Weight gain - I just don't fancy him anymore

[Anonyy]

My DP and I are both overweight, together our bad habits bounce off each other, he says he's going to eat healthier one week and I'm not so within half a day he's given up because I'm not doing the same. Equally I'll decide to eat healthier and then he comes home and says he had mcdonalds for lunch and I'll think bugger it and give it up.
I am abit of a yo-yo dieter and range between just hitting a healthy bmi and being 1-1 1/2 stone above healthy. Currently I am a stone and a half above a healthy weight. My DP does not ever weigh himself but is obese and is easily 4-5 if not more stone overweight. I've known him a couple of stone lighter than he is now but other than that I've never known him slimmer.
I feel absolutely disgusted with the fact I've realised I don't fancy him anymore and it's because of his weight. He has the exact right to feel the same about me and I completely wouldn't blame him (infact I wish he would as it might kick me into gear to lose weight!)
Simple solution is to lose weight and I'm not making excuses but we both have issues with food and it isn't as simple as just go on a diet otherwise we wouldn't be overweight in the first place.

I really am disgusted with myself for feeling like this, I've never been the type of person to judge anybody on their size or appearance but all I see when I look at him is the weight he has put on, plus it is affecting him health wise he has a bad back, is struggling to put socks/shoes on etc.

Sorry I dont really have a question but can anybody relate? I dont know how to get past this, I can't tell him but if I say nothing I'm worried I'll never 'fancy' him again. And I know I'm a terrible person for even feeling like this in the first place!

Thank you.

I don't think you should be disgusted with yourself. If we could control who we fancied, everybody would just continue to fancy their spouse and nobody else, wouldn't they. It's really no more in your control than how you prefer your eggs cooked.

I think you do need to tell him.

Why can't you? This suggests an issue to me beyond what you're talking about. Is he very insecure about the way he looks? That can be as much a turn off in somebody in good shape as in anybody else. If you don't feel you can share with him, are you worried he's not sharing with you? Not being able to talk to him about this suggests emotional distance, somehow, and that this might not just be physical.

Sounds like you are in a vicious cycle of not managing to lose weight. Physical attraction is an unconscious thing so don't feel bad.
Can you bring it up by saying that you have realised your physical attraction is no longer matching the mental attraction and love you have for him and you suspect he is in a similar position and would be like to join you in seeking a way out of the cycle you are in. Maybe some online cbt so that you try to create new habits together?
Given this is nothing new I think some external support and direction will be needed to get there. You can't just sit on this in silence though, that's only going to lead in one direction.

Why not try to gee one another up to lose weight instead of competitively over-eating? (it seems like). Do something to motivate yourselves like put the same amount of money each in a pot each week and if you lose a certain amount of weight you can share it and buy a treat. Have you tried slimming world? I’m following it loosely atm and find if I follow it and have a “cheat day” (ie Indian takeout plus a bit of chocolate on a Friday) I still lose weight. Try to stick to 1200-1500 ish calories a day and just allow yourself a treat on a Friday. Also try to do 10,000 steps a day. It’ll be hard for a week or two but then you’ll get used to it - I really look forward to my daily walk now even though it’s chilly!
I would gently tell him you are starting to feel that your weight issues are affecting your sex life and hopefully it will spur him on to do something;g about it. If not, maybe you should be a bit more blunt?

Maybe it would make most sense to address the food issues you both have through counselling/therapy - invest in your MH and see where you both can get to.

This was similar to me and my DH. I was slim.when we met but l fell in to his poor eating habits. At my biggest l was six stone heavier than when we met.

Last year we both agreed to change our lifestyle. We have both lost stones. I can see now how much being overweight was affecting him. It was so much easier with us both committing to it because it was too easy for one of us to drag the other odd the rails - and there were times when l was doing ok but p thinknhe deliberately derailed me. What can l say...fat people like being with fat people, it validates their choices.

I also realised l find him more attractive now. I didn't not fancy him but l want sex with him more now his boobs are smaller than mine.

However l would never tell him this. It's extremely hard to say something and remain constructive.

I should add we have a treat each week but it's a lifestyle now. Not a diet.