Just need some support...

[CrazyPavingRules]

My wife and I have had problems with our sex life for many years.

Our most recent therapist has reached the conclusion that the problem is trauma-related, and that my wife's extreme aversion to all forms of sexual intimacy (including kissing) stems from that. He recommends that we come to some acceptance that our marriage can't include that part, and renegotiate a new agreement over what our marriage is all about.

I know he is right, and that I need to accept that we can't have that type of relationship and on a day-to-day basis I can pretty much cope with it. But my wife is worried about the future, and wants to know I'll always be there, and I find it really hard to commit to "always", because the thought of living the rest of my life in celibacy, without even kissing, makes me feel a bit panicked. I'm in my early forties.

I know her aversion to intimacy is nothing personal, although it still leaves me feeling undesirable.

My wife is deeply uncomfortable with the idea of an open marriage, and the therapist is of the view that it would be damaging to our marriage for me to seek sex outside. He is probably right, it seems that open marriages can only work if both persons are on board with the idea.

I don't want to leave. I do love her, and we have a lovely life together. We've got lots of kids and dogs, and family life is a huge part of our marriage. It's mostly just the evenings and nights I struggle with sometimes, after the kids have gone to bed and we are left watching Netflix or playing scrabble, rather than making out or making love.

Has anyone else found peace and acceptance in this kind of situation?

I couldn't live in a sexless marriage, sex to me is so intimate it seals our relationship and brings us together.

If you don't think you can live forever without ever having sex again, then I would leave now, before you are tempted into an affair.

@CrazyPavingRules

So the therapist has given up?

Has your wife? There are forms of therapy such as EMDR that might help her with her triggers, if she wants to pursue it. PTSD can be treated with some success.

You've got lots of kids together? Is this trauma a recent thing?

I don't know. I could probably live without the sex but not the kissing cuddling intimacy. She can't have it all her way. There has to be compromise; that's what marriage is about.

She doesn't want it ever but sometimes you do.

@category12

She’s had a lot of therapy over the years (although not really for trauma per se, and definitely not EMDR), and feels she’s sick of it.

@indecisivewoman81

The trauma is partly from her childhood, and partly from traumatic childbirths (16 years ago now). Sex after childbirth also used to cause her some pain when it did happen, which required surgery to sort out.

I’d be happy with a sex life which didn’t involve penetration, but unfortunately she’s averse to more than just that.

I don’t think there is any compromise available. You can’t expect someone to do something they feel an aversion to - and why would you want them to?

I see what your saying. It's such a shame; because it sounds like apart from this (rather big issue) you are both fairly content.

Would she be willing to see a sex therapist or has she done this already?

@indecisivewoman81

She’s already seen several - both with and without me. I think it’s the end of the road for sex therapy.

I might suggest the EMDR idea though.