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Original poster

Husbands ex-wife always butting in on phone calls

28 replies

hafot · 13/02/2021 06:46

Dh had a very acrimonious divorce 7 years ago.
No love lost between them at all , and they hardly spoke over the years even though they have two kids .
But since me and Dh got married 6 month later ago everytime Dh phoned his kids or facetimes them she is always in the background shouting comments, friendly comments regarding whatever is mentioned in phone call.
She sent her regards to Dh last night regarding a family health issue .
I just don't know what's going on and I suspect Dh doesn't hate her as much as he has always maintained. Am I being paranoid ?

OP posts:

Pesimistic · 13/02/2021 08:44

Yes you are being paranoid. Shes his childrens mother, its good not to act like they hate eachother in front of the children even if they do because it will only cause confusion and hurt for the children.

PaterPower · 13/02/2021 08:52

My only comment on her behaviour is that I absolutely hate it when my exW does this. I don’t hate her, but if I phone my DC it’s to speak to THEM.

It would be the same if I rang my DB and then had his wife butting in to the calls. It’d be OK once or twice in a blue moon, but every time would soon get very old.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 08:54

I think you’re demonstrating some jealousy and insecurity. You say you’re worrried he does not hate her as much as he said. What is it you’re really worried about? That he still likes her?

Yoshinori · 13/02/2021 09:00

Jealousy

MrsPworkingmummy · 13/02/2021 09:01

This is a tricky one. Your wording is a little unclear. Were you married 6 months ago or 6 months after they divorced? How long have you been together?

My DH and I have been together about 13 years. We got together whilst he was separated but married and this, as you would expect, caused issues. For years (perhaps 8 or 9) his exW tried to control his contact with my DSD, spouted vehement hatred about me to anyone who would listen and absolutely tried to drive a wedge between DH and DSD. Although what you're experiencing sounds annoying, I think it's to be expected. Also, you do sound a little paranoid. Your DH needs to communicate with his children ; this has nothing to do with his feelings (or not) for his exW. He's doing what he has to do to maintain contact. Putting up with her trying to assert her control is a small price to pay for your husband having positive relationships with his children.

Techway · 13/02/2021 09:02

Yes, you could be paranoid. I think she is trying to build a bridge after years of animosity. How old are the dc?

It not healthy to hate and always worth remembering that how he treats her, post relationship, is how he's likely to treat you, should you separate

Stressedoutsomuch · 13/02/2021 09:06

Yeah it’s annoying and she is making her presence felt but he can hardly tell her to shit it can he. He is just being civil. Civility is key here!

DinoHat · 13/02/2021 09:11

@PaterPower

My only comment on her behaviour is that I absolutely hate it when my exW does this. I don’t hate her, but if I phone my DC it’s to speak to THEM.

It would be the same if I rang my DB and then had his wife butting in to the calls. It’d be OK once or twice in a blue moon, but every time would soon get very old.

My DH says the same. He calls to speak to his son and his exW interjects and takes over the conversation. To DH, she is ruining the opportunity for him to speak to his son. He will end up finishing the phone call prematurely because he’s no longer speaking with his son but his exW. She will even get her other children involved (not DH’s) and make them the topic!

stout01 · 13/02/2021 10:01

Does seem odd if this is only a thing since you got married. She might be trying to convey a different image to the reality of how its been the past few years. Your DH can't really make an issue of this so Id suggest you go along with it, even if it's all really superficial.

EarthSight · 13/02/2021 10:12

Are you sure that's not surface politeness?

MrsWindass · 13/02/2021 11:48

She is trying to show that she still 'matters" and she does as the mother of his children . We went through similar initially when she was also trying to dictate what went on in our house but she has settled down now after a couple of years . Many women hate the idea that their ex have moved on and use their children as a way of getting attention . It's not you . It's her :-P

ravenmum · 13/02/2021 12:00

She sent her regards to Dh last night regarding a family health issue
My exh's dad has recovered from Coronavirus recently. Of course I said something polite to my exh about his dad being ill. I also contacted his dad a few times. I've known him for decades. It's very, very basic decency.

If she's become more relaxed about talking to her ex since you got married, maybe it's partly because she thinks now you're 100% official then she is "safe" talking to him again without anyone thinking she wants anything from him.

But maybe it's also just the fact that time has passed. After I broke up from my ex, I could hardly keep a polite tone when I first had to speak to him, but now I can talk to him normally. I wouldn't find it at all odd for them not to hate each other as much now as they did in the past.

ravenmum · 13/02/2021 12:02

Does he facetime them in her home a lot? Does he not see the kids much?

crosshatching · 13/02/2021 12:04

Presumably she's in lockdown with children, maybe she doesn't have many adults to speak to?

AlternativePerspective · 13/02/2021 12:20

I don’t understand this need for people to think their partners hate their ex’s all these years on.

Presumably you are all adults, time changes things, and it’s unreasonable to think that the bitterness which existed in the beginning should still exist years down the line.

And why shouldn’t she send good wishes if he’s had health issues? TBH it’s quite childish to feel aggrieved at that one - it’s common decency.

My eXH’s sister died a few years ago. I have a very good relationship with my ex ILS anyway, but I sent my condolences via text, why wouldn’t I?

I also have some serious health problems and my DS says he does ask after me sometimes.

I have a new partner, he has a new partner and a child, to expect we should still hate each other is just bizarre.

DinoHat · 13/02/2021 12:28

I don’t understand this need for people to think their partners hate their ex’s all these years on.

It’s an assumption based on experience. Many DO still hate their ex. Co-parenting often adds to the bitterness, it doesn’t ease it.

ravenmum · 13/02/2021 12:39

Many people do hate their exes years later. But it still seems a bit of a leap from that to thinking that if they are polite now, then he might have been lying about how much he hated her in the past.

Lucyccfc68 · 13/02/2021 12:49

People mellow over the years and it’s definitely better that your DH and ex have a decent relationship.

I have been divorced for 12 years and it wasn’t always plain sailing, but we now have a decent enough relationship which is better for our DS. When DS is on the phone to his Dad, I will sometimes pass over a message. His Dads, Dad (DS Grandad) is in hospital with Covid and pneumonia and I always make a point of asking how he is. It’s not looking good, so ex-H is coming round for his tea later, so he is not on his own. I have offered him a lift to the hospital if he is allowed to go.

SpaceRaiders · 13/02/2021 12:59

You can dislike an ex for how they behaved in the relationship whilst still remaining respectful. It does however take many years to get to this point.

It really depends on how old the children in question are. Are they willing or able to have a 15-20 minute conversation without getting distracted and doing something else? Do they need reminding what they’ve done that day/week? Or any notable things that have happened? Mine definitely need prompting. They’ll often be long pauses which I will sometimes step in to fill with bits of relevant information.

NotaCoolMum · 13/02/2021 13:07

Would you rather she hurl insults in the background op? Honestly this type of thing drives me crazy. My ex’s “D”W is just like you. She can’t stand to see us be friendly towards each other. There was no love lost between us but is that supposed to mean we should hate each other?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 13:52

I just don't know what's going on and I suspect Dh doesn't hate her as much as he has always maintained.

This seems like a really warped way of thinking about it, surely?

However acrimonious things were, it's better surely that they have at least surface civility / pleasantness for the kids' sake?

It sounds like your concern comes from a place of jealousy but it doesn't sound like there is a reason to be jealous.

Would you prefer them to be nasty to each other and make the kids feel uncomfortable?

ooohbriefcase · 13/02/2021 14:07

"Dh doesn't hate her as much as he has always maintained."

And? Hatred usually doesn't last forever, most people get over it. It's better for the kids if separated parents can be civil with each other. Do you want them to hate each other?

JovialNickname · 13/02/2021 14:18

I think the reason she's been more "present" with the kids since your marriage, is precisely because he did get remarried to you. It's a very final event, and she's decided to let go of her anger. She loves her kids and knows it's bad for them to witness animosity, so when you got married, she drew a line under it. Your husband is being nice to her and showing her consideration because he appreciates that must have been a hard thing to do, and doesn't want to be an arse. All good I'd say

Lachimolala · 13/02/2021 14:38

It could be one of two things, she’d could’ve mellowed over the years and be trying to be civil and what not. Or it could be that she’s feeling insecure/jealous/lonely (all normal when an ex remarries) and be wanting to make her presence known to you, a I’m not going anywhere type thing.

We don’t know her but you do so I’m guessing you’ll know which direction this might be going in, have you spoke to your DH? I would communicate with him that this is making you feel really odd and you’re not sure why so can you guys speak about it and talk it through. You’ll probably feel loads better if you do.

AgentJohnson · 13/02/2021 15:51

If your H had a problem with this then he needs to deal with it, if it’s just you, then you need to get over yourself.

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