Hi all!
I’m rather new to mumsnet so I’m sorry if I’m posting this in the wrong section? It’s about a relationship with a family member? Sorry if I have!
So, I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible.
My brother can be rather difficult and has been for as long as I can remember. He’s not a nasty person at all, just hard work I suppose.
For as long as I can remember everything that has gone wrong in his life is someone else’s fault and his life is always the hardest out of everybody’s. He is perfectly healthy and so is his DS and partner so, is already pretty lucky!
He enjoys drama and making things very hard. Nothing as ever been easy. If he is moving house or getting ready to go somewhere, he will leave everything until a few days before and it will be crazy. I’ll say to him in a nice way to definitely start earlier next time so he isn’t so stressed and he will reply with ‘well if I didn’t have to spend so much time moving your stuff’. Even though, it isn’t my stuff. I lived in that room 5 years previously (paying full rent) and all my belongings apart from his furniture were gone. Apparently I should have moved everything else out too. Even though that would have left him without any furniture in that room to use (which he now is btw!).
There are lots of other things but mainly it’s how much money I have given him to help him out. I have paid for him to have some private chiropractic treatments, classes and so on and now a loan to buy a property. All adding up to probably around 7k. Not all of that I’ll ever get back. I was supposed to get my loan back within 6 months and now he has decided to rent instead of selling his other property (various reasons, not all valid ones at all). And now I won’t get my money for another few years (fixed rental agreement).
It’s also the fact that he has never thanked me for the loan or all the money given or ever mentions it again. It is a tough time for everyone and he doesn’t seem to care if I need the money or not. He never even apologised for the delay.
I’m finding it very hard now to deal with his actions. Especially how he is always a victim even though he hasn’t had to work much at all in the last 4 years and study instead (he does class after class after class and had about 2 degrees). I think he has done it to avoid being a parent as he always chosen classes in a different city and to avoid work. He has taken out so many loans to pay for these too and so has his partner . He doesn’t treat his partner very well and always accuses him of something. One time it was cheating as he found underwear he said wasn’t his in the drawer (washed and folded away) even though we all knew it was his. He says he doesn’t love his partner but never bothers to leave him. He calls him names and says he never wanted to marry him and is now trapped.
Other things have happened like going through my things if I invite him over when I’m out the room. He never pays for meals or cinema or coffee EVER and always forgets his card. He does it in such an entitled way and sometimes even goes into shops to try and get me to buy him clothes (picks them up and walks to the counter knowing he has no money). He apparently went through my payslips and said to my dad ‘she can afford it’.
It doesn’t sum it all up but gives you a picture. How do I go on dealing with this? I can’t say a word or I’m the villain who gets blocked and told to fuck off (even when I have tried to help!) until he calms down and pretends he never said all these nasty things! He has even sent me messages when I didn’t pick up the phone at work (on silent) saying ‘pick up the phone now bitch’ and ‘I’m going to call the police and tell them you stole my car’ (I borrowed it and was paying him, I have it all in writing too). He has said so many nasty things like my partner will leave me and I’ll be all alone and I’m vile. He also lies and says I have him concussions when we were younger (and even a cyst!!!) when he ran at me and I shoved him away and another time when he punched he in the head and ran off. He then gets to go on as normal and I have to ignore it and not say anything until he calms down and never mentions it again! He always brings up stuff that happened as a teenager like when I dropped paint on the carpet so he had to replace it 8 years later because of it and not because it was 10 years old!!
He also enjoys lying about little things. I don’t know why, does it give him some kind of thrill? No idea.
My dad is also scared of him but sadly lives with him. He uses him for childcare every day but twists it that he is looking after him. Even though he has all of my dads money from a previous house and my dad is perfectly fine to live elsewhere.
He also doesn’t have any friends and often gets into arguments with anyone he meets. Neighbours (latest one), colleagues, strangers. But he is always the victim.
I can’t tell him anything in my life as he ignores it anyway and will use anything against me when he is angry to upset me. He only started asking me how I am after my dad mentioned it was horrible not too a year ago but he never ever did before that. All conversations are 90% - 100% about him.
We didn’t have the best upbringing but I have grown up, why can’t he? I won’t bore you all with more examples but I have so many. Trying not to rant too much sorry everyone.