly, is this the relationship you want with your parents? What’s in this for you, other than being able to tick the box that you’re doing your duty/what you “should”/what society expects?

I decided that the effort wasn’t worth it for me and, after a brief attempt at reconciliation that went the same way as everything else always does, I have stopped bothering. Before going no-contact I did make it clear I would be happy to hear from my mother again (father now dead) if she was willing to do family therapy, though I hold out no hope of that happening.

You may also find this thread a useful source of support.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4030633-September-2020-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread

Thank you, had been looking for that thread before posting and not found it.

Figure out what sort of relationship with them works for you. But just bear in mind that they will never, ever change, and will never acknowledge that your childhood was anything less than perfect.

So - be selfish. Figure out what you want, then don't let them step over that line.

But be very clear and honest with yourself as to why you are doing it. If there is any inkling of "getting them to understand what a non-dysfunctional relationship looks like/getting them to admit what it was like for me" then forget it. That will never happen, and you'll end up more damaged from hitting your head against that brick wall.

You’re welcome. Good luck, whatever you decide.

@HelloThereMeHearties

Figure out what sort of relationship with them works for you. But just bear in mind that they will never, ever change, and will never acknowledge that your childhood was anything less than perfect.

So - be selfish. Figure out what you want, then don't let them step over that line.

But be very clear and honest with yourself as to why you are doing it. If there is any inkling of "getting them to understand what a non-dysfunctional relationship looks like/getting them to admit what it was like for me" then forget it. That will never happen, and you'll end up more damaged from hitting your head against that brick wall.

Agree with this wholeheartedly.