Doubts about leaving

[Gigantasaurous]

I finally left DP last year after knowing in my heart for some time that my heart just wasn't in the relationship anymore and I wanted to try make it work for our DD. Due to finances it's taken this long to be able to afford to move out and I now have a date set to move into my own place. And exDP has decided this is the time to start being the partner I wanted all along.

Hes started pulling his weight with DD, helping a bit more around the house, hes started engaging in conversation more and generally being involved in everything, he wants to have sex, he keeps picking up little thoughtful gifts... and I'm struggling with the guilt or ripping my family apart when things arnt terrible.

We broke up as he thinks his role is to go to work and come home and do not much else, which was fine (well it wasnt I suppose)whilst I was on MAT leave, and before that working part time, i didnt resent taking on the lions share of the house work as I appreciate he works long hours in a physically demanding role. But when I had more of my own commitments he never stepped up at home.

He doesn't take his holiday at work, whilst complaining how exhausted he is and how he needs a days off, usually whilst telling me what over times hes agreed to that week.

He has a daughter and the role of 'stepmum' doesn't come naturally to me, I persevered a long time an really tried but now I just dread weekends. It's not SDs fault, its largely exdps parenting, or lack of it.

Exdp was just do grumpy and hard to be around, playing on his phone constantly when I'm trying to talk to him.

Then there were issues with money, between us we should be fairly comfortable but yet I'm always in my over draft or using credit cards as exdp is just so irresponsible with money. We dont even have much to show for the spending, just random tat and takeaways, takeaway coffees that he wants and it all adds up.

There numerous other little things, stuff that happened years ago that I dont think I've truly been able to put behind me and have eaten away at me to the point I had to call it time.

I'm having major doubts about leaving, being by myself and being lonely during lockdown. I'm almost certain I'm doing the right thing but I feel so torn right now its almost as if he actually making an effort.

They all do this when its imminent. I will guarantee if you stay he will revert to type pretty quickly and you will be kicking yourself for not following through with leaving. It is hard at first. But you get there, you then get to enjoy your alone time and freedom and that makes up for all the heartache. Its brilliant being alone and free from the stress of a terrible relationship. You just need time to withdraw from the toxicity of your past relationship and move on.

I know how that feels. I'm in a similar situation. I know I don't feel the same about him anymore, but there's a reason we married them in the first place. Some of those qualities give us doubts through this. When you think about it, is it him you'll miss, or your life as you know it? I think it's often the monumental change and the life we thought we'd have that gives us doubts.
It's so hard, making peace with the decision and knowing life will feel worse before it feels better. It makes it an easy place to harbour doubts. Running back to security and the life you know is tempting, but how would you feel in 6 months?

It's called hoovering and it's a last ditch attempt to stop you from going. It's common behaviour when the exit is imminent. No one gets out of a relationship without pain - that's okay, it will pass. Follow your gut, not the guilt.

I think its natural to have doubts- we do about every big decision we make but clearly you felt strongly enough to make the decision to leave happen. He will likely revert to type if you stay. Do you love him still? How would you feel if he met someone else in the future?

I love him and care for him as a friend I think, I can imagine my self with some one other than him and if he announced he had a new girlfriend I would be happy for him, if a little sad that it made it official we were no longer a family unit.

He does have a lot of redeeming qualities, hes not an awful person, but I'm fairly sure hes not the person for me and really we should have broke up long before DD came along if I'm honest, I've only really kept persevering because it made sense financially and because I feel bad for leaving a relationship that isn't terrible

He keeps doing little things, a coffee in bed, a small gift, telling me 'see I'm not that bad really' that's starting to get to me. But at the same time there are still quite a few things that I just live with for the rest of my life, getting increasingly resentful for.

I feel like I need to make the jump now, whist we like each other and can get along and be friendly for DD, not leave it until the inevitable happens and it all comes to a head and there is an atmosphere.

“I feel bad for leaving a relationship that isn't terrible”

Not terrible is a very low bar for a life partnership. Would you keep a friendship just because it wasn’t terrible? “Not terrible” would be grounds for not giving up a job. It’s not enough for a life partnership. Do you want your DD to aspire to a “not terrible” relationship as an adult? Your life partnership should significantly enhance your well-being - it should be a source of joy. You say the relationship should have ended before you had DD. That tells you everything you need to know. Much better for your DD to be positively co-parented by separated parents than grow up with an unhappy relationship model. Some of the most functional families I know have separated parents. Some of the most sorted people I know were raised by amicably co-parenting separated parents.

@Dery

“I feel bad for leaving a relationship that isn't terrible”

Not terrible is a very low bar for a life partnership. Would you keep a friendship just because it wasn’t terrible? “Not terrible” would be grounds for not giving up a job. It’s not enough for a life partnership. Do you want your DD to aspire to a “not terrible” relationship as an adult? Your life partnership should significantly enhance your well-being - it should be a source of joy. You say the relationship should have ended before you had DD. That tells you everything you need to know. Much better for your DD to be positively co-parented by separated parents than grow up with an unhappy relationship model. Some of the most functional families I know have separated parents. Some of the most sorted people I know were raised by amicably co-parenting separated parents.

Here, here....my partner and I separated when my daughter was 3 before we went down the road of resentment. You have made the right decision OP. My daughter is now 23, her father, his wife, their 2 beautiful young sons (my daughters half brothers) and I all get on really well. No animosity and we all have co parented my daughter including my exes wife and she has turned out brilliantly. I would never consider my daughter coming from a broken home or dysfunctional family as we function with the highest respect and acheivement. Some intact families I know have struggled when they should have separated years ago.

All of this "effort" he is making with vanish like a fart in the wind should you buckle and decide to stay. This is pure manipulation on his part. He wants you to stay for an easy life, so he thinks he can turn on the charm and beat you down.

For fuck's sake don't fall for it. Get out of there.

Agree with all pp so far.

And another thread someone commented that a relationship doesn't need to be 'terrible' for you to want or need to leave.

Would the doubts you have over his fidelity (or whatever it was years ago that niggle) magically disappear if you stay?

My eyebrows are in my hairline at the thought that he has decided he has the right to pester you for sex when you're not in a relationship. Imagine if someone else tried this!

If you stay, he has someone to continue with the domestic work.

Imagine your dd asking in years to come why you stayed together and you replied 'it made sense financially'....a relationship is supposed to be about mutual love and respect not a business deal.

You have no reason to feel guilty, op. Sounds like he does though.