Sometimes I feel like I am going mad

[tatkin]

I've posted a couple of times about my increasingly difficult relationship with my husband. I am becoming more and more aware that I have all this time been dealing with someone whose narcissistic injuries (which we all have of course) make dealing with the vicissitudes of life impossible. Having suffered from a bout of depression when I met him, I had until recently thought all problems were down to me. Only ibn the last few years I have given up all alcohol and look after myself very well so I have begun to see some patterns of behaviour much more clearly.

I work 4 day shifts (7am-2pm no break) in an intense job, he does the same industry but works overnights twice a week (8-8am). I sometimes have to work a weekend shift every 4 weeks.

In the past I've suggested he look to change this pattern but he never does and has said he prefers it. It means we can look after the children without paying for care.

It was the younger one's parents evening zoom this morning (I;d agreed in advance the best time was just after him coming home from shift - no other feasible time really) and was setting it up when the teacher appeared and I called out to him to come - once, then again. I heard him in the kitchen mocking my voice nastily. Anyway.

On the call I was talking about how I was strict in that I made sure the maths/english was done and had to take a view on the other stuff according to how engaged she was and joked that I was learning stuff all over again. My DH then said "oh yeah, she found doing some of it a real shocker - she just couldn't do it at all" which I dunno, coming after the mocking voice felt like a dig.

I raised it afterwards - "I didn't like how you made the joke at my expense" and he said very angrily that how dare I say "I am strict" when he does all the teaching (he does Mon-Weds until 2pm) i do thurs friday when he is asleep.

Then I got "I know how stressful you find the kids on Thursday" (it feels like he is trying to make out that I only have a full day)

When I said "You are trying to derail me from what I said" I then got it both barrels:

"You have NO IDEA WHAT it is like for me, how I do this horrible shift to allow you to do you job just how you like (despite multiple past offers to change the arrangement) how I bring you coffee (I never ask) how you never buy food shopping (I do, he likes to buy a big shop because I get it wrong .ie no wine.. I buy all the extras which equals the same amount)

I stick to my guns "none of this answers the question"

I get "You are so angry, iso snippy with me you take me for granted, you never do anything, you have NO idea what doing this job is like that lets you swan around, you would NEVER be able to cope with it like me etc etc."

I then had had enough, I lost my cool and said there was no use arguing with a narcissist and left the room.

That was wrong, it was also stupid to have that convo when he was tired - the answer would have been the same though at any other time.

The poor children heard him shouting and I said it was ok and we got on with stuff.

Christ, this stuff is heard, you are either broken or you turn into Socrates.

I am educating myself on subtler forms of abuse already. I am also trying to see where I am accountable and where I get defensive, but his response isn't normal is it?

No it’s not normal but you are becoming aware and you know it. There’s also no point in trying to argue logically or reasonably. Don’t go back and try to make your points again. You can not argue reasonably with somebody like this. He is full of self. Me me me. Woe is me. It’s his “go to”. You are the baddie and he is always right. This is your life. You will tie yourself in knots trying to have “fairness”. It won’t and can’t happen. He is built this way. It’s now up to you what you do about it. I’d suggest just not engaging in any debates at any time about anything. What works is fighting the fire at the time not afterwards. So when he said the nasty comment on the zoom you say immediately “that’s not true” and then carry on. You immediately decline whatever he is saying. Afterwards doesn’t work. So when you heard him mocking you in the kitchen you should have shouted “I can hear you, you know. You sound ridiculous” immediately tackling him and just saying “that’s your opinion. I disagree” or “that’s not nice” “I don’t think that comment is relevant right now do you” might work. You have to be the adult. I’ve had lots ofcounselling to get to this point. I’d suggest you get some while you decide if this is the life that you want

Thank you bombastical - having someone who understands this made me have a little cry - there's so much plausible deniability/gaslightery in the past I would have taken this all on, I would have felt awful that I was "taking the piss" out

He literally used the phrases "I sorry you're offended" "You are so angry" "You are so selfish - you always get what you want"

When I stuck to the original "why did you want to make a joke like that" he denied it but then immediately said I needed to "hear how I speak" and that I said "I" instead of "we" (on this I think there may be a valid point) when that didn't work he started shouting "I DON"T CARE WHAt you think" "YOU HAVE PUSHED ME TO THE EDGE WITH HOW YOU TAKE THIS PISS I AM LITERALLY HAND TO MOUTH EVERY MONTH BUYING FOOD AND PAYING BILLS YOU DO NOTHING EXCEPT BUY CAT FOOD"

This is, in the past I was more vulnerable, I thought he was the adult. Since having children I am losing that view and education myself in lots of ways, finding all sorts of hobbies etc. Love being with the children. I also like doing housework (although apparently I never do any)

knowing his mother it's no surprise he has these defences,. I means he has never once said sorry. I probably utter that words at least 20-30 times a week!

My mothe, for all her faults talked to me from an early age about people in the round - strengths weaknesses, odd habits, communication - I got a view of people as not being perfect, so it's maybe easier to see people as more human and still love them. I still love him but he's getting hateful in his behaviour to me the weight of taking all the blame for years and years has taken a toll.

Agree about being the grown up.

I'm very interested in the counselling - what sort d you recommend and how do I access it?

apologies for the spelling I don't have my glasses and I am rushing this between home learning (which apparently I only do on Thursdays....)

Irony is I am an editor!

Thanks again and best wishes to you. Clarity is a double edged sword isn't it. But my children need one grown up at least!

I got a view of people as not being perfect, so it's maybe easier to see people as more human and still love them

That isn't his issue. The issue is that he is abusive, such as making jokes at your expense, and then falsely tries to turn it around onto you, lies about the situation (gaslighting) and turns nasty.

Now you're starting to see what's going on, I don't think you'll be able to tolerate him.

And his unacceptable behaviour such as mocking you/making jokes at you're expense, trying to knock you down and then talking utter bollox is completely clear, you can't miss it, especially now you've realized you aren't crap etc.

It might be worth giving him an ultimatum i.e. he either stops treating you like that, the mocking/psychological and verbal abuse and then all the talking shit, or it's over.